By new-me
8/12/2014 12:36:18 PM
Has anyone here been diagnosed with a mental disorder? If so, what type and how have you been able to work through mental illness as it relates to addiction recovery?


my brief experience    
i have not been offically diagnosed with anything, but I have struggled with depression for a long long time. I saw what medication and positive changes that my father was ableto make in his life which motivated me to try and do the same for my kids. i rember not feeling at peace at times, or afraid I was going to get yelled at. now I realize that my father was probably dealing with a lot of the same things i am dealing with right now, who dealth with what his father had to deal with etc.

I guess my experience has been that I am not sure if I am ever going to be able to get out of the hole I am in right now. I feel like I have all the faith in the world, that I know God can heal me, but things haven't worked out. I got a little ahead of myself here. I have a very mild form of CP w/o mental retardation. my challenges are just not having very strong legs a lot of clonis (shaky muscles) and difficulty lifting my legs. so now back to my life experience. You might say that these challenges probably contributed to my depression andyou are probably right. As i said before I think I alsways had this feeling that things would get better, that my 'suffering' would make sense one day and that it woudl all be worth it. well now 20 years later i am physically struggling getting to work each day, we are short at least 1000$ per month ....a really great recepie for negative experience. All this being said though as i have worked one day at a time there has been a slight clearing in my mind and my heart around the negativitiy in my life. In fact with only three weeks of sobriety I can recognize the physical symptoms of nervousness and fear that i used to cover with my addiction. Previous to this I was oblivious to the situation and saw my life slipping away and probably relished in the pain and suffering. I think that for me because of some of these negative things that happened in my life I believe i began to believe that I was a bad person, unfit for love from God or my parents. The distance physical and emotional helped push away that pain or push it temporarily away.

I often get upset or frustrated when people tell me to ' just count my blessings' or have a 'better attitude' because I felt and still do feel sometimes that my pain and hurt is being diminshed. That was then more frustrating becuase it seemed like God didn't care about me, didn't answer my prayers. I wanted to give up the addiction but didn't know how and probably wasn't comitted to make the changes. I have tried hard to make those changes, with very little success. Again back to what I said earlier I feel that I have the knowledge that God could heal me . . .if he wanted to. Life is then hard when things don't go the way that I believe they are supposed to go leaving me instead empty and alone inside.

Now I do apologize for being so negative in this post, I truly didn't not mean to come across as a downer, but I did want to try and communicate some of the feelings that I have had over the years. It is amazing in many ways how much help medication has been at times for me. It doeesn't take the bad days away, depression anxiety is still there, but there doesn't seem to be as much highs and lows as there might have been in the past whic is relieving. WEll I hope this helps. Probably the biggest help for me over the years was the ability to get outside of myself and start communcate. I use to stuff my feelings inside and then explode when things didn't go right. now I am trying hard to communicate my feelings and let go of the worry for a ot of other things. Having that perspective is a gift from God that has helped me in my recovery. I hope someday soon to be able to stand, or more appropriate kneel confidently before my Savior and place my life in his hands and go where he would have me go, till then I will be taking it one day at a time :).

posted at 12:24:01 on August 13, 2014 by sjanderson

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