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Feeling so alone
By Son-of-God
10/1/2014 10:44:47 AM
Hello, I am a Son of God and I struggle with an addiction to p~rnography, m~sturbation, and lustful thoughts. Today is day 1 for me. Yesterday was a really bad day and I fell back into old habbits. I have struggled with this addicition for over 10 years now and have seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I am so tired! I am tired of always finding myself back in this place, day 1 again. I know in my heart that I can overcome this through the atonement of Jesus Christ and I know that God loves me even when I choose poorly, but I feel so dejected and unworthy. I just want this to be gone from my life and I want to have the spirit again.

This weekend is General Conference and I honestly have zero desire to even listen. I guess I am afraid that I will just hear the talks and be reminded of how horrible of a person I am and feel guilty for all my past mistakes. I used to have so much passion and drive for Godly things and this addicition has robbed me of that. Through my own choices I have distanced myself from God and from the Holy Ghost and I find myself feeling lost and alone.

I am sorry to be so negative, I just needed to share and get some of this out. I feel so hopeless and I just want to be clean.

Son-of-God

Comments:

There is HOPE    
"Dear Son-of-God, I am so sorry that you're going through a very difficult time right now. I'm struggling with my addiction too. Some days I beat my demons, and other days, not so much.

As I consider my addiction I am becoming very convinced that what I have is a spiritual problem with physical manifestations. The physical manifestations would be when I act out in my addiction. That being the case, the way out, and the way up needs to have a spiritual base, with accompanying physical manifestations. Those physical manifestations include going to ARP meetings, (I dialed into a phone ARP meeting last night. It helped a lot). I start my mornings by turning on the Mormon Music channel on my phone and taking a shower. When I'm done with that, I say my morning prayers and read my Book of Mormon, also on my phone. Then I go into my Gospel Library App and listen to General Conference talks while I make myself breakfast and get ready for work. I'm also seeing a therapist and visit with my bishop regularly. Like you, I'm tired of being lost and feeling alone. I do feel better when I do the things listed above.

Hang in there. God knows who you are and He loves you just the way you are. You are a good person deserving of love and help. I know that this weekend I will hear conference talks that will call me on the carpet. I will also hear messages of hope. I will learn that I can overcome this. It does not define me. Hopefully, we'll both come away from it feeling a little better."
posted at 13:06:50 on October 1, 2014 by DANO42
General Conference    
"Occasionally there are awesome messages for us addicts in General Conference. I really needed this message from Elder Craig Cardon from April conference of last year. He even speaks about addictions, and helps to put the Atonement into perspective for those of us that struggle with addiction.

The Savior Wants to Forgive
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-savior-wants-to-forgive?lang=eng"
posted at 20:28:06 on October 2, 2014 by rmww
My .02 worth    
"Son,
thanks for your share. Ihope you are a little better now. I was thinking about how you must feel and I can only imagine using the experience of my own life. My experience has been frustrating and difficult over twenty years of this stupid addiction is so very frustrating for me as well. I feel often like, if only I could get 'my act' together or pray hard enough or whatever that somehow I could or should fix this problem. this caused me to hide and lie to myself over the years distancing myself from everyone also being ashamed of my actions.

What has helped me is getting a sponsor and working the program, and beging to be honest with myself about my situation. Instead of telling myself I can or should fix this, I have given up the fight, for me only the Savior can fix me and my jumbled up life. That doesn't remove my responsibility, but I don't have to be perfect, I just need to get better each day, today I am better than yesterday, tomorrow I'll try to be better than today. But I onlyl have today, there is no yesterday it is gone and tomorrow is tomorrow, so 24 hours as I look at it is all I have and can handle.

I hope this helps, knowing that there are other people inside the church and outside who are struggling and winning over this has given me great hope. also I like to return to Elder Christofferson's Our Daily Bread talk from a year ago or so as well as Elder Holland's An High Priest of Good Things to Come.

I am a lot like what as already been mentioned, I am hoping for the Spirit this weekend to see and feel love from God, I fear the usual beat up the husband for being an addict messages which in my situation gives fuel to my wife and her insecurities. However with a little bit of sobriety I am able to take those things more in stride and try to focus on the Spirit and what the Lord would have me learn, even though the words being spoken may be different from the promptings I am feeling from the meetings .... if that makes sense. My heart goes out to you in your struggles, keep plugging away with the Lord's help you can become better

Cheers"
posted at 10:10:50 on October 3, 2014 by sjanderson
Thank you    
"Thank you for your comments and your support. I am doing much better as I have stepped back from the ledge and realized how far I have treuly come since begining my recovery. It is easy to think that when I slip up that I have lost all the ground previously gained. I recall an analogy shared in a group meeting I attended years ago. The gentleman spoke about starting on a road trip and getting onto the interstate. Several miles down the road you get a flat tire and have to pull over to fix it. Once the tire is fixed it would be silly to return all the way back to where you started only to begin again. No, you would simply pull back onto the interstate and continue from where you broke down. I really like that analogy because it is so much like an addicition and how God views my recovery. I may have to pull off the spiritual interstate many times to repair the damage but in each case God does not require me to start from the begining. I am able to take all the lessons learned from each breakdown and get back in my car and start down the road from where I left off.

I am learning to not be so hard on myself and just keep moving forward in my recovery.

Thank you for the share."
posted at 17:36:46 on October 7, 2014 by Son-of-God
You're not alone    
"You are not a unique circumstance, don't worry! :) everyone is trying. As long as we are progressing, then we can be happy. If you don't want to watch conference (I know it's already over), then your heart won't be in the right place if you do. Let the guilt come if you choose not to, because that's how we learn! :)"
posted at 14:37:02 on January 2, 2015 by Created


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