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It is worth it, is it possible to change?
By sjanderson
7/27/2014 8:47:52 AM
I don't mean to be the source of negative vibes again. I am just very worried about my life my situation. I wanted to go to church today, but because of some miscommunication between my wife and I; I ended up having to stay at home from church. I told her that I didn't want to go to church but felt that I needed to. She being the way she is couldn't figure out why you would do something that you don't want to even thought you know you should...She is the type that will only do things that she wants and to h@ll with anything that any would ask her to do that she doesn't feel like doing.

I just finished watching Elder Oaks talk about divorce. He talked about the importance of marriage, but i feel like I am out of hope with my wife who yells at me telling me that I am the cause of all anger, resentment etc for her. He said that eternal marriages that are celestial don't contemplate divorce, but I feel like there is no hope. He said that selfishness is the source of much of the problems. I have tried not to be selfish, but yet she keeps telling me that i am selfish. It gets to be complicated because she keeps telling me that i am selfish, angry etc. I am trying to reflect and look and be honest with where I stand. It is just hard when it seems like all the input I have at home is negative input. I have been trying to put her first. Elder Oaks also said that we need to pray together as a couple to save our marriage. My wife will not even talk to me hardly without yelling at me. i am trying to do what I can to live the Gospel. I know I shouldn't look to my wife for positive input, i have to look to the Savior for help, it is just that the Heavans seem to be closed to me right now. I think part of the reason we haven't divorced so far is because my wife's experience with her parents divorcing and then also because of the money situation.

I so want to have the Lord answer my prayers, to help me feel loved and know what he wants me to do. My wife likes to tell me how I lied to her about my past, how she wanted to know everything about my past and opinions to avoid a bad relationship. My struggling summing up is I know in my mind what Elder Oaks said is true, that eternal marriage is important my struggle is with my heart, like a lot of things. I know I want to follow the Savior's plan for me but I have these ideas of what I want to do and then when things don't work out I give up hope for dreams or hope in life because I feel like what is the point of setting goals and trying to change. Instead of setting goals and dreaming for the future like I use to, now my dreams goals and hopes are for the pain to just stop, for a way to get out of the situation.

Comments:

-    
"Is she even open to you both going through marriage counseling together? That may help both of you."
posted at 22:57:28 on July 27, 2014 by Anonymous
Problems with both of you    
"I'm not there and I don't know the entire story. That said, based on what I've read in the past, I'd say both of you have problems with pride; mostly you. Your wife is highly resentful, frustrated and angry, and rightfully so, and she doesn't know how to cope with your problem. I very much doubt anyone here can really say anything that will make a lot of difference in the situation.

The main point is that YOU caused the problem in the first place, so you've got to sleep in the bed you've made. Your pride isn't letting you see this very clearly. I know you need support; it's vital for you to recover, but sometimes the spouse is not the best person for that support. She needs your support, too, but you aren't the best person for that either.

I think that two things that will help you is to change your outlook. 1. I learned many years ago that if you can't change your situation, you must change your perspective. How you look at your circumstances, especially viewed through an eternal perspective will help. 2. Get rid of your pride. See the situation through her eyes. How would you feel in her shoes? And don't say you'd be more understanding. That would be a large pile of male bovine fecal matter. You'd be hurt, frustrated and angry, just like she is. I have to do the same thing with my wife."
posted at 05:27:23 on July 28, 2014 by Anonymous
Thank you    
"i appreciate the advice, I do believe I need to look at life through her perspective. I believe something I struggle with is the idea that I have either done enough or I can't do anymore. A friend once told me that when that happens I need to turn it over to the Savior and have him carry the load, to ask him for the help to meet her needs. I need to do that more/better and I am grateful to God for the Grace he has given me so far. I hope that I can have whatever it takes to keep going. Thanks again

Cheers"
posted at 12:47:42 on July 28, 2014 by sjanderson
FWIW    
"You know, I never really like Nephi, as in 1st Nephi.

He bugged me. He was always going on, and on, and on about his brothers. I was like, "Dude, get over yourself!" when I would read the scriptures. He got better about it once they reach the promised land he brakes away from his brothers. Eventually, after years of not getting along with him, I had an AMAZING experience with the Psalm of Nephi where I got to look into his heart and we connected. Now when I read him, I love him. Anyway, before we got to be friends, I was reading Christ Centered Life by Covey and he commented on this same perspective on Nephi. It was the first time that someone else had admitted that Nephi was a bit on the whinny side! I was very validated. Covey went on though and talked about a lesson that we can take from the early chapters of Nephi. He said that there was a period of Nephi's life where instead of having a Christ-centered life....he has a Laman and Lemuel-center life. He was focused on his brothers errors as a means of seeing the world, instead of seeing things through Christ's eyes. He was doing his best to serve the Lord, (and he was pretty darn cool) but he still was letting his brother block his full view. Partially, because of his love for them and his worry for them.

SJ bro - I thought of this when I read your post. You sound like you might be having a wife-centered life my friend. You are doing good things. But at some point you've got to let go of her and grab onto God. You've said that is the crux of the problem, and so you know this, but I am saying it anyway. Let go of her. And let go of yourself.

It's time to free fall man.

God will catch you. "
posted at 15:31:06 on July 30, 2014 by maddy
thank you    
"I do need to let go. my sponsor said to me a while back that I couldn't have anything between me and God, I am realizing how very true that is no person no thing nothing between God and myself I didn't realize how hard that is, yet how when I get there I hope it will be very liberating, because there is nothing between me an God. I listend to a sermon last night about elijah and how he called fire down out of heaven. that is amazing to think about and yet I imagine that it was the same thing nothing between him and God, he was in tune so much with what God wanted him to do as you said he was able to let go and Let God. Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you and your journey is going well.

Cheers"
posted at 21:09:57 on July 30, 2014 by sjanderson
It is possible to change    
"Yes, it's possible to change, but it's also possible to no longer be tempted by porn in any form. I know because this is the case with me."
posted at 19:25:42 on August 10, 2014 by Anonymous
take a rest and place your heart on Jesus Christ    
"Place your heart on Him. Read scripures and materials that focus on his grace. So much of what we listen to inside and outside of the church is loaded with so much guilt and shame. IMHO the more we focus on the guilt and shame, the more we circle back to the problem. Whether that problem be addiction, self doubt, a struggling spouse, or anything that causes our mental anguish.

What I'm about to say on this post may not be conventional or popular but if you don't want to go to church, take a break. I spent years listening to everyone say to go because it is the right thing. Well, I finally took a break from it and it is the best thing I ever did. This may not be for you, and it won't fix all your problems, but it might just give you the rest from the message of perfection so often preached from the pulpit. Fill that church vacation time with things you want to do. Get outside. Take a walk with your family. Glorify in the natural beauty God created and thank him for it.

Focus on grace, and the true love of Christ. Take the time you would have spent sitting in church and find volunteer work. There are many people who could use your help. People you do or do not know. Maybe you and you're family could visit a person who is a shut in, or just lonely. Soup kitchens need volunteers all of the time. The possibilities are endless. I'm not speaking of service in the way the we are use to thinking of it, I'm speaking of giving and receiving the love of your Savior through focusing on his work, which is to give to the less fortunate.

Doing this work reminds me that we are all the same and are all in need of something. I always walk away from these experiences remembering that grace and forgiveness are real.

My.02

Im wishing you a day filled with God's love,

Angel"
posted at 08:34:47 on August 12, 2014 by angelmom
and yes    
"It is possible to change.In our family much has changed. We all have been transformed in our own little ways. Addictions are stopped or subsiding. Hearts are open, judgement has decreased, and shame is all but removed. The cool thing is, is that we can't take any credit. It was and is only through a personal relationship with our Savior that is changing us little by little each day. Things are not perfect by any stretch, but we no longer think they need to be. The acceptance of what is, coupled with God's grace is what seems to be working here, especially over the past 10 months.""
posted at 09:39:31 on August 12, 2014 by angelmom
and yes    
"It is possible to change.In our family much has changed. We all have been transformed in our own little ways. Addictions are stopped or subsiding. Hearts are open, judgement has decreased, and shame is all but removed. The cool thing is, is that we can't take any credit. It was and is only through a personal relationship with our Savior that is changing us little by little each day. Things are not perfect by any stretch, but we no longer think they need to be. The acceptance of what is, coupled with God's grace is what seems to be working here, especially over the past 10 months.""
posted at 09:39:42 on August 12, 2014 by angelmom
Thank you!    
"AngelMom
Thanks so much for your encouraging words. i think the expectations of 'what I am supposed to do' sometimes can be just as detrimental as what i shouldn't do. That is as you say feeling guilty for not being a 100% home teacher etc. I want to be better, which is a gift of Grace from the Savior. I am truly grateful for this. There are a lot of things that are really maddeing to me. I guess it is funny as I think about it I stuffed my feelings inside for so long, wanting to be good, wanting to please others, wanting to do my part etc. When things got hard instead of taking a deep breath and refocusing on life and what mattered - my relationship with the Savior I took the first opportunity to rebel and run away from what I had been taught and what I thought was causing me all this pain in my life, when i fact all that did was cause me more pain in my life :). i guess I am willing to admit now I am really messed up, I am broken. I want to believe that the Savior can know who I am, that in all these billions of people I am not a freak of nature whose DNA just didn't form right or whatever, but that i am created in his image. Thanks again for your words of encouragement.

Cheers"
posted at 09:57:42 on August 12, 2014 by sjanderson
You'd be surprised    
"My marriage was there, once. It took a long time, but it is so much better, now. The work to make it better is well worth it. Hang in there."
posted at 06:27:33 on September 6, 2014 by Anonymous
It's definitely possible    
"I used to have no hope and think I was some freak all alone in the world with my problems. I used to think the world revolved around me and my wife was a big source of the reason I acted out. I used to think I could handle this "little problem" on my own and really, everyone else was the real reason I developed my "little problem" in the first place. I was WRONG! I am not alone. Many around me are sex/lust addicts. The world does not in fact revolve around me. My addiction is not a little problem. I am the reason I developed this dependence on lust and sex. I made the choices independent of anyone else. No one is to blame but me. I am powerless to overcome this dependence, there is no way I can do it on my own. God is the only reason I have found sobriety. It is essential that I turn my will over to Him in every situation. I cannot control anyone, including my wife, and how they react. I can only control how I act and react. She is hurting because of me, and I cannot understand her. I have betrayed a sacred trust between her and I. It is going to take a long time to develop trust again. Ultimately, it is an unfortunate consequence of my poor choices if she chooses to leave me. I totally wouldn't blame her. But I beg The Lord each day she will stay for she is an important part of my motivation for recovery. In time I have hope there will be healing as I stay sober because there are others, many others, who have been in my situation and have found hope and healing and have a happy and fulfilling marriage and life.

One day at a time. Abstinence and sobriety through The Lord will heal. Miracles can and miracles will happen as you put your trust in Him."
posted at 23:11:14 on September 9, 2014 by Anonymous
Acquainted with God    
"To continue what I said above, many say they regret that they have put themselves in a situation where they have to recover. They wish they would have never developed the addiction. They wish they would have made better choices before. The spouse wishes they would have never married a sex addict and been more careful when dating. They blame themselves for not being more aware of warning signs.

This thought reminds me of the story of a lesson in central Utah in the early settling days. The discussion turned to the Martin and willie handcart companies and how I'll advised their late departure was. A member of the party stood and said he never has had regret for what he went through for in their extremities he became acquainted with God.

I used to wish wish wish that I'd done it differently. I've now come to actually be grateful for my addiction. I know, crazy right? But with all my heart I testify that this is how I've become aquatinted with God and his ways and I'll be forever grateful to Him for His wondrous grace."
posted at 23:22:36 on September 9, 2014 by Anonymous
Anon ^^^    
"That was awesome. Seriously, that is a perfect connection to addiction and the travails of the Martin and Willie handcart co. It is possible to live a life with NO REGRET even for all of us!"
posted at 07:24:53 on September 10, 2014 by maddy


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004