By sjanderson
12/27/2014 7:17:44 AM
I have a lot to be grateful for today and this holiday season. i don't want to be grateful, i want to wallow in self pitty and self doubt and regret, that is easier and better known to me.

i am grateful to still be employed especially given our situation at least some money coming in is better than none at all. I think i get so very impaitient with God looking at my Pat blessing and expecting things. Those were promises that helped keep me going at times even though i was an addict and now it can be hard to give up the addiction and hold strong with the hope of the Savior. In fact in some cases because i didn't feel like God could or would answer prayers i gave up for the addiction instead. even now i want to believe that God is powerful enough to help and heal us, but the pain at times seems to be too deep.

i know it sounds crazy to hear myself say that, 'I know all the answers' it is living them that is a problem.

i love home my girls have perfect faith in the Savior and i wish i could prevent them from being hurt like i have been hurt and disappointed, yet i guess that is not part of the plan.

Back to gratitude. i have five and a half months of sobriety, have been told i can go back to the Temple etc and baptize my daughter. there is a lot of stress between my wife and i am grateful for the hard work she is putting in in trying to understand her own anger and issues.


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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006