Rough day
By they_speak
10/15/2013 1:46:25 AM
(I didn't edit this...but no swears...just a stream of chaotic conciseness. Enjoy...or don't)

Man some triggers, whether self imposed or inadvertent, are so overwhelming. I just got beat up worse than Sunny Liston in 1964 for over 6 hours. Being tempted horrifically and nearly acting on it with a hooker. Horrifically like, miracle I didn’t act on it. Gosh!, it’s never easy to admit. But, I’m just sitting here relieved and somewhat astonished that the feeling FINALLY left me. Simple as that. I was sitting there phone in hand debating on making the dreadful call and, suddenly I realized as genuine and as plain as anything I didn’t want to act out. The feeling was gone. Without acting out. Whaaa? So bazaar I had to write about it.

I prayed. I even told Mr. Devil out loud that though I respected the gift of his perspective on a number of different things I was kindly refusing them. I think that’s rather upsetting to him...uhg never mind I’m creeping myself out. You get the idea. I reminded myself out loud of things via prayer and just kinda self talk that I believed imperative for my sanity. My sobriety of mind. I attempted to call a friend (potential sponsor) in the AA program who knows I struggle a lot more with the babes than with the brew though I didn’t get ahold of him. I meditated. That was helpful but not enough. I listened to this ( ). Also, helpful. Did you know that music activates more parts of the brain than any other activity..? But, not enough. This beast is so powerful when I’m in that place somewhere beyond the event horizon. And yet, here I am.

I read the whole gospel of Thomas - one of the dead sea scroll largely believed by scholars to predate the canonical gospels we have in the bible. Interesting read. All during I could feel the blood leave my core rushing to my extremities (the butterflies) as the fight or flight part of my brain (the sympathetic nervous system) responded to the incessant yet almost imperceptible thoughts of acting out. I only knew those thoughts were there as I read the words of Jesus because of the butterflies. Though they weren’t thoughts of acting out sexually per se. In fact i’m not sure sex itself ever really crossed my mind. Really just the rush of getting into trouble. Getting in deep waters. That’s my addiction. All I had to do was pick up the phone. Those quiet moments of eternal truth when all you can hear is your own breathing... A little thought would briefly cross my mind and bam, rush...silence... as if the angels in heaven are holding their breath to see what I’ll do. I would be so egotistical to think that lol. I digress.

Jesus said, "The kingdom is like a shepherd who had a hundred sheep. One of them, the largest, went astray. He left the ninety-nine sheep and looked for that one until he found it. When he had gone to such trouble, he said to the sheep, 'I care for you more than the ninety-nine.'"

Jesus said, "He who will drink from my mouth will become like me. I myself shall become he, and the things that are hidden will be revealed to him."

David said, “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.”

Are the still waters His words that we drink from his mouth? Paul said (as did Bruce R. McConkie reiterate in his final testimony), “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth”

Great questions I find myself musing on as I sit here in my bed and not in the bed of Delilah. All I know, and not that I’m so naive to forget that this doesn’t always seem to be the case, but all I know is one minute I was looking for every excuse to be tempted above that which I could bare so I could find release from my suffering (what the hell ever my suffering is God knows but it’s there and somehow along the way my brain decided sex could fix it all) and the next minute...I was free. What truth I came to know that made it so for the moment...I’m not quite sure.

At last I just want to remind the me of tomorrow that’s getting beat up by the hoards of hell...Anicca - this too shall pass. And it came to pass that Nephi’s chips were up. And it came to pass that Nephi’s chips were down. And it came that the Nephites chips were up. And it came to pass that the Nephites chips were down. It came to pass. It came to pass. It came to pass. It seems to me that it only comes, to pass. Does it come for the express purpose of passing? Like a river; life/experience pass. And it came to pass that my brothers did rebel against me. Oh tell me another one Nephi. And it came to pass that my brothers did repent. Is this the nature of the world we are to understand and then at last seeing things as they are... let go??? Laman and Lemual, it is said, murmured because they knew not the dealings of God who had created them. Esau!, that growling will pass! Our birthrights do not. Ha!, seeking eternal life in a bowel of food! A quick orgasm! The great and spacious building truly has no foundation. How can you be deceived Cody??? Jesus said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you . For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest." Well, the nature of impermanence sure seems to be right in my sight. Both as proved by my own experience tonight (and everyday) and by Mormons most favored phrase. Yet, without God I am more blind than Samson ever dreamed of being. I’m ranting. Welcome to Mr. MagCodyum’s wonder emporuim...Good night dudes.


"Here's a little back-patting. Way to not give in. It's so wonderful when that temptation passes. w00t!"
posted at 08:56:15 on October 15, 2013 by Anonymous
Joseph Ran    
"Maybe you should run too the next time you feel so bad. When I feel the temptation to act out become overwhelming and I know that nobody is awake to answer my phone calls, I just go for a calming run. When I'm running, the only thing that matters is getting oxygen. I'm not hungry, I'm not tempted, I'm not tired, I just feel the need for air. Running up steep hills and mountains amplifies this effect.

I'm glad you posted on here instead of making that phone call. Here's another pat on the back!"
posted at 12:57:06 on October 15, 2013 by ETTE
"Ya know, I've heard similar sentiments as we all have. I've always believed in the power of exercise and yet, it's never really hit like your post just did. I guess I never took it too serious as it applied to lust because I just kind of camp it in with the whole Mark E. Peterson tie your hands to a bed post advice. But, i'm gonna do that. Regardless of how well it helps with my lust when I'm done running it certainly will work while I'm running and i'll feel great after. And feeling great is better than feeling depressed.

p.s. thanks guys :)"
posted at 09:10:53 on October 16, 2013 by they_speak
"I love reading about your relationship with the scriptures Speak. Just saying...."
posted at 12:08:12 on October 17, 2013 by maddy

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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990