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am I crazy?
By keepnclassy
1/4/2015 8:55:00 AM
He's adamant he isn't looking aty porn.
I'm tired of beating a dead horse.
i feel obsessed. I have decided that I need to detach. I'm not sure what that is suppose to be like since we are married and he doesn't think anything is wrong. Am I making this up? Do I think there is a problem and there isn't?
I have tried to not snoop through his history but I can only go as few days at a time.
any advice?

Comments:

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"I'm not a huge proponent of snooping because I know it can drive negativity. However, since you're looking for evidence to verify if there is a problem at all, I don't completely blame you. The only thing I can think of is to add something like OpenDNS to your router that will log all traffic that goes through there. This would work only if he's using wifi and not mobile networks. If you do that and it's clean, then maybe you can consider that he's telling the truth. I feel for your situation."
posted at 17:27:03 on January 4, 2015 by Anonymous
Detaching: A novel by Maddy    
"There are a couple things I will say about detaching.

Detaching is the opposite of apathy. It is pure love. Think about the way that God loves us. It is a pure and perfectly empathetic love. But His self esteem and His actions are not attached to ours. He is happy and lives a beautiful life no matter what we choose to do. He is not dependent on us for His decisions. Ok, so that is our example. THAT is where we start.

For me it is easier to do with my kids. For example, when one of them is throwing a fit I have a choice: I can either let that 'make' me angry, frustrated and worn down. Or, I can choose to see it for what it is, (whether that is them testing boundaries, tired, hungry, whatever) and respond with firm, calm and loving behavior that allows them to make the healthiest choice for themselves with appropriate boundaries for myself. For an older child it may be saying something like, "I would be happy to continue talking to you about this only when you can demonstrate that you are as calm as I am." For a young child it may be, "This is not normal behavior for my sweet child so I am guessing you are tired. You need to go lay down and take a break until you are feeling rested enough to make good choices." Either way, I am going to continue with my day happily, understanding that they need to go through these things in order how to learn to live in this world. I don't regret or get angry that they are having fits. It is just part of gaining experience and growing up. I get it. I don't love them less. In fact I am glad that I can offer them a safe place to make mistakes and figure it out.

Ok, so it is harder to do for my spouse because I feel confused sometimes because of my expectations about what partnership looks like. For kids I don't have a problem with claiming my power. For my husband I am not great at doing that because I want it to be equal. In the past, many times I try to detach and create good boundaries, it has turned into manipulation and I end up being controlling because I am not fully detached.
The keystone in when things do go right for me has been gratitude. When I fill my heart with gratitude for my blessings AND MY TRIALS something clicks for me and I can be happy and peaceful even during a relapse. I end up seeing his addiction with different eyes. I loose myself a little and can see the pain it causes my husband rather than seeing the pain it causes me. It seems like it doesn't have power to dig at me when I see it as his problem and not mine. It doesn't have power to make me love him less.

Now this is coming from a place where my husband knows he has an addiction. He knows he is doing something wrong and knows I know it. That doesn't mean he doesn't try to lie about it sometimes both to me and himself but there is a general acceptance that this is part of our life. I know you don't have that right now in a way that seems definitive enough. That would be really confusing to me too. But the truth is that you know there are things going wrong and you just work from there honestly and openly.

When my husband is in the throws of his addiction he becomes very mean, short tempered and snappish. His affection and loyalty is not with me and our kids...it is with his secrets and his addiction. There is no way to have both at the same time. We are opposites: family or porn. You give up one to have the other. Sometimes I just have to accept that he is not choosing family for a period of time. The best I can do in those times are treat the symptoms AS THEY HAPPEN. Do not hold grudges or dig up the past or project the future. Detach from those as well. Live in the moment... The exact moment that you are in without fear for what has been and what could be. If he is being rude and unhelpful then calmly address that in the moment it happens. Find ways to speak your truth so that you have power to have your needs met no matter what he does. The more you realize that you are safe, in control of your own heart, and empowered, the more you will give yourself to view his actions without negativity. When you feel like his choices dictate your life and happiness then you will lash out at him when he makes bad choices, or choices that you wouldn't make for yourself. Free yourself from that false belief and it will make life easier.

As a woman it felt like I was at the mercy of my husband's choices. 1) He brought in the income. I had no power there. 2) I was keeping his secrets. I had to act like my life was happy to avoid humiliation on myself for something I did not do. I felt like I had no power to hold my head high even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. 3) I felt unattractive and undesirable no matter what I did. He looked at porn no matter how much I tried to be the perfect wife. I had no power to feel beautiful. 4) I felt like no matter how much I put into the marriage, my marriage was failing....because of him. Because he looked at porn. 5) In Mormon doctrine you can't make it to the tippy top of the Celestial kingdom without your spouse. I literally felt like I was loosing my salvation because of him and I had no power to get back to God on my own.

But you know what? None of that was true. I had to figure it out the hard way, but I made a
plan to get myself financially free of needing him. It would take leaning on my family for a little while, but I cashed in those chips and created a safety net and a plan. I let go of shame. His sins were not mine. I became grateful for his addictions because they turned me to Christ and all of a sudden I was not embarrassed of it. ARP meetings really helped me with that. Speaking the truth out loud and admitting it to other people helped break down those walls. Getting support and realizing that I was normal and still a good person and he was a good person even though he looked at porn was easier to do in a group of people just like us. Taking a good hard look at my own self esteem and taking responsibility for how I felt about myself was so liberating. I know I am a gorgeous, confident woman now whether my husband looks at porn or not! I work out for myself...not for him. I eat right and dress the way that I like for myself....not for him. I think I am even prettier now because of it!!!... in my not so humble opinion! ;) LOL And I finally realized that it wasn't my job to have an awesome marriage. That was out of my control. It was my job to be an awesome wife. That is it. The marriage part comes only if both are trying. But the wife bit is 100% mine. I get to win or loose at that All. By. Myself. I choose. I have the power. As far as the salvation bit, well, I reject any notion that God will limit me because of someone else's choices. That just doesn't make any sense anymore. That part will all be fine.

I know I am going on and on about this, but here is the bottom line. Detaching is the deepest level of self ownership and responsibility for your emotions and giving that same grace to everyone else. It is painful to let go at first, but instantaneously rewarding when you do. I hope something in here helps.

My last comment would be that if you haven't already, you really should get someone else involved in this to help mediate. A bishop is a good start for the spiritual wounds going on right now, but just remember that Bishops are not therapists. Bishops are good for the spiritual sphere. When it come to the relationship sphere then I would suggest not waiting to get someone trained in that area to help you guys work. Much love Classy! You can do this!"
posted at 07:06:54 on January 5, 2015 by maddy
BTW    
"I thought you found porn searches for sure and so he broke the router? Is he still saying it wasn't him?"
posted at 07:20:36 on January 5, 2015 by maddy
I feel like i am on a roller coaster    
"I found what i thought were searches from years ago.
when he broke the router he downloaded music and there was another file with nothing in it. i looked at the site and there was no seeders or leachers. from my understanding it cant be downloaded with out seeders. So I dont think he did that one. the porn not the music
the block on the router was taken off...dont know when...it doesnt have a log. but it was taken off and I didnt take it off. I think he said he didnt, dont remember
what ever happened to the old days when you had to go buy a magazine or video...geez! there was solid proof.
I showed him the history that I found (months ago) and he said it was probably from torrents (the website has bad pop ups) and that he "does not look at porn" I have seen the torrents website and they do have ads that pop up and open new windows.
He was able to disable the pop ups so they dont show up anymore.
He is just so adamant that he doesnt look at porn. When I talk to him, I believe him.
Then I stat having anxiety about the whole situation. I am grumpy and mean to my husband. I am mad at him 95% of the time. i feel like i am grumpy and short with my kids. I dont like being like this anymore.
I wish that he would be willing to talk to someone. That is why I started writing on here cause I felt so alone and confused. He doesnt know I get on here either. "
posted at 11:09:21 on January 5, 2015 by keepnclassy
Maddy    
"How did you know that your husband looked at porn. If you dont mind"
posted at 11:09:55 on January 5, 2015 by keepnclassy
D Day (Discovery Day)    
"I don't remember the first time I caught him or got suspicious. I think I noticed some questionable emails and he said one of his work buddies used his email account. Ya right. *snort*

I do remember once early on I caught him at it. I remember coming home early and walked in and he was at the computer desk and he jumped mile high and had the guiltiest look on his face. So of course I walked over to see what he was doing on the computer. Couldn't deny that one. I worked with computers more than he did and so I tracked down histories that he thought he'd deleted.

We got filters and we were in an arms race for years of him trying to figure out loop holes and me figuring out ways to catch him.

He'd secretly buy magazines and then toss them or go to strip clubs. Those I didn't 'catch' him at but I could tell something was off. I have a sixth sense lie detector in my brain. I don't know what the lie is but I know when he is lying. Like you, I thought I was crazy, but once the house of card crumbled and I realized how right I was then I learned to trust my instincts. They've never led me wrong. Never. Eventually, when he confessed to some things, he started confessing to the stuff I hadn't caught him at. Some of it was not fun to hear but it was so much better than knowing something was wrong and not knowing what it was.

I remember once I left on a trip and was so glad to get home. He met me at the airport and as I was walking towards him, so happy to give him a hug, and then it hit me. I can't describe it well, but I felt the aura of porn around him. I knew it and recognized it. I called him out pretty quickly and he denied and denied for a while and then realized he was just being ridiculous and admitted it. I had no evidence and no reason to suspect. It wasn't even in my brain but when you know, you know.

These days I don't really check my filters or his computer actively. In fact I don't think I have ever checked his new computer now that I think about it. We installed filters on it and it sends me weekly reports on his activity, but I barely scan it. Mostly I just go off what my heart tells me. Sometimes I feel him veering off and I'll talk to him about it. Bad days, full of triggers, can crumble into slips fast and so we try to keep an open line of communication. But I am not too worried about a relapse. I think if/when it happens again that he'll come tell me quickly. He did last time and that builds trust for both of us. He knows I'll be a soft place to land if he crashes. I am counting on him being honest even if he is stupid. It's a healthy kind of dysfunction. LOL

And you can always ask me anything Classy."
posted at 12:11:49 on January 5, 2015 by maddy


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987