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What the Heck am I doing?
By sjanderson
2/3/2014 12:01:41 PM
Step 3 - Key Principle — Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
I need to get somethings of my chest, i hope sharing with you will help and will help me understand what is going on in my life.

I am a recovering adict who has struggled off and on with sobriety for years. Last year during a period of sobriety I felt inspired to switch my career to become a physician assistant. This came out of some reflection in February of last year and felt it was then confirmed by the Holy Ghost during the talk by Elder Bednar about repentance and the Bishop being God's PA. Now as I look at it I realized there are lots of ways of looking at the situation, that I might not have the right perspective, that God's ways are greater than my ways, that he'll make more of me than I will of myself etc.

Anyway I've been back in school for about a year now, hoping and praying that what I am doing is the right thing, however it just seems like my way keeps being shut up. As part of my transition I need to perform medical contact hours with patients. Being a social science type and living in a big city nobody needs my volunteer time. This is coming on top of the trying to keep working and have a family and hold a calling and everything else in life.

What's depressing about the situation is that we've taken out loans to go to school and that is in part how we've survived for the last six months. My wife is home with our three girls home schooling them. Because we live in the Nation's capital our income as a single income earner is significantly less than those in our community. My wife has made some reallly bone headed financial decisions over the years which have put us in a bad situation and yet I'm always the bad person, the things that I've done are 1,000 times worse than what she does.

I just feel like quiting and giving up since there is not much hope. this is one of those times I am hoping as i go to sleep that I won't wake up that God would just put me out of my misery. I wouldn't be so depressed if I didn't feel like the work was against me and that everyone including God was on my wife's side of every issue.

I can't explain her the anger and the rage that is involved in our marriage regardless of my addiction. Oh well i guess as always it is my fault and I have to take resp for everything. I just wish I could feel like I wasn't on a wild goose chase and that God loves me, that I can have something to hope for.

Comments:

Okay, I'm commenting on my own post    
"Now that I've had a chance to calm down talk with my wife I realize that I am wrong. I have a lot to be grateful for. The fact that our marriage has been held together is in large part thanks to her sacrifice and selflessness.

the title of my post encapsulates my feelings, I feel as though I am trying to change, trying to move toward God, however with "bad things happening" my mind set has been that it was from God because I wasn't good enough or whatever.

I am recommiting myself to sobriety, to work differently. in the past i would have said work harder. That hasn't worked for me, just putting in more effort pulls me further into the addiction. I am not sure how to turn my life over to God, but that is my new quest to ask for and have the courage to follow God's will for me."
posted at 12:15:57 on February 4, 2014 by sjanderson
A small update    
"Went to first SA meeting last night. It was hard, but well worth it. Am committed to living a sober life. Haven't realized until how the depth of committment required to live a chaste life. I have been decieving myself in beliving i was doign all i could. Grateful for one more day sober"
posted at 08:06:06 on February 6, 2014 by sjanderson
Why is it so hard?    
"I hope you are doing well since you wrote this post. You are in a challenging situation no matter how you cut it.
As I read your post I reminded of the wrestle that most people have that have been addicted to porn. It seems like the wrestle never ends. I liken it to wrestling with a grizzly bear, if you wrestle with it, you will loose. I like to let people know there is a way to end the wrestle. That may not sound believable, but it is possible. First of all you need to understand what is happening in a spiritual level. Most people aren't aware of what is going in the spiritual world around them that is pulling them towards pornography. Read the post "Why you can't stop once you start" at http://wholesomelives.wordpress.com to see what is really going on. Knowledge is power, I hope this is empowering for you. God bless you!"
posted at 14:18:38 on April 5, 2014 by Anonymous
lol    
"I see, you can't exactly wrap your crystler gt in "The devil makes you do it! With my MONEY BACK GUARANTEE you can become free from PORNOGRAPHY!" in Utah County with the rest of the network marketers so you're advertising here. Nice. Real nice."
posted at 15:09:24 on April 5, 2014 by Anonymous
You know I think I have had it    
"I am so frustrated! My wife about a month ago decided that she needed counseling assistance and went and made arrangments with a group that does online counseling. Well my Bishop who suggested that he woudl be able to help, doesn't feel comfortable with this sitaution now. Well i am stuck because I couldn't communicate with my wife. I am frustrated with myself becauase I can't communicate with her, or as she puts it I she can't understand me and it is my fault. While understand that p@rn is a problem and is wrong etc I have just about had my belly full of being told that I am the bad one in our relationship that my wife's coping skills of spending money we never had is some how okay or more justifiable.

When I spoke with the counselor today I felt like she was making up excuses for my wife's behavior even though she's not heard my side of the story the number of nights that my wife has asked me to leave the house, that I have spent most of my evenings studying at the local fast food resturant because my wife is stressed when I am around. I don't understand how she can 'get away with' sayin I am the source of her stress while when she spends money crazily that makes me stressed it is not okay for me to get angry and upset, but it seems to be okay that she just beat me up over and over again for my shortcomings.

For example tonight I come home from work, the kids go running outside because they are extited to see me, but I am told that the kids are find until I come home that I "bring in an evil spirit into the home." I can see how that might have been in the past, but with 70 days of sobriety I don't think this is the case anymore.

I have to say I am really close to tossing it all in becasue it doesn't seem worth it. Right now I have been directed to sit in "my room" because my wife is upset with me. Yet at the same time when I leave the room as she asks me to, the kids get excite and starting going crazy and she gets upset taht I don't get involved disciplingin teh kids, and yet when I try to get their attention i am 'angry or brining in that bad spirit again.

I have to share something really that really hurts. I really prepared more than before for this Conference and was hoping to hear something that was helpful or help me keep going. I didn't get that answer like I thought I needed. Insteadi it seemed as though there were a lot of talks about how bad p@rn is, which I UNDERSTAND is wrong is a sin etc, but good night enough is freaking enough already. I know that humbly I have to go back and reread the talks for the messages that I need to learn, it is just hard because I was hoping to hear somethign that would immediately help me keep going, to have some hope. This on top of the bad feelings from my wife about the Bishops unease about counseling online as I mentioned above. I understand that everyone in this situation is hurting and needs help, I guess I just get frustrated because I feel like now that I am seeing things from her perspective she is being given free reign to continually tell me how bad I am. Getting this out doesn't necessarily help me, but I am hoping that by writing and explaining my thought process that the Spirit will help me work on the things that I can control and let go of all those things I can't control. I have to laugh because last saturday I asked my wife if we had money to get a haircut and she said no. I respected that decision because I am trying to work with her and the money the budget etc. However I noticed today that she went and got more groceries and some lumber. in fact she spent a few hundred dollars the other day on fabric and I couldn't get a haircut . . . frustrating. I don't want to dwell on this issue. It is frustrating though when I look at the situation because I feel like in this situation I told her somethign that I needed, and she ignored me. in the past I wouldn't tell her things that I needed like shoes and clothes etc because of exacttly this same staution, that she was going to ignore me again.

I have to laugh, because if I don't laugh I will cry. in my pat. blessings talks about how I would be able to provide well for my family in a job that I would use my talents etc. I don't want to be jaded, I don't want to get upset at God, but it is so easy to get jaded at the sitaution thinking all the opportunities are past us by. My wife keeps telling me that when I change 'my' attitutde things will turn around that God will bless us, no metion about the habits that she is involved with spending money that we don't have and putting us in a situation where we don't have any hope of ever getting out of debt. But I guess it all comes back to the fact that I am wrong and that I am bad and I am the source of all that is wrong in the universe, and once I get my sh@t together the world will be better.

I know that last jab is wrong and I am out of line, I am just in pain and having a hard time because I am trying to stay inside the boxes that my wife is painting for me to keep things happy and peaceful and yet things aren't changing and she only is angry at me a lot of the time it seems like

thanks for listening"
posted at 19:04:34 on April 8, 2014 by sjanderson
Humility    
"We are given weakness to make us humble. For if they will humble themselves befor me and have faith in me them will I make weak things become strong unto them."
posted at 14:47:14 on April 13, 2014 by Anonymous
Humility    
"Wikipedia says: Humility (adjectival form: humble) is variously seen as the act or posture of lowering oneself in relation to others, or conversely, having a clear perspective, and therefore respect, for one's place in context. In a religious context this can mean a recognition of self in relation to a deity or deities, acceptance of one's defects, and submission to divine grace or as a member of an organized, hierarchical religion. Absent a religious context humility can still take on a moral and/or ethical dimension.
And I really like what CS Lewis says about it," writes, in Mere Christianity, that pride is the "anti-god" state, the position in which the ego and the self is directly opposed to God: "Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind."[7] In contrast, Lewis states that, in Christian moral teaching, the opposite of pride is humility and, in his famous phrase, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.""
posted at 15:15:51 on April 13, 2014 by Anonymous
Thanks    
"Your frustration and self reflecting made me smile. I'm going through a very rough patch its nice to know your not alone :)"
posted at 00:06:57 on May 10, 2014 by torrenca
Hang on SJ! You're gonna make it!    
"Hi SJ,
I have really enjoyed the uplifting and inspiring posts and comments that you have provided on this site. I am the wife of a recovering addict, 2 years and 2 months now since I discovered it. Congratulations on making it (if my counting is right by adding it to you 70 day post) to 121 days of recovery! That is something to be celebrated!
Standing where I am now and looking back at where I was at 121 days of my own recovery are two different places. I understand the shopping, I did the same. It just felt like something that I had control over and it felt therapeutic to have something fresh and new, not something weighed down with "history" if that makes sense. It is ok for a short outlet, but also needs to have reality checks, especially where a bank account is concerned. :)
I wanted to blame my husband for every bit of discord with the kids, house, yard, cat, tree, rocks, anything! You name it! It was his fault!
It was that General Conference where I wanted answers to why things were so hard for me. I prayed and wanted to hear something with - insert your name here - and it is the answer to your problems! Well that didn't come. All I heard was that I needed to be humble and forgiving. So first I felt really rotten and self righteous about it. Then as I did begin to humble myself I did go back and got a ton out of it. I loved this last GC and you are right, it did talk a lot about pornography. I wondered how my husband would take it and he thought the conference was great because he was acknowledging where he had been as different from where he is now. 2 years and 2 months.
So, 121 days is different, but on the same path. It will get rocky again and I have felt the same way as you in wanting to throw in the towel. If you feel good about the online counseling, then do it! At least 18 months of counseling is recommended for pornography addiction. We are still in counseling and still learning a lot about what the root of all of this was, how to let go and how to cope with and create a new life now.
Your wife is going to be ok. Love her. Be patient with her. Tell her when things are hard for you and invite her to support you. Let her express when things are hard for her, that is when she wants you to tell her that you are clean, she need that reassurance. She is putting everything in to staying and she needs to know that it is worth it to you.
There is great CD set on www.salifeline.org called "Strengthening Recovery through Strengthening Marriage" I also recommend the book "Love you, hate the porn". Both very good. We had to get two copies of the books that we read together since mine tends to fly out of my hands across the room in the direction of my husband. I'm just saying. (still working on the anger) :)
1 day, SJ. Sometimes 1 moment at a time. I chose my username for a reason. My recovery is 1 step at a time, sometimes big steps, sometimes baby steps, but as long as I am taking steps I'm gonna be ok. You are too!
Keep the faith, my friend! The Lord loves you!

Here is a link to the salifeline bookstore:
http://salifeline.org/bookstore/"
posted at 19:14:33 on May 29, 2014 by 1stepatatime


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay