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my little update
By sjanderson
6/15/2014 3:14:42 PM
well a few more days have ticked by and i am still sober. I am trying to practice positive sobriety in my life, difficult to do with so many choices ans opportunities in front of me it is so very difficult at times tomesschose the Lord's way and not my own. I had success this weekend with inlaws at family reunion, grateful for grace to be present during time with them even though i had to take vacation time, instead of being resentful I tried to appreciate the time i had with my girls. In fact yesterday I tried to make a rag dowl for my middle daughter, it was an awful attempt but it was somethign that she wanted and her mom was busy with family. I hope it made a difference. at times though it feels like little choices like that don't make any difference in life, but I have to hope that by making little choices now i can get to where I need to be. I was amazed at how alone I felt in a group of family members(probably about 15-17 at anyone time). I had this longing feeling to have people complete me or whatever it says in the SA manual (no I was not trying to be Tom Cruise from that movie). I didn't want to hurt or be alone anymore and I realize at times that I want to connect with my wife and she is on the computer etc and I can't or don't know how to communicate with her that I want to connect. I need to do a better job. I have tried to serve and put her first. I have a ,messy house I am going home to that I have to try and clean up before she comes home on Tuesday or whenever. I am worried that she wants the world and I can't deliver, and then there is hell to pay for my not getting done what she needs or wants done. I wish we coud both just let go of whatever it is we are holding on to, and be friends again. I am not sure we are at that point right now. There are a lot of things I avoid doing because I don't want to make her mad, and yet I am always confused as to what she wants to hear, how can I protect myself from being in trouble etc. I know I shouldn't be doing that but it is default programming. Any suggestions on how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciate. We were doing counseling via phone until about a week ago when the state of UT changed their laws etc (long story won't bore you here with the details). My wife had chosen this therapist and I thought she was making some progress, and in fact I felt safer in talking at times, at other times thought i woudl speak my mind and she would just in my opinion try and brow beat me into her point of view. I don't like conflict and I think she relishes it. I don't want to label her or anything, these are just what I am feeling or experiencing.

in a brief wrap up I have been blessed with a few more days of sobriety, am looking foward with hope. We face some immense financial career and physical obstacles that are unbeatable - on our own - I want to believe that God can give us what we need. What I struggle with is a sense of no self estem, that I don't deserve anything so God gives me nothing or the left overs or whatever. Now with some recovery and sobriety I am trying to approach him humbly and ask for his guidance to help me understand him and his nature, because my view of God is all sorts of screwed up:). Hopefully with his help he can fix this problem as I give all my heart.

Cheers

Comments:

Keep going!    
"I've been watching your struggles over the last few months. Something tells me you are learning and growing a lot, especially as you deal with the extra additional challenges you have in addition to having an addiction.

Even with previous occasional slip-ups, I suspect you are probably growing stronger than a lot of people that have managed to stay sober. I hope you give yourself credit for that! Don't measure yourself by your sobriety. You are really learning and growing, even if you don't notice the little steps forward. Hang in there!"
posted at 19:45:36 on June 15, 2014 by Anonymous
Thanks for the kind words    
"when i look at it, I am better than I was, and that is most important progress not perfection"
posted at 19:56:57 on June 15, 2014 by sjanderson


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