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I need to vent for a few minutes
By sjanderson
10/10/2014 11:37:26 AM
Please before I begin understand that I have had a sort of hard day, that I am angry at my wife and am feeling justified in my self righteous anger. I know this is not correct, and I am trying to keep that in the back of my head as I write this blog post. So here goes:

For those of you playing along at home: I am now back at my house while my wife is living with her mother out of state. That is great because she is able to spend some time with her parents and heal and work on her and not have the constant reminder of my imperfections making her angry. I thought we were doing better and so trying to be helpful I screwed up my courage and asked my parents earlier this week for some financial help to get some bills paid. they kindly said yes, with the continued stipulation that "I need to figure out what I am going to do in my life". I think that they mean regarding my wife and our situation. I haven't 'done anything' because I am trying to be kind and win her trust and begin to work with her on all the different areas that we are being beat up on. Well when I spoke with my wife earlier in the week about helping to pay the bills she got upset because I had spoken with my parents before I spoke with her. I was trying to help out and take responsibility for our situation. I haven't been involved financially for nearly 12 years because about 12 years ago I tried to explain to my wife about living on a budget, she wouldn't accept that it was possible to know how much money you needed to spend month to month so she couldn't possibly live on a budget. She was getting help from her mother at the time for a number of things and so I just threw up my hands and refused to worry about it any more even though the debt in some ways it put my job at risk.

Now today she comes back to me at tells me you know that money that your parents gave you to pay bills, I want to use that for bills now. It is sort of frustrating because I thought that there was more there that there was and when I told her I needed money back she said too bad I already transferred it. I feel like this is a smaller example of my life as a whole, my wife is able to control things including me and things work out for her. Me on the other hand I try to go with the flow or avoid confrontation and it blows up in my face.

I was at the church the other night working on EQ statistics for HT and I fell down and my computer broke. That was one of the things that I had planned on using the money for when my wife had said that 'she was upset about me talking with my parents'. I am so very, very, upset because all I want to do is get out of debt, be free from the obligations of debt and be successful as well in life, but everything seems to conspire against me, at times it seems even my parents who just don't understand my wife. I don't understand her even a lot of the time. She gets so very, very, angry. I know a lot of people will say it is to do with the addiction. Well For me I have spoken with my mother in law and she has said that my wife had anger issues as a child and before we were married. It is just frustrating when I get to be the target of everything that is bad. I am digressing here and need to probably go. thanks for listening

Comments:

Been there, felt that    
"let me start by saying I have always enjoyed your willingness to share your experiences and provide assistance to others on these boards. I'm an accountant by trade, but my wife handles our finances. It seems to make for fewer problems at home. I wish I had amazing insights and advice to offer, but I don't. Just know, others are reading your posts, and rooting for you. Okay, here's a little advice, I hope it helps: Focus on the things you can control.

I pray things will work out for you, financially, spiritually, and in your relationships."
posted at 11:23:47 on October 11, 2014 by DANO42
You know what I am going to say....    
"Boundaries man, boundaries. I know I am always hammering that, but it's kind of the secret of life. God is a God of boundaries. We need to follow His example.

Sometimes I get irritated when people tell me to make coundaries but then don't give me ideas so I am going to say what came to my head when I was reading your post. First, remember that boundaries are what YOU do! Not what you try to make THEM do.

No advice is good advice so here is some no-good advice about what I would do: Get separate bank accounts. Get one that she can't access. Don't keep it a secret or anything, and she is going to be pissed when you tell her. But you've already told us that she is a money addict and a control addict. One of your big complaints is that you are out of control. You are right on both accounts. The answer sucks, but it is actually quite simple. Don't do it out of hate or revenge. Do it because it is the logical and safe thing to do when dealing in a situation like yours. Do it because is what is right and healthy.

I promise she is going to rail on you like never before. Addicts HATE boundaries. Boundaries are for healthy people and are the opposite of addiction. She'll come at you and push and push on the boundary because she'll want to see if she can make it buckle with force. The truth is that she can. not. make. that. boundary. move. It is 100% in your realm of control. Only you can move it. There will probably be a price to pay, because she'll probably go for revenge where it hurts, but reclaiming your self control includes a lot of things. This might be one of them.

I had a Bishop once tell me that having seperate bank accounts was the first sign of divorce. Personally I think that he was full of poo and projecting weird personal opinions inappropriately but whatever. Some people may say what I am saying is terrible advice too. I'll own it. Maybe it is. But whether you do separate accounts or not, you have do to something to establish good boundaries.

Ok, done now. BTW....great vent. I'd be upset too. hang in there bro!"
posted at 11:29:16 on October 11, 2014 by Maddy


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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006