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My first Post
By cyo
11/27/2013 9:02:12 PM
Hello Everyone,

I am looking for help. I am hoping this is the place for me. I have always been an active member of the church and had a wonderful childhood. I have a strong testimony of the gospel and want the spirit of the Holy Ghost to reside in me once again. I currently have a calling in the RS presidency. I fullfill all my church duties. I hold FHE with my family. I pray and read my scriptures.

A bit of a background on my situation. I married almost 10 years ago and have 3 children (4th one on the way). My husband and I are happy but have major communication issues. I avoid conflict and he avoids conversation ( bad combo I know) . I think the root of my problems lies in this... up until about a year ago I had not experienced an orga$~. I had hated intercourse with my husband because I had no fun. I had just thought that it was impossible for me to have one . Well one night I decided to change that so that I could experience what everyone else loves about sex. So I mb'ed until I did. Turns out I wish I never had. Now I can't stop. I feel afraid and alone. I really try to stay away from pornography (that has only happened a few times when I am struggling through marital and financial struggles). I truly feel confused. I cant talk to my husband about it because even typing this my hands are sweating and I have so much anxiety. I cant talk to our Bishop because he and his wife are our closest friends. I just couldn't!

My Husband seems to have recently gone off the deep end. he has been experiencing serious anxiety and depression because of a new job and a business we own together. He is rarely happy. One day He stole Xanex from a friends bathroom and got caught. Since then we have been talking with the bishop, going to marriage counseling, and he has gotten his own prescription for Xanex. But every time he takes them he acts drunk and sleeps so much. I feel like a single mother. He is working all day long and when he is not working he is trying to finish his bachelors degree. or needs time to himself

And now I am pregnant. This pregnancy was a blessed gift I truly love each of my children and they are never a burden to me. I feel like I was born to be a Mother. I could have 8 Kids and be happy as can be! But I have been so sick...so so sick with this pregnancy. I was also diagnosed with a Auto immune disease in the last year. Life has been so hard and I truly feel better when i use this addiction as a release. I fail daily and that is exactly how I feel after everytime... Lilke a failure. Like my faults and weaknesses will somehow be sent to my children. I dont feel the spirits prompting in my life anymore. i so badly want them again. But I cant stop. Where can I turn for peace?
How can I have a normal sex life and not mb? With a husband that is taking anti-depressants that block all emotion.

Comments:

Princess    
"Welcome to the site. You are a daughter of God. A princess. It's imperative that you understand that.

I do not envy your many trials. And I think the stress of your trials has led you to seeking a chemical release from your stress. And you found one. You should not feel bad for your discovery. It may actually be a gift, when you can eventually talk to your husband about how to pleasure you. Perhaps you should tell your husband simply that you are interested in pleasing him in the bedroom, and then buy a religious book about marital relations, such as Between Husband and Wife or The Act of Marriage. You can read these with or without your husband and start telling him what you enjoy in the bedroom.

But that's all besides the point. You are worried about your newfound struggle. We understand you and accept you here. God still loves you and accepts you. You are not bad, you are simply responding to your stresses, and this is to be expected.

There are many good ways to cope with life. It's time to get back in balance. Time to take care of yourself. Do you get enough sleep? Do you eat healthy food? Do you exercise?

Anyway, I can't solve your problems, as much as I want to.

Please know you are loved infinitely. You are a princess and, as a mother, you are a wonderful, selfless person, even with your new habit. It does not make you bad. I promise many, many other women use this outlet to cope with life. You are not alone.

Congratulations on reaching out for help. Keep reaching out! Keep talking! Cry to God for help. He hears you. He will lead you along. He loves you. I promise."
posted at 00:39:42 on November 28, 2013 by beclean
My prayers are with you    
"CyO,
Thanks for your honesty in sharing you experience and reaching out for help. As someone who is struggling with porn and mb my heart goes out to you. The relief I've found has come from being honest, with myself and with the Lord. It's taken me years to "come clean" and be able to look inside myself and realize there might be something of value in my soul.

When I realized that I was not alone I think things changed a little bit too. My marriage is still rocky with finances a major concern along with my own past behavior an obstacle between my wife and I. Knowing though that Satan is working so very very hard to isolate me, and my wife to get us to feel alone to fight against one another has helped a little bit in staying strong. The other thing that has helped is coming to understand the deeper hurt or reasons that Satan has been working on me to push me to my past behavior. Realizing that my habit of porn has often been a desire to have control in my life, especially in reaction to some of my wife's actions that seem to bring chaos in to our home i began to have some insight and a little more clarity.

As beclean mentioned above i wish i could give you some advice that would make it all better, or to take it all away. That is the job of the Savior, give it all to him, your worry, your addiction, and your hurt. He is always there ready to take you back!!! He loves you more completely than you can imagine, just as you are right now!! You will overcome this with the Savior!"
posted at 06:52:33 on November 29, 2013 by sjanderson
Thank you!    
"such uplifting comments. thank you! I ordered a copy of between husband and wife on amazon just now. I am grateful I found this site. I am grateful for your help. Thank you beclean for reminding me of what I have told so many sisters in my ward and your wise words. SJANDERSON your advice means a lot knowing you are experiencing similar struggles. I can be strong!"
posted at 15:52:14 on November 30, 2013 by cyo
-    
"I hope you find joy in your marriage with your husband. It reads in the scriptures:
"Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished [overcome] always with her love." Proverbs 5:18-19

The LORD wants us to enjoy intimacy with our marriage partner. Obviously the law of Chastity sets boundaries. You will learn as the Holy Spirit instructs you as you strive to be a saint and follow Christ."
posted at 17:56:51 on December 4, 2013 by Anonymous


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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006