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My wonderful son...
By Summer
11/3/2013 11:54:35 AM
I'm just smitten with my 11 year old. He is amazing, does so much to help me. It makes me so sad that an evil thing like pornography can get into his sweet beautiful mind. We found out last night that he struggles with pornography. I am looking for any advice about how to help someone as young as him. A 12 step meeting seems a bit too old. He accessed it on his school computer. We are going to the school together tomorrow to talk to the school about this. My sweet little man is off to see the bishop right now. Please pray for him. Any advice about how to help a child this young with this would be so helpful!!!! Thank you my friends.

Comments:

Listen and provide a safe    
"If I may take the opportunity to give a comments

I Was the same age when I was introduce to pornography and masturbation
It is very important for him to understand that he is great son of god, that he is not the only one, there is many many many member and non-member that are struggling.

I would just advise in addition of meeting with the bishop to have someone to be able to trust and to share is truggle and challenge

There also some resources and group for young men such as the "the son of heleman"
You can also learn the 12 steps together with your son as well.

May the lord bless you

Your friend from Europe"
posted at 12:41:32 on November 3, 2013 by mike81
Listen and provide a safe    
"If I may take the opportunity to give a comments

I Was the same age when I was introduce to pornography and masturbation
It is very important for him to understand that he is great son of god, that he is not the only one, there is many many many member and non-member that are struggling.

I would just advise in addition of meeting with the bishop to have someone to be able to trust and to share is truggle and challenge

There also some resources and group for young men such as the "the son of heleman"
You can also learn the 12 steps together with your son as well.

May the lord bless you

Your friend from Europe"
posted at 12:41:32 on November 3, 2013 by mike81
Excitement    
"My daughter just discovered her first zit. I'm so excited for her. And she's OK with it, too now. Is that weird?

But I was always kind of excited when my toddler kids fell and when my other kids started losing their teeth and revealing silly looking grins and uncomfortably large front teeth.

Isn't all of this part of growing up? How would it be if we punished our kids for falling or losing a tooth? What if we insist our kids must cover their zits and blemishes to be beautiful or valuable. They have infinite worth despite the red dots! I have plenty of my own!!

When my son discovers his sexual urges, shouldn't I be a little excited for him? It's a perfectly normal part of growing up, and I must not make him feel in any way ashamed for being exited by pictures of naked women.

So, if I'm not going to shame him, what am I going to do? How do I show him my love?

I'm not yet certain. I hope the Holy Ghost guides me. I need it!!!

Summer, have you checked out that website I was recommending the last time you commented? it might help."
posted at 13:30:17 on November 3, 2013 by beclean
...    
"Mike81, thanks! I will look into the sons of Heleman, I checked out the website and think it looks promising. I will continue to let him know he's not alone many others have stuggled, are struggling and will struggle. I always enjoys your comments, thank you my Friend in Europe.
Beclean, thanks! I actually peaked at the website you suggested, but not indepth. I will though. Actually maybe the husband should, he's working at being a big part of our sons recovery. I parent much like you do. I actually talk really really openly, some think too open...but I also want my kids to know they are normal and have me to talk to. We've had the girls are cute talk (more indepth) feelings will get excited talk. But we also talked about respecting our brothers and sisters and not objectify them. I told him that thoughts will come into his head, again normal!!! I told him I would take him to the doctor if he didn't have those feelings...we joke a lot. So I totally promise I get it's normal. But looking up pornography at school at home at anywhere....has to be addressed. He has seemed a little heavier, angry, mean to siblings. And what's causing that has to go. He got home from the bishop and wow!!! He looked so much better, he laughed and smiled and said, "that wasn't too bad". I'm so grateful for a bishop that knows its normal to get excited and knows its unacceptable to look at pornography.
We have to have his computer searched and wiped clean....school rules not mine. I am good friends with his counselor at school and I imagine it will be ok. Im hoping he gets the lesson it's better to come forward than to be caught.
Thanks again for commenting you guys!"
posted at 15:06:23 on November 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Above comment was me    
":-)"
posted at 15:07:57 on November 3, 2013 by Summer
I'm not saying...    
"I wrote this before seeing your last response...

I'm not saying we should rejoice when our children come in contact with addictive porn, but the sad truth is that they will, and there is nothing we can do to prevent it. Telling them they are bad when it happens or making them feel bad because they found it exciting and intriguing will only backfire, because they will then be feeling bad just for being normal.

When the first zit appears, we can cheer that our kids are growing up, and then help them understand what causes zits and what they can do to keep them from remaining permanently... but we probably can't help our kids keep zits away completely, and no matter what we say, our kids are likely to touch the zits with their dirty fingers constantly, which only make them worse. What could we say or do to help them stop picking at it?

Whatever it is, it's probably the same thing we should say to our kids who have discovered porn and mb.

We still love them, no matter what. We don't expect them to be perfect. We are always there to talk with them. We always want them to be happy.

Nothing we say can really teach them the lessons they will only get from experience. All we can do is surrender ourselves to God, turn to him, trust him, and do what Abraham did: sacrifice our son to God. Trust that God will provide himself a ram, a sacrifice to take the place of our son, and our son will eventually be returned to us whole, as if from the dead, if we just trust in him."
posted at 15:13:50 on November 3, 2013 by beclean
Me again    
""Nothing we say can really teach them the lessons they will only get from experience." So true! The trials I have gone through have taught me that I can't protect anyone from consequences. that's why I'm not gonna cover and help hide his Internet actvities from the school. He's gotta face it. And I'm dang proud to say he feels like he can!
Thanks for caring!!"
posted at 15:23:02 on November 3, 2013 by Summer
Been there    
"Me too Summer. With my son. Same stuff. Same age.

I am going to keep this short and sweet and to the point. My advice is this: Love him. That is it.

Do not lecture him. Tell him that curiosity is normal and even healthy. Tell him that porn is everywhere. Tell him it was bound to happen that he would come across it eventually and not to worry too much. Ya, it is bad stuff but don't shame him. Let him know he'll come across it again and find out how he wants to deal with that. Don't project any kind of disappointment on him. Only project hope. Only look at the positives. Mutually talk about solutions, filters, and invite him to have PPI interviews with you and your husband, (Which as parents we should be doing anyway) and just keep the lines of communication open. Let him lead the discussion and ask him permission to share your thoughts on healthy boundaries. You get establish boundaries too, but those are the things YOU WILL DO....he gets to establish boundaries about what HE WILL DO.
You already took him to the Bishop, and it sounds like that he was willing. If it were me, I would invite him to go but would let it be totally up to him. I would counsel with him about what he feels like he thinks good boundaries are. If he'll talk to you I'd ask him his opinions about pornography. Does he think it is bad? If so why? Don't lecture him. Don't even tell him your opinions. Just listen and let him figure this out with you gently acting as a support and guide as the Spirit prompts.

Hope that helps."
posted at 15:54:54 on November 3, 2013 by Maddy
Maddy    
"Thanks for your comment! I'm loving him, just like always. He's a great kid, and yes would have ran into this sooner or later. I told him he's so young we can teach his mind how to handle problems. He wants help. He is frequently coming to me asking for more support, and I give it. I love that little man!!! My husband was the one that discussed going to the bishop, but from what I gather it was a mutual choice. Actually it's been a huge huge blessing today!! He came up to me today and asked, "do you think the school will be as nice as the bishop?" How great he had such a positive experience. I'll let y'all know how tomorrow goes with the school. He's asked that I go in with him. I really am proud of the things he is working toward.
Do you have any programs that you've tried liked or not liked? Books?
Thanks for your help."
posted at 19:49:11 on November 3, 2013 by Summer
...    
"My little man has in-school suspension. I was not allowed in the room with him, he had to do it alone. And that's ok. He made a choice and had to face the consequences. It's hard to see your kids struggle, but they have to learn for themselves the path they will take.
I'm ordering him the sons of Heleman workbook. We don't live near meetings for that. His dad has said he'll work through it with him.
I feel hopeful."
posted at 08:42:17 on November 6, 2013 by Summer


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