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now that I'm married
By citrus13
8/12/2014 12:57:22 PM
I used to struggle with sexual addiction for 10 years . I was clean and had worked with a bishop 6 months before I was married. I was married in the temple with my husband in December. I told my husband that I had a previous addiction I just did not tell him what to . Since being married I have struggled with intimacy with my husband. I feel similar things I used to with my past sin. I want to have a good intimate relationship with my husband. My lack of fulfillment has drove me to relapse after such a long time. I know it is not his fault and I know I need to resolve this before I am drug back into the painful battles of addiction. I just don't know what to do. I feel I should include my husband but I don't want to hurt him.. Should I involve him, and if so how? Or should I keep this between god and myself like I always have?

Comments:

Welcome    
"First, Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Second, I just want to say that you are totally normal. Marriage is such a big trigger. All big life changes are triggers like having a baby or career change and you don't get much bigger of a shift than marriage. Of course it is going to rock the boat, even if it is a happy change. I have never talked to an addict who hasn't gotten triggered by getting married. You are totally normal.

Next, yes, you need to tell him. My husband is a sex addict and he told me while we were engaged. It has meant the world to me. Honesty and full disclosure are one of the reasons we are together today. I know it will be hard, but you can do it and your marriage will be better for it as long as you both keep your eyes on the atonement. Carefully, consider the way that you tell him and pray about that a lot. You may want to tell him with either your bishop or a counselor there or you may want to do it privately. It is going to be a big shift for him too and so you'll need to be ready to give him room to go through his own process. Does he understand the 12 steps? Does he have a support network for himself and you so that he can be healthy and wise in his role as the spouse of an addict? Those are things he'll need, for you his own sake, and for yours.

Dont be afraid. And dont be ashamed. Marriages with addictions in them have a special kind of honesty, intimacy and closeness that other marriages dont have....when the partners are focused on Christ. I am biased but that is my .02.

Welcome Citrus....and CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage!!!!

Hugs!"
posted at 18:39:07 on August 12, 2014 by maddy
Welcom    
"Citrus,
Welcome to a wonderful group. I am glad that you were willing to open up about your experience. For me dishonesty has been at the root of most all of my problems. I for a long time though that I could get over this issue by myself, with enough will power positive attitude etc. twenty plus years on now I realize that for me I can't do it alone. The way that I was tyring to do it with just me and God was consisting of just me. i don't know why or how that was the case, but all I did was stuff the emotions inside and miss out on 14+ years of marriage. now I am trying to pick up the pieces and more importantly turn my life over to God. is the case I just know that for me it didn't work to work on it by myself. My case my wife found on her own and then over the years Ieventually went to the Bishop asking for help. Each one tried to help but I am not sure I was ready nor did they have the time or the tools to help. Only in the last six months have I started to make some progress. Having a sponsor through the ARP project has been a life saver for me, having someone I feel responsible to account for my actions helps me think about what I am doing and also know I have to report what i have done. I also found the SA fellowship to be very very helpful for me. well I hope this helps, most of all know you are NOT ALONE! There are all sorts of peopel with similar experiences, and even if the experiences are not the same they probably have a huge empty hole in their heart and soul they are trying to fill with all sorts of stuff p@rn, mb, food, money stuff anything and everything the world throws at us. None of it though truly satisfyies or fills the hole I have in my heart. I hope things work out for you and that you turn to God and to a trusted friend to uload this burden.

Cheers"
posted at 12:43:55 on August 13, 2014 by sjanderson
Hi, Citrus    
"You can do this. Progress may come slowly. But if you will it to happen, it will eventually happen. Good will help you along your journey."
posted at 06:24:53 on September 6, 2014 by Anonymous
Taking your agency back    
"Probably like most sex addicts, I got wrapped up in this in my youth, well before I understood just how difficult it would be to overcome. I kept my addiction secret for years. I didn't tell anyone about it until I was preparing to go on my mission (a couple decades ago). As I acted out on my addiction, the adversary whispered, or actually screamed, in my ear to keep it secret. "People won't like you if they know the truth about you..."

I have since learned that breaking secrecy helps me to take my agency back. I'm no longer doing what the adversary wants me to do, and that's a good thing. Telling your spouse is difficult. You don't want to hurt him. You don't want to disappoint him. However, if he is willing to listen, he can be a tremendous asset in your fight against your addiction. It would be important for him to know that your addiction is not his fault. It is not about him. It is not because he isn't a good person.

We addicts act out because we hurt, we're in pain, i.e. an alcoholic doesn't drink to get drunk, an alcoholic drinks to forget, as the saying goes. Our addiction has become our security blanket, the way we self medicate to numb our pain. Try to help him understand that. Good luck. I hope you find the hope and healing and support you deserve. God bless."
posted at 09:54:10 on September 26, 2014 by DANO42
Yup, you need to tell...and then get help    
"Marriages survive only through complete honesty. If you hide this problem, he will eventually find out, and your dishonesty will have destroyed your marriage--or at least it will require complete honesty from that point forward in order to survive. In other words, you must come clean with your husband and be completely honest with him sooner or later, or your marriage will end. The sooner you tell, the easier it will be on both of you and the better for your marriage. I know it's extremely hard to tell right now. You don't want to say anything to hurt him. You think you can just take care of it, and he never has to know. That's Lucifer's lie. He's the one who says, "quick, hide!" But if you don't tell, the problem will get worse. AND regardless of how hard it is to tell your husband now, it will only get harder and more painful. Resolve now to talk to him openly and honestly.

When you do, I bet your husband will act very understanding and forgiving. (I'm not certain, I'm just guessing.) And you will feel a HUGE weight lifted off of you. You may even think you have overcome this temptation once and for all, and you may decide never to come back to this site or get any additional help.

I warn you against such feelings. Telling your husband and enlisting him "on your team" is a big positive step, and it deserves LOTS of congratulations. But DON'T make the mistake of leaving it at that thinking your problem is solved.

By definition, you are an ADDICT. You have tried to stop this self-destructive behavior, and you haven't been able to. It is beginning to cause problems in your life, and you still can't stop. That means you are addicted.

Welcome to the club!! There is so much to learn about yourself and about God.

You CAN overcome the addiction, but you WILL need help. So, please don't think that just by telling your husband you are free. Please get additional help. Attend 12-step meetings, work with a counselor, and/or (my favorite), check out http://www.abettermormon.com and http://www.curethecraving.com . These websites will help you understand the REASONS behind your addiction and how to pull it up by its roots. (They were made primarily for men, but they will also apply to you. And your husband may also need to hear the material. He may have his own cravings, addictions, and self-destructive behaviors that can be remedied.)

And we are also on your team, here to help. Please visit often."
posted at 18:51:59 on September 26, 2014 by BeClean


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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004