lets pretend...
By keepnclassy
12/10/2014 3:07:01 PM
Facts: He has denied the sites/searches/etc.
He has a "work" computer that I cant put anything on
I dont think that he would be willing to put tracking software on his computer/phone.
I feel like asking or talking about this anymore will lead to a big fight or break up of our family.
He has been willing to talk in the beginning but now he says "I cant take this being brought up anymore".
I feel like I am obsessed with what he is doing....lately has been better than what it was 2 months ago.
I havent found anything in months. He doesnt know that I am snooping.
I know he has seen porn before when he was a kid.

So Lets pretend....

What do I do if he is?

What do I do if he is not?

I am not saying I do or dont think he is lying, depending on the day I felt both ways.

I have felt hurt, sad, mad, pissed, betrayed, lost, confussed, turmoil and bottom line I feel like I (we all) have sinned and hurt Jesus, but no matter what we have done to him. Jesus is ALWAYS there when we want to repent, with loving, open arms.

So IF he has looked at inappropriate material, I want to be here to help him through this....whatever it is... addition, mistake, curiosity...whatever it may be. He hasnt confessed to anything so I am not sure what is going on. but he has said "I do not look at porn"


Your call    
"In the absence of tracking software it was always very easy for me to cover my tracks.

A person isn't going to confess until they're ready to confess. Now that your husband suspects you're on to him, he is most likely trying really hard to avoid porn. He is possibly even having some success because he's so afraid of you finding out. If he is having some success he will probably use that as further justification that he didn't need to tell you, since he's doing so well at the moment to avoid it. The problem is for addicts, porn has become our security blanket. It is how we self medicate to numb negative emotions.

Life is life, ie frequently full of difficult situations that generate negative emotions. That's how the Lord proves us herewith to see if we'll keep all of his commandments. If he isn't dealing with that issue, ie healthier ways to deal with negative emotions he will eventually relapse, it's just a matter of time.

When I had teenage boys at home I would check the Internet history frequently. I found porn. The time stamp pointed to one specific son as the viewer. I sat down with him. Before asking about the porn I told him that I loved him. When I thought I had created a safe environment where we could talk openly I mentioned what I found in the history and asked if it was him. He denied that it was, even though we both knew he was the only one at home at that time. Instead of clobbering him over the head with that fact I merely said, "well, if one of my sons was struggling with porn, this is what I would say to them..." I then expressed my compassion and understanding of how difficult life can be and how easy it would be to stray into forbidden paths. After about a minute he said, "dad, it was me."

We had a great chat. His trust in me went up exponentially. It turned out to be a net positive experience. I don't know if that approach will work for you, but it is what I would try in the situation. Best of the luck."
posted at 21:32:27 on December 11, 2014 by DANO42
Thank you Dan042    
"What can I do from going crazy & checking up on him til he is ready?"
posted at 22:04:45 on December 11, 2014 by Anonymous
"I had hoped someone else would have responded. I only know addiction from the point of view of the addict. I have seen dozens of women in tears as they have discussed the toil their spouses addiction has on them. I know that every time I have relapsed it my wife's wounds are ripped open again. It breaks my heart to watch, and yet, many times when life has been difficult I have returned to what I have only known, my addiction. My addiction lies to me. When life seems overwhelming it seductively whispers in my ear, "it isn't fair that you're hurting because of...(fill in the blank with whatever the current crisis is), I can make your pain go away." For the brief moment that I'm in the fantasy I don't feel the pain. Most of satan's lies are half truths. However, once the fantasy is over reality comes crushing down on me and I hurt even more, because whatever the crisis was, it hasn't gone away, I've just made it more difficult to deal with.

I guess all I can tell you is it's honestly not your fault. You did nothing to make it happen. When your husband threatens divorce, etc. it is most likely the addiction talking. We addicts tend to have dual personalities. The one we let the public sees, which is frequently a pretty good guy, and our addict self, which usually only those close to us get to see from time to time. We hurt those that are closest to us. In saying this, I am not trying to justify or excuse any lashing out by an addict. I do feel pity for addicts that lash out because I understand that they are hurting inside, and this is part of how they let it out. What needs to happen is we addicts must find better ways of coping with negative triggers, so we don't go back to our addictions and so we don't lash out at those around us that are innocent.

On the left side of this web page is a church made manual for spouses and family members of addicts. Perhaps you could find some help there. God bless."
posted at 11:20:56 on December 14, 2014 by DANO42
Logical discussion with Hubby    
"I feel terrible for you. I pray for you and your family.

I don't promise this will work or that you will be comfortable with it, but I thought I would bring it up as an option. Depending on the dynamics of your family, you could insist that filtering/accountability software be installed on every device. Be prepared for him to walk out in a huff.

If you go forward with this, I suggest you stick to your guns and refuse to give up until you've installed the software.

Notice in my suggested discussion below that I never call "looking at pornography" the problem. In my opinion, that is not the main problem. The problem is dishonesty. I suggest you focus on honesty as being the goal, not freedom from porn. When your man is completely honest, he will eventually figure things out. As long as he's lying, he will continue to dig himself a deeper hole.

Here is a suggested direction to take the discussion. You might say:

"We need to resolve a problem. The problem is that I am unable to trust you fully, and I want to trust you." (Another problem might be that you are worried about the kids viewing pornography, if you have kids.)

"First of all, you need to know that I don't expect you to be perfect or to be superman. I love you no matter what. I am sealed to you for eternity, I expect you to make some mistakes, and I plan to stick with you whenever that happens. I understand pornography is a struggle for most men, including many within the church. I can love and support you if you do happen to struggle with pornography, but I cannot tolerate dishonesty. Dishonesty is a far bigger problem than pornography.

"You say you are not looking at pornography. If that's true, and if you have nothing to hide, then I would expect you to allow me to install filtering and accountability software on our phones and computers. This [will protect the children, and it] will help me feel comfortable knowing that you HAVE been completely honest with me.

"If what you have told me is not true, and if you have been looking at porn, then please just be honest with me about it. Tell me, and then let me install the software, so that at least I know when you are viewing it, and I know that you are being honest. I'm not even asking you to stop right now, and I'm not going to demand that you stop. I know that stopping might be impossible at this moment. I'm simply asking you to be honest with me about it from now on. Honesty is hard, but it IS possible right now, and it will save our marriage.

"Unfortunately, as long as you refuse to allow filtering and accountability software, I feel that you are hiding something and being dishonest with me. I want to trust you again. Will you let me install the software?"

If he balks and fights, you can discuss separating for a while until he lets you install the software. Point out that you are not separating because he's viewing would stick with him whether he admitted to viewing pornography or not, as long as he let you install the software, which shows he's ready to be honest about it.

Do it in your own way...but focus on being honest and installing the software in order to prove honesty and in order to protect the children. Try hard not to condemn the porn viewing, if any. Try hard to love and support the sinner, even though you internally hate the sin. I recommend that you don't demand that he stop viewing right this moment, because that will probably only result in him never being honest with you about it again.

Those are my thoughts."
posted at 10:15:21 on December 15, 2014 by BeClean
"I've started and stopped a response to this a couple times now, but I'll just stick to one very simple point.

What can you do to not go crazy in the mean time...well, my answer would be to focus on learning how to effectively and happily detach. Or in other words, I would study, study, study codependency and how to break it's chains.

You can be happy and at peace whether your husband is looking at porn or if he isn't. And you can be happy and peaceful even not knowing. It is not easy, but it is possible. Emotional dependency and unhealthy attachment is what stops us from being able to do that.

Luckily, the 12 steps teaches us so beautifully HOW to end codependency. I would start there."
posted at 11:14:53 on December 15, 2014 by maddy

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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004