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The cause of so much pain
By mike
9/11/2007 11:23:58 AM
My problem with pornography started at an early age in life. I haven't really pin-pointed the year, but as far as I can recollect it was around my baptism at age eight. I found a couple swimsuit magazines in my father's drawer in his bedroom and curiousity got the best of me. I remember taking the magazines and hiding them so that I could look at them whenever I wanted. I didn't exactly know why I liked looking at them, I was too young to get aroused. But they still gave me a funny feeling nonetheless. Over a period of a few years I decided on my own that I shouldn't keep those magazines and got rid of them. As I progressed into puberty I discovered masterbation and eventually I started to feel the depression that associates itself with looking at pornography and masterbating. At first it was difficult to deal with the hurt, partly because I didn't know exactly where it was coming from, and partly because I didn't know how to handle myself when I was hurting. I often thought it was because I didn't have very many friends, and because my ears stuck out a little and everybody made fun of me. Back then pornography was a way of escaping those painful feelings. When I felt bad, those magazines made me forget the pain; little did I know that it was those magazines that contributed mostly to the pain. I began to understand that I was addicted to them.
As I read most of these blogs, it brings to mind a lot of thoughts. Mostly I find myself reading the blogs of wives who are struggling to deal with the fact that they have an addicted spouse. For so long, many of us (addicts) thought our addiction would only hurt ourselves, and that is why we continued to look and act out. We were (and still are) so full of pride that we think we can handle it if only it is us we are hurting. It is one of Satan's biggest lies, to get us to believe that are actions are not associated with anyone else. But as I continue to address my addiction, I realize that it causes not only pain in myself, but also my wife and my family. For which I am truly sorry. I hope that wives out there know that this is part of our addiction (to limit the effects only to ourselves). It is equally hard to recognize that our addiction hurts others, as it is to come to grips with admitting we even have an addiction.
I am sorry to my family for the pain I have caused, and even more sorry to my wife for not recognizing how much it hurts her. For so long I thought it just was my problem, but now I realize that I have been the cause of an equal if not greater amount of pain to others around me. I hope and pray for their forgiveness, while I seek for forgiveness from our Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has the power to make right that which is wrong, and to make whole that which is broken; especially the hearts of our tender wives and children.

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"My addiction started very young as well. I was probably 5 or 6 and found magazines in a box under my brother's bed. That was nearly 40 years ago. I relapsed and relapsed and relapsed and Satan kept finding ways to get it in front of me in the early years because I didn't go looking for it, it found me. Then with the age of the internet, well that sure made it easy. About 3 years ago, though I finally got on my knees. I had messed my life up bad and I knew it. I had determined I couldn't repent (I was WRONG), but I could at least live like I knew I was supposed to. And I decided I would at least pray. That really changed my life. About 4 months after that, a series of miracles began to happen, which I will spare you the details of for now, but God took ahold of me and pointed me in the right direction. I was clean for over 18 months, then came the next relapse. I was devastated. I couldn't figure out how it happened. I was doing EVERYTHING I knew how, praying morning and night, reading my scriptures in the morning, praying with my wife. How could God abandon me to Satan when I was trying so hard? I had 2 or 3 relapses after that about a month apart. I ALMOST gave up and stopped praying. But, I knew the miracles had happened and I didn't give up. More importantly, I knew God wouldn't give up and I refused to let Satan have me back. So I kept praying with a determination that I was NOT GIVING UP EVER! It can really be easy as an addict to give up because we have so much we can point to that says "You're worthless and hopeless" But, I am about a year clean again and I feel good about that. But, I also know I have to constantly keep my guard up as well. I am glad to hear your faith in Heavenly Father and Christ. That is so critical in the recovery process. If I hadn't developed that relationship with them, I would have NEVER survived the relapses after the 18 months. But, I had no doubt they were still there and willing to help. That truly has made ALL the difference, even though I know I have a Way long way to go."
posted at 00:26:37 on September 12, 2007 by Foundsheep


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988