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Numb.
By I.am.neese
9/30/2014 6:09:30 PM
This morning I woke up and felt the need to punch myself in the face. Last night, I caved. After I watched some p@rn in the darkness of my room.. I laid still and felt gross. Many things came to mind before I made the choice.. talks, sunday school lessons - but it didn't stop me. My little sister came into the room and was in tears. She told me that her boyfriend had just broken up with her to be with his ex. I felt so numb and cold towards her. I didn't feel upto comforting her because I was caught up in how stupid I felt about giving in to my addiction again. My sister eveentually left and said she was going to bed. All I said to her was - I told you he was a loser. My addiction has really affected my relationships with my family and friends. I've somewhat outcasted myself from my friends - only my best friend knows about my addiction. If you were to ever meet me in person, you'd never think or guess that I was an antisocial person, I have a fun loving type of personality. I just have a great pokerface. I'm just the happy girl everyone around me thinks I am anymore.

Comments:

Hope    
"I know the feeling of being alone and feeling powerless against the temptation. One important thing I've learned is that if I'm alone and doing nothing, that's a danger zone. You have to keep yourself busy, especially at first. Second, start listening to talks. Elder Holland has some great ones. Do that instead of music. And most importantly, pray your guts out. Don't let the addiction shame you into thinking that you can't pray. Heavenly Father will hear everything. Let it out. You don't have meetings nearby, but you can still talk to Him. Pray out loud, it makes it more real for me. You can do this!"
posted at 19:50:05 on September 30, 2014 by Anonymous
Addiction and Isolation    
"I would rather feel almost anything rather than feel numb. It is the worst. I am so sorry.

I know that this is what this addiction does. It takes away our real feelings of love....towards ourselves and towards others and leaves us empty.

But you know what? It doesn't have to stay that way.

There is hope and there is healing. And you will be better than ever before because you will have knowledge and compassion.

My husband once caved and looked at porn right after we had come home from the temple. Like literally right after we got home. You'd think that the temple would have fortified him from that somehow, but the truth about addiction is that is just doesn't care how shiny and good you feel, you can fall at any moment. When you accept that fact, then you can start being on your guard in a different way. Being on your guard like that strangely starts with a very specific kind of submission to the fact that you can't beat the addiction....on your own. When we open our eyes to our own weakness and fallibility is the moment that we can start to let the Savior fight this battle for us. And He always wins.

As far as your sister....go to her and apologize. Make it right. Tell her the truth that is appropriate for her to hear. Tell her that you were going through a dark moment and that you were very self absorbed. Tell her that you feel terrible about not being there for her when she needed it but that you want to make restitution. Every one makes mistakes like this but not everyone apologizes. I bet you'll find healing in your own heart at the same time that you try to help her heal hers.

Iamneese - I am glad you are here. We've all walked this road of being numb and empty so much that when we promise you that healing is real I hope you can feel the reality of what I say. Recovery is real. And it is entirely complete.

Hugs!"
posted at 08:23:23 on October 1, 2014 by maddy
My heart goes out to you    
"I.AM.NEESE.,
I am sad to hear of your struggle and hope you are doing better. I know from my own experience it is amazingly isolating to give into these addictions and yet as you described I have done much of the same silly mistakes.

I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning about the destruction of the Nephites and the Jaredites and how they cried out, not because they wanted to repent but that God wouldn't let them keep sinning and avoiding the consequences. IMHO I believe that the fact that you recognize these feelings is a reason for hope, the fact that you are reaching out, wanting to change is a reason for hope.

if I might be so bold I would recommend if you can getting someone to be accountable to, a friend a parent someone. that was what helped me begin to make progress, working the steps of the ARP program and the SA program. Realizing that yes I have a LOT of problems, there are people who have the same types of thoughts, who struggle and battle and work hard to overcome these problems. Most importantly having someone on the outside I could call when I felt tempted and tell them that I felt tempted to slide backwards to p@rn.

I only have two months of sobriety with a lifetime to go, but I am beginning to see my life with a bit of hope and optimism.

A little bit more about myself my wife has left me for a while now and is living with her mother wanting some space and yet she keeps hitting me over the head about my recovery. It is hard being alone, feeling alone and hopeless with a lot of financial pressure bearing down on us. I have come to hope the following promises from AA are true. I keep telling myself about them because I have seen it in people's eyes at the meetings that I go to, a change, a real change when they work the steps of recovery. God bless you in your fight, my heart really does go out to you and prayers too.

1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
3. We will comprehend the word serenity and
4. We will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

“Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
(Source: http://www.foxvalleyaa.org/twelvepromises.pdf. 3 Oct 2014)
Cheers"
posted at 09:55:47 on October 3, 2014 by sjanderson


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay