Exposed at 5 to Porn - My Background Summarized
By shootingstar
10/28/2013 1:16:42 AM
I'm going to start blogging on here.

My background:

I'm a late 20's single LDS guy. I grew up on the east coast in the normal world - ie. not in Utah. I now live out west by myself, no roommates. I have no family for thousands of miles. I have essentially no support group at the moment but looking to join a local group soon and start the good fight again. I've always remained an active member of the church, even thought for about 10 years I didn't take the sacrament, I still went, still paid my tithing. I'm only a teacher. I've never had a patriarchal blessing.

As you read this, bear in mind - I've literally grown up with porn. I'm not a guy who got hooked at 12 or after serving a mission, etc... I've never actually met anyone else like myself, which has caused me a lot of grief. I just wish I could find someone, anyone - with a similar story who can relate in a very real nuts and bolts kind of way.

I was exposed when I was 5, by accident of course, to hardcore pornography.

Yes. 5. I'm well aware that this has probably permanently damaged my brain and development in some kind of way. I've never seen any literature on how this affects someone that young, but I assume it's very bad.

I still remember the images to this day, even the location where it happened. As a kid I would horde JC penny catalogs (remember those big thick ones?) and just look at the lingerie section in my closet. I remember somehow getting a hold of a Fredericks of Hollywood catalog and hiding that one too. I remember the first time I ever saw internet porn. I remember exactly the type of monitor, computer, room, and of course, the images. I was maybe 13 or so when that happened. I remember more about the porn than what my age was at the time. As I got into high school and the web became more available I just got worse. That was probably the most intense period - every night was a late night, 5AM late. It was a daily thing for years. I was very hooked. That's when I started to get help. I was resistant. I didn't want to be labeled an addict - I still don't. I simply struggle with porn.

For a few years I was really trying, but after a while - you just wear out. I've had several periods of trying to fight, then just wearing out and giving in. In some ways I've progressed, in others, regressed. I've progressed in my understanding and have become more aware and accepting that I have a problem, even if I hate the "a word". I've regressed in that for the last few years I've made attempts to live my fantasies - but I've always backed away. Somehow someway I just can't make that leap. I'm grateful I have some kind of boundary I won't cross, but as I get older and the prospects of a fast shrinking dating pool loom I've become more anxious. Anxious to move forward. I want to have a deeply fulfilling emotionally driven sexual intimacy with a person I care for who cares for me as well. I don't want to be that 40 year old never married porn addict who's either still a virgin or completely out of control and sleeping with prostitutes. There really isn't much in between in my experience. You either stay locked up or you break loose and just go nuts... or, you somehow break free.

I want to break free, once and for all.


"Have you checked out Amazing. Free.

Immerse yourself in the gospel and service to others. Immerse yourself in groups.

And then realize that you are a child of God for whom God was willing to die...or sacrifice his only son, whichever way you look at it. You have infinite worth. God loves you so much, despite knowing exactly what you have done. Run to him. He will be so happy to embrace you when you come to him.

God's purpose is to provide for you (according to D&C 104). God's work is to exalt you (according to Moses 1:39). He WILL accomplish his purposes and his work, if you let him be a driving influence in your life. Don't fight him. Surrender to him. Let him do it in his own time and way. You won't be cured tomorrow, but it will happen as you take little steps towards God every day. He will heal you.

You have probably told yourself for decades that because you saw that porn at age five AND you liked it or found it interesting (then or now) that you are dirty, bad, and unloveable. You are tainted goods. Who would want you now.

That is BULL CRAP! That is a shameful lie from Satan. You are an infinitely valuable being. God loves you and accepts you. You are moer than enough. Seeing porn at such a young age was not your fault, and neither was/is liking it. THAT is normal. God built that desire into you (the one to be attracted to naked people...of the opposite sex). You are not bad for this.

Those are some of the things I've learned from Tony Litster and others. Check out the website I gave you.

You are not this addiction. There is so much more to you than that.

posted at 14:55:12 on October 28, 2013 by beclean
You are not alone    
"Your story is not as unique as you might think. I have been going to group for years, and I have heard dozens of people tell their story. Most of us get into porn as young teenagers, but I have met many people who were exposed as young children. In terms of what this does to your brain, it may not matter that much. What matters is that you can and will recover if you take the proper steps.

I can personally relate to a lot of what you said. I started masturbating and looking at porn at a very young age (between 8-10). I have since become deeply addicted. I went on a mission, and almost got married in the temple to my ex, but I have continuously struggled with this addiction.

I am now 26, and I have crossed the lines you mentioned. The end result of that was near excommunication, but now I'm repenting and working my way back into full fellowship in the church. I know what you mean about shrinking dating pools, but I just can't let that hold me back from putting forth my best effort to meet the right one.

Sounds like you've never been to a 12 step meeting. I highly recommend them, especially the SA meetings.

You can go to < > and find a meeting there.

Dig into the program! I have seen it work for myself and for others. Here's a promise from the SA white book for you:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.... ...There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.""
posted at 22:49:13 on October 28, 2013 by ETTE
Just read your other post    
"Looks like you have been to support groups...

Have you tried SA? If not, you should. It's worth it. A lot of people I know go to two groups, an SA group and an LDS PASG."
posted at 22:56:18 on October 28, 2013 by ETTE
Done Groups, private therapy, and Candeo    
"Title says it all. I've done private therapy twice, I was in an unofficial church sponsored SA group. My last major attempt was Candeo. Amazing program IF you have a significant other, a wife in particular. One of the biggest complaints on the forums is about how single guys can't really implement that later stages of the program that basically require you have either a wife or serious girlfriend. They recommend service to others around you, but in my experience, it's not the same thing as someone you're trying to become intimate with. That's what pretty much killed Candeo for me. I've actually tried some really alternative things as well. One was just plain weird. EMDR - look it up. I just couldn't believe that after the first session... too much of leap for me.

One thing I did try that actually did work and made a very lasting impact on me was what I call "scheduling". I suspect this is only recommended to heavy addicts, which I was at the time. You literally setup a schedule to "act out", as in specific day and time period. It shouldn't be open ended (thought thats who I did it....). Anyways, you set the frequency you need and over time you reduce. It's like a patch. You actually do get to a point where gain a strange kind of self awareness - I think because you are actively controlling the addiction. It's hard to explain this until you really do it. I started at 7 days a week, got down to 6,5, 4, 3, 2, and then 1. At 1 day a week, I just didn't seem to be like I was before. Some would argue I had just gotten my fill from so much acting out prior, but I think something more happened. Anyhow, I now can't really act out and "black out" - addicts will know what I mean. I'm no longer in a totally blind grip, I'm wide awake. I know what I"m doing is bad, but I'm out of control. Prior to this, I didn't have that kind of "awake" sensation. It's helped save me many times. I see the orgasm, strange as this may seem, as a kind of escape rip cord. Once I tug on that, I just.... wake up, or in my current state, gain control. It's weird. Only an addict would really understand that abrupt transition."
posted at 00:26:04 on October 29, 2013 by shootingstar
You need to try Tony    
"Based on what you described, I'm going to suggest again that you try Tony Litster. (, but check out first). He has some awesome tools for rebalancing your life, if you give him your full effort and attention. By the way, his full program takes a year, so don't give up early!

He does not require you to have a relationship. He DOES suggest scheduling for some people."
posted at 11:16:10 on October 29, 2013 by beclean

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"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006