Masturbating after divorce
By unholyangel
12/28/2014 8:02:48 PM
Hey guys, I'm fairly new to addiction recovery. Been going for about 8 weeks now. I have struggled with pornography and masturbation since I was a child. Even through my whole marriage it was a regular thing, although done with my wife and not in secret.

Now I'm 31 years old, and recently divorced, and I'm having a very hard time. It hasn't been so hard to give up the pornography and masturbation, so to speak, but what I'm having a problem with is that now whenever I get erect (which many of you men know is an almost every morning occurrence) I am starting to get an incredibly uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, pain in my groin area and lower abdomen. It's been about a month since the last time I masturbated. In the past whenever I'd go extended periods without sexual activity this would happen and it was resolved by sexual activity with my wife, and so I'm wondering if occasional masturbation (without the use of pornographic or other materials) is acceptable for divorced men.

I understand those who have never been married may not experience this issue, as their body was not sexually active for a long period of time, but for people like me (I was married for 10 years, btw), sex became such a normal part of my life that now when I've removed it from my life, my body seems to want to react abnormally.

I've been looking everywhere online and can't seem to find anything in regards to a person in my specific situation. I've found a few non-LDS sites that say it's normal for a divorced LDS man to have sexual activity on occasion, especially when they start dating again, but I don't feel like any of these sites are prompted by the spirit and I want to ensure that I am constantly moving forward and striving to get my temple recommend back.

I would love to hear from anyone who has similar experience or who knows more about this situation. Thanks.


I wouldn't suggest it    
"I have absolutely no experience in marriage or divorce for that matter, but I have learned some things from my addictions. We have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Since your marriage didn't stay strong the way it was supposed to (I'm assuming there were problems that could have been fixed together), your body is responding the way it was meant to. If I don't masturbate for some time, my spirit will be better off, but my body will be starving for the dopamine it craves. The only way out of an addiction is to follow every bit of counsel with exactness. I know it's hard, but that's just what has helped me."
posted at 21:25:07 on December 28, 2014 by Created
"Thanks for your post. I'll just hang in there. Although, I would hate to rush into another marriage like I did my first just in order to relieve my sexual tension, and although I know that would not be the only factor, I'm afraid it would play a role in the speed in which I take things."
posted at 21:45:48 on December 28, 2014 by unholyangel
"Welcome to the site.

You asked a blunt question so here is a blunt answer. Any attempt to justify masturbation is just that...justification. And justification is just addict thinking. Here is reality: sexual release is not a biological imperative for an individual. Period. You may be uncomfortable for a few days but if you study the biology behind it, it is all supply and demand and you will very quickly adjust.

You don't need sex. You don't need masturbation. Any lies you feed yourself that you do need them will just feed your addiction. No way around it and no excuses and no loop holes. You aren't an exception to the rules because you are no longer married. A soldier who deploys 12 months at time is not an exception. Someone who has never been married is not the exception. None of these situations are easier or harder and thinking our lot is tougher to go through than someone elses' will never serve you well. It is what it is and nothing more.

Addiction will point you to objectify your partners. It's an ugly truth but you'll need to deal with that before you can have a healthy relationship. Again, I am just being blunt here. But again, welcome and good luck."
posted at 13:02:54 on December 29, 2014 by Maddy
Thanks again    
"I appreciate the bluntness. This is gonna be a rough road. I turned my back on hard drugs and alcohol without a single thought, but this one is so much harder. It reminds me of a church talk about pornography and masturbation I heard when I was a kid, where the person talking said his porn/mast addiction was harder to overcome than all of his drugs and alcohol combined."
posted at 13:39:21 on December 29, 2014 by unholyangel
My advice    
"I have not been married or divorced, I haven't had sex in about six months, and I am trying to quit porn and masturbation. That being said, here's my two cents.
Throughout my struggle with emotions and addictions, I have spoken with a few professional counselors. One worked directly for LDS Family Services, and almost exclusively with sex addicts. I remember when I was meeting with him, i was masturbating a lot less, but I had a noteworthy spike in wet dreams. When I asked him abut this, he said it was my body's natural way to deal with the lack of masturbation, and the resulting fluids. Maybe ask your doctor about any potential issues with the plumbing down there, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Our bodies are amazing gifts from God, and as such, have remarkable ways of resolving their own issues.
Good luck, and God bless! you're doing the right thing."
posted at 14:03:40 on December 29, 2014 by SeminaryKid
"Maddy I love you"
posted at 14:07:32 on December 29, 2014 by they_speak
"...I know it's no laughing matter and I'm not meaning to make it that. I just think you're cool that all."
posted at 14:08:16 on December 29, 2014 by they_speak
"I did have the VA perform a surgery down there. It was to fix perony's disease (spelling?). So it's actually painful for me to leave my equipment erect. When I was married, my wife would take care of me causing him to go limp again, and when I got divorced I'd just mast. Now it just hurts all the time. It feels like my testicles are numb all the time right now. It's uncomfortable but I really want to do the right thing regardless. I have a high pain tolerance from my military career. I just couldn't find a straight answer for my situation so I asked here, hoping there was some kind of less-known solution, but it seems there is not. If I have to suffer a little to get myself temple worthy, I know God has something in store for me."
posted at 04:29:45 on December 30, 2014 by unholyangel
keep going    
"you have enormous faith to do that, I don't know if I could handle it. have you talked to your bishop?"
posted at 12:51:03 on December 31, 2014 by created
Keep trucking    
"I read this quote by Winston Churchill " When you are going through hell keep going." It also reminds me of the Mormon message mountains to climb"
posted at 05:22:33 on January 7, 2015 by ND Saint
Laser targetted    
"The research that I have read about sex addictions is that it is harder to stop than many chemcial addictions. It makes sense. Drugs are an outside/synthetic substance we bring into our body. Sex addiction is associated with chemicals/hormones that we make ourselves. Dopamine is made by us, for us in our own brain. It is the perfect drug for us made for our own dna. It is the perfect key for the specific keyhole of the chemical receptors in our brain. Hard to break. You betcha. This isn't easy, but it is possible. "
posted at 12:54:56 on January 7, 2015 by maddy
What about    
"What about masturbation purely for release without external stimulants (like porn) or even thoughts? This would be comparable to rubbing your lower back when it's sore, or popping your knuckles when they have pressure build up. I know it's possible because I've tested it before out of pure curiosity if I could without those stimulants. I get the whole refraining from self gratification thing, but sometimes it's not about self gratification of the pressure and buildup gives you actual physical discomfort. That's why I compared it to rubbing a sore back. Would that not also be considered self gratification? Am I expected to be uncomfortable in my entire body my whole life, and any attempt to relieve pain or pressure is a sin?"
posted at 03:12:52 on January 9, 2015 by unholyangel
I've said it once I'll say it again    
"Pray about it son. No one here knows what's right for you. A physician can prescribe me marijuana for cancer treatment and I can then, because the doc has given me his stamp of approval, maintain a temple recommend. So is marijuana good or bad? How? In what context? What makes it okay? A doctors note? Is saint Peter gonna ask for a damn doctors at the pearly gates? My point is why not just get a real Physicians note. We ask each other these silly questions with all these wacky rationales and the truth is only you can find the answer that works for you.

The only caveat there is, well, if you're a true blue sex addict, might be a bad idea. You might not need to pray about it cause you already know what's right for you. You could take some oxycontin for a sore back. But if you're addicted to opiates I wouldn't recommend it."
posted at 19:45:10 on January 9, 2015 by they_speak
What I understand.    
"It is actually healthy for a single adult male to have a release at least once a month to keep the prostrate healthy. No images, no visualizations, just maintenance."
posted at 01:56:06 on January 12, 2015 by Hero
Agree with Speak    
"It's your life, we are given agency and prayer for a reason. In my opinion, masturbation is better than visiting the local prostitute. An extreme example but a related one because it's the desire to have sex, the desire god gave us so that we would repopulate and find love.

I 100% disagree with Maddy on us not needing sex, look into the causes of Catholic priest pedophile, those men aren't using their body as intended by God and they find these outlets. Why do you think people are encouraged to get married asap after a mission!"
posted at 06:45:42 on January 24, 2015 by Anonymous

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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988