By keepnclassy
11/20/2014 10:25:51 AM
my husband says he does not look at porn but i am having a hard time trusting him. what can i do to trust him


"The truth is, the only way you have to know is by asking him. And when you really think about it, wouldn't you so much rather trust him than not believe him? If you chose to trust him, but you still have a hard time, then you pray. God will not leave you out to dry. I know that He will always return to bless those who come to Him in sincerity and faith.
Basically, you have to decide if you want to believe your husband. Some people don't. But you can, and if you pray, the Holy Spirit will comfort you."
posted at 02:28:55 on November 21, 2014 by SeminaryKid
Tracking software    
"I remember being about 15 years old and having my annual interview with the bishop. He asked if I masturbated. I said no. He looked at me askance, asked a few more questions, and then asked if I masturbated again. Once again, I denied it. However, at that moment I knew that he knew I was lying. He didn't press the issue. I continued to be the Teachers' Quorum President. He understood that I wasn't ready to confess. He, and the Lord, waited patiently until I was. I deprived myself of blessings by not being honest with him. I also made my road to recovery much more difficult than it had to be.

If your husband is struggling with pornography I am very sorry for the pain this causes you. The hurt I see in my wife's eyes when I've had to confess to falling off the wagon is difficult. Very difficult. If your husband is struggling with pornography perhaps he justifies the deceit by saying, "I know this will hurt her, and I'm trying to protect her from that pain. I'll just try to overcome this on my own." That's a very seductive lie. If your husband struggles with pornography it is probably something that started well before he ever met you.

It is not your fault. You did nothing to cause this. If he struggles with this, most likely it started as an act of curiosity in his youth that overwhelmed his senses. He was drawn towards it and disgusted by it at the same time. He loathed himself for looking at it, but at the same time was fascinated by it. Eventually, it becomes more than a habit. It becomes a coping mechanism, a security blanket, the way we addicts choose to self medicate to numb our pain. The argument goes: Life is difficult. Sometimes I hurt emotionally. I want the pain of my negative emotions to go away. The addiction whispers in my ear, "I can help you forget about your problems for a while." While I am acting out in my addiction I don't feel the pain and my emotions are numbed for a while. However, once I've finished acting out, I hate myself, the negative emotions I was trying to suppress are back and worse than before. And the addiction cycle goes round and round. I hurt, I don't want to hurt. I give into my addiction and the hurt stops while I'm living the fantasy. Reality comes crashing back and I hurt again.

If you are willing to help him if he is struggling some how he needs to feel safe confiding in you. If you and he can get to that point, you could suggest that it might help to load tracking software like covenant eyes onto your computer. It will track every website visited. The data is stored off of your computer and so it can't be erased. Since you'll be the administrator of the account, you're the only one that can check what websites have been visited. That should provide some security for your home computers. It can also be loaded on ipads, phones, etc.Work is another story.

God bless. I hope your husband isn't struggling with pornography, but of he is, I hope you can believe it isn't your fault."
posted at 10:19:33 on November 21, 2014 by DANO42
"Why do you think he is looking at porn? Can you articulate your reasons?"
posted at 22:12:05 on November 27, 2014 by Anonymous
"There were some (what looked like) searches in the internet history. I know he has visited torrent websites which have bad pop ups. I have asked him close to 20 times about it and he has mentioned divorce because he is tired of me asking so much.
I have never had a reason not to trust him he has always seemed to have a good moral compass. When I talked to him I feel better but then after a few days I start to question it again. Usually in the middle of the night when I can’t go back to sleep. (I have a 8 month old baby and I think I might have had some post-partum for the first time. So I don’t know if this is my hormones or a real problem) I asked the bishop for a blessing and that is the first time I really started feeling better. I did not mention the internet history when I was talking to him.
There hasn’t been anything in the history for 3 months now. So I feel like he has blocked all the bad things or has just gotten good at hiding it. Either way if he has looked at anything, if he is looking at inappropriate things and isn’t ready to admit it. He isn’t going to get help. I am just tired of not trusting him and making myself crazy.
I was snooping when I found these things in the first place and he doesn’t know that I have kept looking so I feel like I am being dishonest with him to. "
posted at 10:47:42 on December 1, 2014 by keepnclassy
Hi and welcome    
"Here I sit at my keyboard again thinking, "Must not project. Must not project. MUST. NOT. PROJECT!" I am saying to myself "Just because she is describing EXACTLY things I felt and I have hindsight on the red flags I must not assume that her husband is looking at porn too. Just because it is the same story I've heard a million times from wife after wife, doesn't mean she isn't the unicorn and the exception that we all once thought we were."

Seriously, though, I just want to tell you that my experience has taught me that you need to trust your instincts. Trust what your heart and the Spirit tell you. And I KNOW that is the problem that you are questioning exactly what that is, but you'll figure it out when you let fear go.

So here is where we get to play a little game called, "So what if he is?"

Ok, so you have some solid signs he is looking at porn. You may think you don't, but you do girl. Classic signs! And I am going to validate that because you need truth right now. I am just going to keep things real. Search histories don't lie. I can find porn with an innocent search, a questionable one is SURE to bring up porn. One of the biggest signs is that he threatened divorce when challenged. Yep. That one takes the cake. He's a text book addict. Sorry, I am projecting again. I am not telling you any of this to scare you. You are already scared enough. But honestly here is the meat of it, what are you going to do if he is looking at porn? What does that change? What will you change?

Personally I would not have a computer/phone/tablet in the house without accountability software. I use NetNanny and it is the best. I've had it for years. If he is honest and there isn't a problem then he wont mind. It is a good idea NO MATTER WHAT. Heck, the General Authorities recommend it as a precaution and a standard. Snooping is only a problem if you are lying about it. You have a right to know where he has been. Tell him you will be checking in. If he has an issue with that then he needs to deal with it in an appropriate and introspective way. Marriage is an accountability partnership. It is part of the deal. Don't lie about it. That is wrong to hide what you are feeling and doing. Be confident and be honest and be healthy about it.

You can read my full story unfold here on this website over the years, but let me tell you that I am almost two decades into a marriage with a sex and porn addict. Things have been as rough as you can imagine emotionally between my husband and I at times. Lies were everywhere and trust was no where. But today we have an awesome relationship. He is barely one year clean right now and he may relapse at anytime, and you know what? It isn't the end of the world. Relapses happen. Addiction is tough stuff to work through, but that doesn't mean you have to have a bad marriage because of it. I tell you this because if your husband is a porn addict then that wont be the end of the world either. In fact it could turn out more awesome then you could possibly imagine. You might be in for some fire first, but you get to choose if that is hellfire or refiners fire. YOU and only you have the power to decide that.

Finally, I just want to say that having been through post pardum issues myself I want to reach out and hug you. If you suspect it then don't hesitate to sit down with a care provider and talk to them. In the mean time, do a check list of the things that bring health and joy in your life. Mine looked like this 1) Sleep 2) Social time 3) Gardening 4) Exercise 5) Art and Creativity... and after realizing I was showing signs of depression I also realized that I had limited or entirely cut off activity in every area of my check list. Which comes first? The chicken or the egg? I don't know if post pardum hormones led my to decrease the healthy things in my life or decreasing the healthy things in my life contributed to post pardum depression. It doesn't matter. Start reviewing YOUR check list and make a way to ensure you are doing those things, and ALSO reach out for help on the other side of the equation by talking to your Dr. For me, we didn't jump straight to hormone treatment but I did end up going with herbal and vitamin treatments first (so I wouldn't create problems with nursing.) It really helped. Get help and don't wait.

I know this was a very blunt and probably none to pleasant post, but I hope there is something in it that is useful. If he isn't looking at porn then I hope it is still helpful.

Don't be afraid of this. Heck, don't be afraid of anything. Ever. You are in God's hands and he knows how this story goes. Trust that."
posted at 09:21:37 on December 3, 2014 by Maddy
asked again    
"I asked him "when was the last time ou looked at porn?" He replied "at names house" (in high school)"
posted at 09:31:38 on December 5, 2014 by keepnclassy
"What about the filters? Do you have them?"
posted at 07:52:44 on December 8, 2014 by maddy
"Yes, I put filters on teh router"
posted at 14:39:54 on December 10, 2014 by keepnclassy
Sorry....more questions    
"I am not super tech savvy. Will filters on the router allow you track history and manager account settings?

And does he know there are filters on there? Did he agree to the filters and what was his attitude about putting them in place? Does just one or both of you have access to filter passwords?"
posted at 21:07:47 on December 10, 2014 by maddy
"there is a log of anything web sites visited using the router. Yes he knows that i blocked sites using key words. i didnt tell him when I did it but an ad was blocked on pandora. He asked why I did it and didnt seem to care that it was done. he said he didnt think that i would know how to do something like that. we both have access to the router."
posted at 23:36:22 on December 10, 2014 by keepnclassy
"does it matter if he doesnt want to get help? I wrote some more in lets pretend"
posted at 23:37:27 on December 10, 2014 by keepnclassy
Wake up call    
"It may not matter or it may matter a ton. IF he is looking at porn he may or may not be ready to wake up to his own deceptions. Sometimes you can get deep enough into addiction that accountability to someone else is the only way to begin to see clearly. Tracking software and safety filters are way to create accountability and honesty, even if it is forced honesty.

But it seems you want the truth even if it is hurtful and so ultimately those things should be able to help answer your questions one way or another. "
posted at 12:21:59 on December 11, 2014 by maddy

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987