Print
Out of the fiying pan and into the fire.
By torrenca
5/16/2014 6:19:58 PM
My life has been going at warp speed since the last time I was here . A special shout out to WARRIORON for helping me through my first couple of days after my posts. I hope he has great success he will be a great sponsor someday. Now back to me because I love to talk about myself (not).

After thinking my life as I knew it was over burning my garments, telling my wife as soon as are divorce is final I would be getting my membership in the church terminated........ Just saying to HELL WITH IT ALL. I will live in my addiction by myself I have done it before and that is what I was planning on doing. Seeing how I had already made these decisions before I wrote my first blog. What has happened since has thrown me for another in the total different direction.

My decision on Monday has changed my total outlook on life. I didn't want to ask for to be forgiven again. It hurts to much to fail again and again. I wanted to be there for my wife and children but I'm broken they don't need broken. As I was going with this argument in my head. my father my dad suddenly was in my head saying that I am the son of my father. Now this stopped me in my tracks. Now wait a minute. As this sunk in I am my fathers son. It shocked me because it was true. Now I love my father he was a good dad he wasn't around much. But I didn't want to be like him. My mom divorced him after a life time of porn addiction. I don't know his whole story but needless to say my brother and I found his stash when we were young. He died less than 2yrs after his divorce alone. I didn't want this for myself or my family. So I made the decision I will fix me no matter how hard it will be. Monday I made an appointment to talk to my bishop. Tuesday I went to arp class (man I wish there was a pasag class in my area). After the meeting I went and talked to my bishop. I actually gave him this site and told him my blog name before the meeting so he new what was going on with me. I liked it save me a lot of time and I didn't forget to tell him anything. After the meeting with my bishop I called my wife and told her we needed to talk again.... She asked if it could wait I told her no. We talked I told her I wanted her only her and I didn't want to loose her. Now this shocked her she came back at me with this and that and are you sure. I told her I wanted her. I still don't know if she truly believes me. But I do want her.

Now on the masturbation front (does anyone else hate that word?) I'm on my 5th day. Its a lot harder when you need to fix your marriage to. I have been going out of my mind the last couple of days but I keep telling myself that it will get better. Today I'm so mentally exhausted that its been a lot better and I'm not thinking about it every other second. enough said I will succeed!!!!

I am still looking for a sponsor. I just need someone to be accountable to and if I do mess up to kick me in the butt. So if anyone knows where to find on let me know. I am thinking of going to a psag meeting its 2.5 hrs away. I want to see the difference between the 2 meetings. I will be going every week to the general meeting that is in my local town.

I feel so much better. But I also feel crazy my emotions are messing with me big time. This is a very new, feeling for me has always been hard and I have always covered it up with mb and porn. I think the feelings will be my biggest challenge for me so anyone with suggestions there will be greatly appreciated.

Comments:

Roller coaster    
"Recovery is a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. It's enough to make you sea sick. Writing it down and having a sponsor to remind you of the ups and your previous commitments is really helpful when the downs hit.

You're doing awesome!"
posted at 10:48:33 on May 17, 2014 by maddy
-    
"Torrenca, you will experience a lot of opposition in your repentance and walk with the LORD. Satan hates it when people turn to the LORD and cleave to Him with their heart and mind. Expect opposition and pray to Heavenly Father and ask for deliverance from temptation.

Humble yourself before God and keep going to addiction recovery classes. Keep following the steps. If you slip and mess up get back up and keep walking. You may want to find something good to fill your empty time with. Pray that the LORD will help find something good to throw your energy into.

I have suffered with sexual temptation for over two decades. Through the LORD's grace I now hold a temple recommend and am active in the church. I just refused to give up and kept reaching out for God. He wants to help you in every place in your life.

I know I will continue to face temptation in my life and if I am not careful I will find myself falling back into old habits. But I have hope that God will deliver any who humble themselves before Him."
posted at 01:06:43 on May 18, 2014 by Anonymous
prayer    
"The first thing that I ask is to be humble. A very big down fall is pride I don't ever want to say look what I have done look what I have accomplished. I just tell myself I'm not doing this on my own without him I would not be where I am now or where I want to be in the future. I think if I keep this in the for front to never forget this it will be easier to keep clean. Hopefully someday my wife will see this change so she will trust and love the real person that I will become. A week ago today I hadn't prayed really prayed for years yes I have said dinner prayers. Giving my son his blessing after ordaining him to a teacher but to pray for me to ask for his help to open my heart to him has been so long. Over the last year I had decided that I didn't want do be forgiven again why should I ask him over and over again to save me. I thought he doesn't deserve my disrespectful soul to keep screwing and up adding more burden on him. I know that this is his plan and its the only way. I just feel I have hurt so many through my actions he should say uncle at some point. Very thankfully he is not me he has so much love to give us we just need to remember to follow him.

Now that I have thrown up all this love-ie-dov-ie stuff. I am a man with many problems who doesn't like people to preach as I just did but its true I hope to keep him in my heart an mind. I just hope I can keep a little bit of screw you attitude as I go forward because that fits me to. thanks for listening."
posted at 09:00:13 on May 18, 2014 by torrenca
Welcome to commitment...your life will only get better    
"Hey TORRENCA,

MADDY and ANGELMOM are awesome. So are many others on this site. Keep listening to them.

Have you tried http://www.curethecraving.com ? It's safe to give them your email address, they will only send you links to their program.

But if you don't want to give your address yet, I get it. You can listen to the basics of the program here: http://abettermormon.com/download.html .

Tony designed that program to be $20 per month, or something like that. However, it is now 100% completely free. It's worth much more."
posted at 13:37:23 on May 20, 2014 by BeClean
Sponsors    
"Sponsors are hard to come by. There are some guys out there attending the SA program who have many years of No LUST, No sex with Self Sobriety. Some of these guys are in their 80's and that's OK too. In this war for our souls we need all the help we can get (even outside the church) . I recently had a major falling down with my recovery and now see these SA individuals as a valuable resource in my recovery. With the Lord we will prevail ; Freedom!"
posted at 09:40:17 on June 9, 2014 by R_Matt
two cents    
"TORRENCA
congratulations on five days!!! you are doing so well. I am saying that as someone with 14 days. Hang in there. I wish I could tell you that finding my sponsor was my idea . . .it wasn't i was my wife. She contacted ARPSuport at http://www.arpsupport.org/. My sponsor has been a rockstar, or more appropriate he is a warrior for our Savior, humble and doesn't take any crap. I have grown so much with him over the last five months. I hope that someday I will be able to get to the position that he is in. I appreciate the association of the local SA brothers as well. I am blessed because there is a fellowship on my street, otherwise I would not be able to make as many meetings as I have. I think I shared the 12 promises of recovery earlier. that is what has kept me going, that there is hope, that it is not that far off. . . in terms of 'just surrendering my will'. I have really liked the song by Casting Crowns All You wanted was my heart. the song describes how all He has ever wanted was my heart, everything else he already has.

What you said about pride is so very true. i had an experience with my wife last night in which I was not willing to be meek and wanted to be right . . which only threw gasoline on an already smoldering fire. I hope you can find a sponsor, that is what has helped me make a lot of progress. the other thing I am doing now is a daily renewal with friends from the SA program, basically just surrendering my lust and other negative feelings to God, to somone else. Hope this is helpful and pray for your success!

Cheers"
posted at 16:54:24 on June 9, 2014 by sjanderson


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988