A minor success
By sjanderson
1/8/2014 7:57:38 AM
I wanted to report a minor victory from last night. My wife and I have had some rocky relations over the years. i have used the disagreements with my wife as a club or an excuse to drown my feelings in self pity. The last couple of days with the cold spell has been a little scary at out house. Our heater was out for part of the time and we had concern that we might have frozen pipes. Yesterday I came home from work and my sweet wife was laying down exhausted having worked a full day with our three girls and feeling overwhelmed by the heater issue. I tried to pitch in where I could but she didn't want my help, still trying to understand what is going on there. She told me to stay away from her so I did. I feel a lot like I am dealing with my two year old at times with my wife (I'm sure she sees the same with me). Anyway there was a short period of time when it would have been very easy to slip of and act out to deaden the pain or fear with my primary addiction. I thank God for his help in staying sober one more day and am praying for his clarity as I work through another day.

As I recognize this small victory I hope and pray that I'll continue to have the Spirit to be grateful for these small steps, that even though it is not the miraculous change I've wanted for years and years it is a blessing and I hope as I recognize those blessing I will continue to see God's hand in my life.


Good job!    
"Thanks for the update.

How far into Tony Litster's stuff are you? Are you taking part in the weekly calls? Have you discovered his Radical Relationship Revolution site yet?"
posted at 17:30:54 on January 8, 2014 by beclean
I am at Week three    
"I am going to be in on week three's call tomorrow, we just finished the importance of the body and health on addiction. I feel a slight lift in the weight on my shoulders knowing that there are people around me who love me. what is also uplifting is to know that my wife still loves me. that despite all of her anger at me, she's still here and we are still fighting too often against one another, but now that I realize she is still here I have a great resource who loves and cares for me.

It is amazing how much isolation is part of the Evil one's tool kit"
posted at 11:41:59 on January 9, 2014 by sjanderson
I could never allow my wife to love me...    
"...until I learned to love myself.

Among everything else he's taught me, Tony has taught me (through the affirmations) to love myself. I now DO believe I am a child of God with infinite worth. I now DO believe God loves me and accepts me (he always accepts anyone who comes to him sincerely, regardless of their past). And, as a result, I now DO fully accept myself. I love myself--not in some perverted narcissistic way; I just don't hate myself anymore. I accept myself, and I believe I am lovable.

And now that I love myself, I can finally accept my wife's love. I always thought there was no way she could love me as much as she said she did. I thought her love was fake. I wanted her to prove it over and over again. And it was never enough. That's not because she didn't love me. It's because I didn't love myself. Now that I love myself, I can see more clearly that my wife actually does love me, and I believe it. I don't need her to prove it all the time.

Two of my affirmations are, "My wife and children adore me, and I adore them," and "I am loved and desired." I believe those affirmations, too."
posted at 11:54:23 on January 9, 2014 by beclean
"A success is a success no matter how minor. Keep up the good work."
posted at 21:57:22 on January 9, 2014 by jakey
"This is wonderful progress.

Learning to let go of other's actions and emotions is HUGE!

As a wife, I can tell you that accepting help from my husband (especially when I was hurting or raw) makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. Maybe she just isn't ready to let her walls down yet. She has her own healing to do.

But as you've discovered, your healing process and hers are entirely separate. You can get 100% better even if she doesn't. Though I hope she'll let those walls come down with the Savior's help, in His time and His way.

You can do this!"
posted at 08:21:33 on January 10, 2014 by maddy
Thanks Maddy    
"Maddy I appreciate your perspective. What I'm learning is what you said, that I have to change regardless of what my wife does. For a long time I didn't understand that and I'd gotten too focused on "all that stuff I have to endure" believing I'm the exception or that mine was the hardest. For example it was particularly difficult for me at work with folks who don't have the Gospel and who are not acting kindly to one another but seem to "be happy" really caused me a lot of concern or anger. I thought that someone might be able to pull one over on God, that there were favorites because other people seemed to get what they wanted and i didn't. What had also seemed too hard to swallow was the fact that other folks were being given the easy way out. For example the folks in my work are able to be successful and happy not constrained by the Gospel and not facing the challenges that I had. I often asked myself, if this is the plan of happiness do I really want any part of it :).

Having a physical disability that kept me from running and participating physically in life, I had spent my early part of my life focused on what I couldn't do. That kept me from enjoying the opportunities that are out there for happiness for me regardless of my situation.

As a small sign of my change I went in October to get fitted for a wheelchair. This is a big deal for me, to admit that I can't do everything. At the same time I did enjoy the ability to move around more smoothly and I am hopeful that I can participate in some physical actvities that I couldnt previously.

Growing up in the Church there came a time in my life when the "promise of a better body and eternal life" just didn't do it for me anymore. There seemed to be a hollow spot in my heart feeling frustrated becuase I was struggling physically, looking at other people succeed instead of me, and then feeling like there is no way Christ could understand what I'm going through. These feelings of inadequacy started long before my addiction now that I've done my personal inventory. I've also recognized the pride of telling myself that I'm oustide the Saviour's grasp.

As BECLEAN mentioned above, the bottom line is I am begining to try and love myself, appreciate myself for who I am, and try to see myself and others as the Saviour sees us. I would imagine that by having that perspective it would be much more difficult if not impossible to act out in porn and other related addictions because we see the eternal value and nature of each person, instead as objects."
posted at 10:56:32 on January 10, 2014 by sjanderson

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"When I'm tempted, I simply set it aside, and move on."

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