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First blog, My Story
By nephitegirl
2/13/2014 5:58:51 AM
(This storytime is going to be a lot briefer than the first one I wrote. Cuz I don't want to write it all again. Sorry. It was erased before I could post. Though, it did help. I feel better since I wrote it. Maybe I won't cry while writing it this time.)

Hello there. I am a single, 26 year old who is addicted to pornography and masturbation.

I think it began when I was a child. I was raised in the church in Florida. I have 8 older brothers and sisters. I spent a lot of time outside, reading fantasy books and spending time with the two friends that were my age. (It was a really small town.) One of those friends was a boy who would take me to his backyard when I was about 7 years old and introduced me to the game of "Doctor." Yes, the sexual "Doctor."

I actually don't remember much about my childhood. Very fuzzy, just small bits. I honestly think I've blocked some of my memories out. But one memory that stands out very clearly is hiding in the bushes with him, pulling up my skirt so my mom wouldn't see us. I must've known it was wrong, because I was hiding and didn't want her to know about it. But I don't remember how I knew it was wrong.

I first saw pornography in middle school, when my parents bought a computer for our home. But that wasn't when I got addicted.

I got addicted while reading a fantasy novel I got from the library in high school. Not a romance novel, but a time traveling type novel. It had a racy part in it and it absolutely fascinated me. I moved my hands over my body like the people in the book and found masturbation. I was hooked. I think I kind of knew it was wrong, but I tried not to think about it too hard.

Which was easy for a hormonal, lonely, introverted teenager.

In high school I was addicted and didn't realize it. Internet chat rooms and books were the main culprits. When my father died, everything just got worse.

Then I entered college (while living at home) and bought my first computer. And became addicted to internet pornography of all sorts.

Meanwhile, this whole time I was going to church every Sunday. Was Mia Maid and Laurels presidency and Nursery Leader. Even a YW counselor. "Righteous, upstanding young woman." Pfft, right.

In my last year of my Bachelor's degree, I decided to read the Book of Mormon. I don't know why, but I did. And I gained my first, new, shiny testimony of the Church. But that didn't stop the urges and I didn't stop viewing pornography. Again, tried not to think about it too hard. But then my Bishop approached me about a mission. I wanted to go. So, I knew I had to come clean. For the first time EVER, I wanted to stop viewing pornography. And I did.

I confessed to the bishop and honorably served an 18 month mission. Best time of my life. I loved my mission. Still had urges, of course, and the images wouldn't go away from my mind. I didn't view pornography and didn't masturbate, but it got to the point where I would cum just from rubbing my hips into my bed or washing in the shower.

Is it like this for other people?

Anyways, I came home and life happened. I started viewing pornography again. I talked with my bishop again and started going to Addiction Recovery classes in Florida. My brother (who had recently rejoined the church and moved to Utah with his family) invited me to come live with them. In Utah. I thought it would be easier to get over this addiction if I was surrounded by Mormons instead of just the tiny congregation in the tiny town I lived in. So, I moved to Utah to live with my brother, his wife, and their two children. Best thing I could've done, really.

See, my brother didn't have internet. And I didn't have a computer. For a year, my only access to the internet was on my (non-smart) phone or at the public library. Yes, a few times I got desperate enough to look up literotica on my phone, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in Florida.

I got a job working for the church in a industrial sewing plant, assembling temple garments.

But I had to move out of my brother's house sometime. Six months ago, I moved into an apartment with WiFi and got myself a laptop. Yes, I know. Big mistake. And by then I knew that if I lost my temple recommend, I would lose my job, too. You see, you can't work for the church if you aren't worthy of the temple. I justified not talking to my YSA bishop for this reason for a long time. I was absolutely terrified of losing my job, my apartment, my pride, everything. And I tried to quit by myself, with no help.

But it finally became too much, I knew I couldn't do it anymore and I confessed to my bishop. And he didn't take away my temple recommend.

He said I was brave.

I didn't feel brave, crying in his office, but he said I was. We talked and came up with a temporary plan. That was in January. I need to set up an appointment with him for the end of February, btw. I have been clean of pornography since my meeting with him.

But I did masturbate the other night. And now I am terrified again. I was so scared after doing it that night I couldn't sleep. I had to take a pill just to calm my brain down, it kept screaming at me that I ruined everything and was a horrible person, etc.

THIS STUFF DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ANYMORE

I feel absolutely horrid, but I know I have to be honest with my bishop. I don't want to lose my job. I'm scared. But I'm more scared of not being able to look at the Lord when I see Him again. I want Him to be proud of me. I want to be able to be with Him. And I'm scared that if I don't conquer this, I won't be.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be clean. Please help.

Comments:

Welcome!    
"My heart goes out to you Nephitegirl. I pray for you. I want to cry with you. This is not fun.

You are on the right road. You are doing the right thing. Change will not be immediate, and it won't come easy. You've struggled with this for a long time, and you've let it get worse before seeking real help. Now it can start to get better, but be patient. It will take some retraining of your mind and body. You won't just immediately stop craving these things, and you need new habits for when the cravings come.

I've had a very successful, but very long recovery road spanning a decade, including my marriage. My wife has been very helpful and instrumental in my recovery. But a marriage partner is not necessary. Still, this addiction must be out in the open, because it grows in the dark hiding places. It dies when you start talking about it with people. So, please, stay open to your bishop and your group meetings.

You're welcome to read some of the many posts I've written on this site over the years. Some might help. Just click on my username.

I strongly recommend you learn about Tony Litster's FREE porn addiction recovery program. It's excellent, and he's a Saint. Go to abettermormon.com or curethecraving.com, and don't be afraid to sign up.

You are not alone. You are loved. You have infinite worth."
posted at 08:17:13 on February 13, 2014 by beclean
My heart goes out to you really    
"Nephitegirl,
welcome! thanks for sharing your story. I have struggled myself for twenty years. I believe I have felt some of the same feelings you may have felt despair and hoplesness. If I can suggest to you some things to help. I would second BECLEAN's suggestion of curethecraving it is a reall good program that talks about the three aspects of addiction. Helping you understand the hormones rolling around in your head I think will help you fight back. I would also suggest the two books He Rescueth my Soul and Like Dragons they did fight. Again these books are different views on the addiction problem. Again I believe when you begin to understand the chemistry behind the addiction you will be empowered to fight back. It doesn't fix the problem, but as you learn to eat right, exercise etc you will no longer feel powerless against an insurmountable obstacle. I would also suggest the blog sitting in a rowboat throwing marbles at a battleship. A talk by Jack Christiansen Healing the Broken Soul is another really good resource that talks about the sources of addiction, the fact that we are not bad people, that God loves us so much, being able to understand that you are of infinite worth NO MATTER WHAT you do. Finally I would strongly recommend getting a sponsor having someone to be able to talk to about your struggles, help hold you accountable, will probably help you not feel alone any more. I know for me a big challenge I have had over the years is the idea that I was the only one who struggled with my addiction, that I was the worst thing in the world. Good luck to you, more importantly my prayers are with you!!

Warmest regards"
posted at 09:51:48 on February 13, 2014 by sjanderson
The Solution    
"I'm looking forward to the day when I finally realize my personal solution to this problem!!! I'm sure its simple and has been staring me in the face. getting myself to go to SA meetings, constant prayer ect. all seems so hard at times; really hard to admit that I'm not like everybody else and that I NEED Those things (My Pride). Maybe If I practiced and implemented all these really difficult things into my life they'll become easy one day; like walking or anything else that's seems so impossible at first! I'm still stuck into my own trap of wanting to think I'm normal and the Porn and Ma habit will Go away. Of course after my Binges (teetered on the edge now) Its clear how bad my situation really is."
posted at 23:34:59 on February 13, 2014 by R_Matt
Thanks for the Support    
"BeClean and SJAnderson, I've joined the cure the craving thing. It sounds like a legit program, but I gotta admit, the first movie after joining (where he talks about not being invested in it because it's free and how he's worried that it won't help because I didn't pay...) had me worried. There would be no way I could've joined if it was a paid thing. It actually made me feel guilty and a little worthless because I didn't pay, like there was no way for me to succeed since I'm poor. I know that's probably not what he meant, but it made me feel that way.

Anyways, I'll try it when the emails start and I'll watch a few more movies. If they leave me feeling that way again, though, I'm not sure I can finish it.


Oh, and R Matt? THERE ARE NO SIMPLE SOLUTIONS. I don't know how to be encouraging like the people here, but I know how to be blunt. You've got an addiction and you've got to deal with it. It won't just go away. In fact, listening to my recovering alcoholic friend, it will NEVER go away. But the urges can be REPLACED with alternate habits. According to the guy on the Be a Better Mormon site I just talked about above, eating healthy helps. I'd never thought of that. So, what did you have to eat today? Was it a healthy diet? (I probably sound like your mother, but whatever.)"
posted at 01:49:56 on February 14, 2014 by nephitegirl
I agree with you about cure the craving    
"Nephitegirl,
I am in the same situation, or feel similar as you mention about not being able to pay for the program. i wonder if it was more than the money though and addressing the mindset of an addict in which you can dabble with controlling your urges but not truly addressing them. that is something from s@x ahollics anonomyous (SA) tradition. If you can fit it in I would possibly recommend seeking out this group. Their standard of sobriety matches the Church's standard. Best wishes"
posted at 04:10:29 on February 14, 2014 by sjanderson
Source of Help    
"I watched an Education Week talk by Brad Wilcox and found it to be a great source of help. It is also found in his book, "The Continuous Atonement" but I got even more out of listening to it. Please don't let the title of "After All We Can Do" worry you at all. He has a fresh perspective on this that helps us apply the Grace of our Savior in a way that I hadn't realized.
http://www.byutv.org/watch/adab2746-ea97-466b-bd62-468b1dce7d76/byu-education-week-brad-r-wilcox-2009"
posted at 09:54:58 on February 14, 2014 by 1stepatatime
Balance    
"I don't think Tony ever wants you to feel bad, but sometimes he can be blunt, just like we all can. He used to charge for this program. Now he only asks you to pay it forward. Give it your best investment of time. Schedule time to listen to his phone calls. Listen to the weed, water, repeat. He just wants you to take it seriously, and you are more likely to do that if you realize the value of the program and actually pay for it. But if you didn't pay, it's still possible to recognize the value, just harder.

Try not to let what other people say make you feel bad. I used to do that a lot. positive Affirmations have really helped. I'm a negative self-speaker. Perhaps you are, too. That's one thing I love about Tony. He helped me to see this isn't just a spiritual problem... I'm not just a spiritual loser. It's a physical and mental problem, too. The reason I couldn't control my cravings was not because I wasn't close enough to the Lord... I've actually always been fairly close to him BECAUSE of my problem (and you probably are, too). I struggled because I didn't take care of my mind and body. I talked bad to myself, I didn't love myself, I ate garbage, and I didn't sleep or exercise. No wonder I had cravings!!

I'm not perfect at balance now, but I'm a lot better, and my cravings come only a few times a year... When I'm out of balance. And I have tools to deal with the cravings when they come now.

God is real. The plan is real. You have infinite worth. I'm thankful for the Savior!"
posted at 10:00:04 on February 14, 2014 by beclean
Hope    
"I just came across your blog, it has been a couple of months since you wrote, I hope you are doing well. With God's help all things are possible, even being completely healed and free of prom and masturbation. These problems are not outside the umbrella of the atonement. If it was impossible to be completely healed of addiction, that would mean the atonement is limited, that Christ can help some things, but not others. The atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite. Have hope!
There is something else I want to share with you that may give you a better understanding about why this stuff is so hard to break free of. There is a spiritual element to the problem that no one seems to be addressing. Read the post " Why you can't stop once you start" at http://wholesomelives.wordpress.com I hope it is helpful for you. God bless you!"
posted at 13:26:09 on April 5, 2014 by Anonymous


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988