Print
Back to step 1... Isolation, frustration and walls
By Catherine
12/17/2013 9:21:44 AM
Its been a year since I have started ARP. I came to a meeting and heard hope from a woman with a similar childhood and relationships with family. I could really relate to everything she was saying as she was telling her story. All of it was so vivid in my mind. She talked about building walls to keep out the ones who caused pain, and even those who didn't cause it. Then, she talked about the hope she has received and the blessings of recovery she has experienced since first starting ARP. She no longer felt those feelings. That was my third meeting, and though I was invited by a friend and attended out of curiousity at first, and secondly out of the spirit I felt there, I knew I was there to heal.
I had actually heard from someone they had been healed and were making progress in letting down these walls. I knew this was what I wanted.

I have abandonment and trust issues that go far back into my childhood and continued through my adult life. I do have a wonderful spouse who is understanding and compassionate and sees the reality of the codependency that is a part of my extended family. I have largely blocked myself from being a part of that family situation, but I don't feel I am free from the codependency issues. I know I might not have them within those family dynamics, but I feel I have my own. I have a desire to be in control of my own life and fear giving up that element of any sense of "control" is very difficult for me. I've been subject to every form of abuse there is and I feel that is a lot of why I long and need to feel like I know what's going on in my own life and have some say as to what happens. Maybe these are unrealistic expectations, but in my mind, it is all very real.

Chronic illness and being homebound are part of my daily life, and I have sought and worked to change them. The judgmental people in my extended family and others whom I have on rare occasion "let in" I feel misunderstood by and rightly so, but their comments hurt and the walls go up. I just want to be free of these feelings of anger and frustration and mistrust. I want to have better relationships with my spouse and children.

I know these walls I build are also affecting my relationships between my spouse and my children. Those walls are harmful to my family and are partially due to the physical pain I am constantly in, but are also to protect myself from being hurt again by invalidation of what I physically deal with. I've been very angry this fall, it seemed to start when the bad weather began affecting my quality of life. (Summer weather allows me more freedom from pain) That anger and emotion was a turning point away from ARP, and I know those negative feelings are not the path I need to be on. I think it was compounded when my spouse was recently called to serve in a leadership position that takes him away much of the time, and though I am used to being alone all day, now he is gone a full 6 days a week plus other evenings. I feel so alone. I need to return to doing the steps again and find the courage and strength within me to do so. Please pray for me to overcome my weaknesses.

Winters become a season of seeking support online and I know there are places I can find acceptance, it is a fine line I walk before I am involved in inappropriate conversation and ultimately have gained the strength to leave those sites, to stay away. I continue to try each day to find things to keep me occupied and to feel validated, and I have come a long way from where I was a few years ago. I still have those temptations for validation from others though, even through conversation, and it is not something I want to return to. I just need to know where to start... I feel so lost!

Comments:

Support    
"So sorry that you are going through this. Life can be so tough and none of us are immune. I pray that you will find peace...even long enough to find clarity and to make some positive steps forward."
posted at 17:00:18 on December 17, 2013 by jakey
Please help me to understand your problem    
"Is it limited to co-dependency, or are there other aspects to it (you mentioned a "fine line I walk before I am involved in inappropriate conversation" online -- is that inappropriateness sexual in nature, or something else?)

I don't know much about co-dependency addictions, but I would like to do whatever I can to help. I am sorry about your pain, disability and loneliness. It seems you've got a lot on your plate. I'll be praying for you."
posted at 11:32:54 on January 6, 2014 by dog


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005