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journal from Utah
By sjanderson
6/29/2014 9:32:49 AM
Well I am back in Ut for the first time in a very long long time. i grew up out here and have always had a deep seeded longing to go back . . mostly because of the regret regarding my addiction. I had always thought I wanted to get a job where i would travel and see the world .. not realizing that all I wanted was to be able to keep runing from the pain, and consequences of my addiction. Since I never go the job that paid lots of money or allowed to travel and see the world I have continued ot be anxious. It is only now as I am back in Utah facing my anxiety am i able to recognize my deeper issues. I wish I could explain what it is i am feeling right now. I had the idea that i was going to go on a mission, find a job and I would happily ever afrer. Now that i have been living in the East far away from my famiy for years now, i have to face the real reason for my anxiety. I thought and even do now thinkg that had I only studied more I would have gotten a different job, would have ended up somewhere else and not be in so much financial trouble. I am trying to accept the situation as it is, as they say in AA, to be okay with things exaclty as they are, even though they are completely not what I wanted or expected.

In a lot of ways I am still angry at God because of my physcial diability and am only now 25-30 years later able to say those sort of things because it was not okay to be angry at God, and I would be scolded on how I should be grateful for what I have. I know I should and most of the time I am, there are juts times when it is not okay and I don't feel comforted by the Atonement or the hope that "someday" I might have a perfect body etc.

Thanks for listening

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987