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journal from Utah
By sjanderson
6/29/2014 9:32:49 AM
Well I am back in Ut for the first time in a very long long time. i grew up out here and have always had a deep seeded longing to go back . . mostly because of the regret regarding my addiction. I had always thought I wanted to get a job where i would travel and see the world .. not realizing that all I wanted was to be able to keep runing from the pain, and consequences of my addiction. Since I never go the job that paid lots of money or allowed to travel and see the world I have continued ot be anxious. It is only now as I am back in Utah facing my anxiety am i able to recognize my deeper issues. I wish I could explain what it is i am feeling right now. I had the idea that i was going to go on a mission, find a job and I would happily ever afrer. Now that i have been living in the East far away from my famiy for years now, i have to face the real reason for my anxiety. I thought and even do now thinkg that had I only studied more I would have gotten a different job, would have ended up somewhere else and not be in so much financial trouble. I am trying to accept the situation as it is, as they say in AA, to be okay with things exaclty as they are, even though they are completely not what I wanted or expected.

In a lot of ways I am still angry at God because of my physcial diability and am only now 25-30 years later able to say those sort of things because it was not okay to be angry at God, and I would be scolded on how I should be grateful for what I have. I know I should and most of the time I am, there are juts times when it is not okay and I don't feel comforted by the Atonement or the hope that "someday" I might have a perfect body etc.

Thanks for listening

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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006