i have a lot of questions....
By mcr285
9/6/2007 10:50:53 PM

Well, this isn't going to be the most uplifting blog ever, but it's just been one those months.... or years....

Just over three weeks ago, my dad passed away. He had cancer, and it was bad, and he fought it for 10 months before the Lord finally took him away. His cancer was bad, and most people don't survive it, but we had hope and we put all our faith in the Lord that He would bless our family with a miracle. EVERYONE thought my dad was going to make it. There are SOOOO many reasons why my dad SHOULD have made it.... so why didn't he?

I know all the gospel answers. I know that the Lord has a plan and that the Lord knows what's best for us, and that we'll see my dad again. But my mom is 55 years old, and most likely won't drop dead any time soon. HOW is being a widow for possibly the next 40 years going to be "for the best?" And my babies are just BABIES now. They won't be babies when they see my dad again. They won't be playing horsey rides, and baseball, and coloring, and playing playdough, and going to play golf and to the zoo and the beach.... they won't be little and funny and say and do all those funny things that always made him laugh. He was their biggest fan. And what breaks my heart the most, is that a few years from now, they won't even really remember him or the great man that he was. How is that for the best?

And what I really don't understand, is that both my mom and my brother on separate occasions, in the temple, had confirmations that my dad would be healed of his cancer. And my dad was given numerous blessings that he would be healed and that he would be able to spend more time with his family, teaching his children and grandchildren the ways of the gospel. And guess what? My children and I haven't seen my dad since the end of April. The night he died, I got to the hospital about two hours before they turned off his ventilator. He was in a coma and a machine was breathing for him. He was pretty much already gone. What really gets me, is that I would have come earlier, but things kept happening and I wasn't able to come. My husband's family planned a family trip in June, so I couldn't come then. I wanted to bring my children to visit in July, but my dad wouldn't let us come because the medication he was on made him too anxious around the grandbabies and he couldn't handle it. Then the weekend before he died, I wanted to come visit, and my brother was graduating and he lives halfway between my house and my parents house, so it would have been the perfect time to drive down, BUT the same night my brother graduated, my husband's parents decided they were stopping by our house on their way out to Utah for his sister's graduation. My brother graduated on a saturday night. I COULD have left his house sunday morning and driven the rest of the way to my parents house and been there by early sunday afternoon. But instead, I had to drive the opposite way back to my home, where my husband's parents were waiting. On sunday my dad was conscious and was joking with everyone. It was on monday that my dad started getting very sick and it was late monday night that he slipped into a coma.

Why was it "for the best" that I wasn't allowed to see my dad again, when I haven't seen him since April? Why was it that my siblings and their babies got to see him, and I didn't? I do not understand. I never gave up. I prayed all the time for my dad to be healed. I prayed all the time for a miracle. And my motives were pure and unselfish. I didn't want my mom to have to go through what she's going through now. I didn't want my siblings to have to go through this. I didn't want the people in our ward, or our family and our friends to have their faith shaken because after all the fasting and all the prayers, my dad still died. Why did he die?

It's okay, I really don't expect any answers here. I just really needed to get all this out there for someone else to hear. I haven't been able to share any of my feelings with anyone since my dad died, because I have been with my mom all this time and I have had to bury my feelings deep so that I can be strong for her. But I hurt, and I am heartbroken and I feel like if I don't get all this out I will go crazy!!!

More things that suck.... I found out about my dad's cancer about 2 months after I found out about my husband's pornography problem. Now he's back at home, and I am here at my mom's house. I had to give him the password to get onto the internet because he has to deal with the budget and all the bills and stuff, so now it's constantly in my head that at any time, he might just go look at porn and lie to me about it. He tells me he hasn't given into temptation.... wow, I just realized that it's been over a year since I found out. Just zipped past that anniversary without even a second thought. Do they make Hallmark cards for that? He tells me he hasn't given into temptation.... well, except for the one time that he "confessed" to looking at a Victoria's Secret add he got in his email.... but that was an "accident," even though he has the images blocked and had to go and unblock the images to look at them.... but he really doesn't remember doing that, but he must have, but it was an accident.... but he didn't look for very long before he realized it was wrong and then he closed right out of it. His words, not mine. And he confessed because he thought I'd found out already anyway. I hadn't. SOOO, that makes me wonder if it's really the only time, or if there were more times that he "accidentally" looked??? He says no, but how am I supposed to believe him?

And it just sucks that I have to worry about all of his problems while I am in the middle of trying to deal with the fact that my dad just died. But why not? I can handle it, right? I know all about the gospel and the atonement and everything my Savior has done for me, right? I know my Savior has felt my pain and that He understands, right? So why isn't all that knowledge making me feel any better???

In my husband's defense, he joined LDSAR a few days ago, finally, after I've been begging him for a year.... he's Joe. I love my husband. If he is the man I hope he is, then he is a wonderful man who loves me and loves our children and more importantly he loves his Savior. I really hope his joining here is a sincere step to bring him closer to his Savior, and not just something he did to make me happy.

I'm leaving him in your hands for awhile, you guys. I have way too much to deal with right now, and I just need to know that someone is out there that can look after him and help him find his way. Obviously, ultimately, it's up to him. He has to come to this site and he has to be willing to listen to what ya'll have to say. He tells me things like, "whew, I'm glad I am not as bad off as some of those guys..." and I wonder if he's in denial, or if he really wasn't as bad off. I don't even know if he really knows. I want you guys to help him figure that out..... please. We don't have any groups that meet anywhere in our area, so you guys are his group, you know?

Sorry for the depressing post. I probably won't be posting here much for the next little while. I am staying with my mom and she doesn't know about this, and I REALLY don't want her to know.... she has more than enough to deal with. I really do know that everything will eventually get better. It's just the time between now and eventually that I don't know how to deal with....


The same thing happened to me    
"It was so strange reading your entry because the exact same thing happened when my dad died. My older brothers and my mom were sure he was going to pull through and they had gotten supposed confirmation of this. My dad had been given blessings of healing and even up until the very end my siblings and my mother were expecting a miracle. My dad knew Neal A Maxwell and he came to the hospital. He gave my dad a blessing but it wasn't a blessing of healing. It was a blessing of comfort. I think he was more in tune than the rest of us. I've come to realize that the line becomes very gray when we are so emotionally invested in a situation. It's strange to think about now. That was in 1989. I remember I didn't share their optimism and that was almost a bone of contention between us. I just never felt one way or the other. Even these days, now that I'm active in the church and sober and doing everything right and hold the Priesthood, I don't immediately accept impressions as being from the Holy Ghost when I'm obviously biased to one side.
I have a habit of making everything about me when I actually just wanted to say to you that I feel for you and I hope you feel better soon. I stayed with my dad at the hopsital non-stop the last week of his life and my mom insisted that I go home to shower and take a nap. Wouldn't you know it, my dad died while I was gone but not before first having a few lucid moments with the rest of his children. I felt totally left out! It's weird how similar our experiences were. All wounds heal with time. It was hard for awhile. Everyone in my family went their own way for awhile and mourned in their own way. It's behind us and my dad is still a big part of our family."
posted at 19:41:05 on September 7, 2007 by soberinsocal
I miss you    
"MCR, I was re-reading some of your older posts, and it occurred to me how long it's been since you've posted. I hope things are going okay for you. I have been consistently inspired by your strength and I miss reading your insights, or just empathizing with how you are feeling."
posted at 20:07:38 on December 6, 2007 by andie
"Hey mcr I saw you were logged on. Hope all is well. Praying for you."
posted at 12:51:51 on February 10, 2011 by lawrence
Wow I feel for you guys    
"If that were to take place in our family it would be impossible to deal with.
I would need the comforter all the time. He is there and that is all I will say. He is there for us in times just like this and that is his mission to help you right now.

God Bless"
posted at 13:14:55 on February 10, 2011 by ruggaexpat
My Condolences    
"I am sorry to hear of your father's passing. It stinks to go through the grief process of loosing your dad and all your questions around it at the same time you are dealing with s#x addiction at home. They both bring such loss. I'm so sorry, Sister. (((Hugs))"
posted at 18:44:57 on February 10, 2011 by katie
Just a thought,    
"You mentioned your father had blessings to be healed and your family members felt promptings that he would be healed. When I read that I remembered a discussion I heard on my mission about blessing the sick. My mission president told us that our job as priesthood holders and faithful members is to bless and hope for the best. We should hope for continued life and health. The Lord is the one who decides whether or not to grant these blessings.

In other words, priesthood holders are not wrong to give blessings of health, even if the Lord has other plans. Even Christ asked for the cup to be passed from Him. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just important to remember that the Lord can take and the Lord can give.

I hurt for you. I hope you will find healing."
posted at 13:03:37 on February 11, 2011 by Anonymous

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006