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Vent and a pity party
By maddy
10/7/2013 9:14:11 PM
I had a conversation with my husband tonight where he was telling me that he wanted me to be happy and had always wanted to be happy.

I am really struggling right now. Sometime ago, I had started to taste the sweet and happy parts of forgiveness in my life, but I've hit some big obstacles. I am so very angry. Maybe it is my own version of a relapse. I don't know. But I am so hurt and everything is so raw. My anger overshadows everything.

When he said that to me, about wanting happiness for me, the lie of it made me sick inside.

All I could say to him was, "You know what you are doing. There is no innocent or accidental damage."

I don't think you can have two Masters at the same time. You can love God or you can love the adversary, but you can't love both. It feels the same with a marriage. You can love pornography or you can love your wife, but I don't believe you can love both. Having said that, that means I have never been loved by my husband. Ever.

I feel so deeply alone.

I know. I know. I have my Savior. I know. But something in me screams for a husband. I want to be loved that way too...in a companionship and relationship totally unique from other categories of love. And that is not the love my Savior offers me. His is a perfect love....and BeClean once taught me a lesson about how He is the true Groom and husband to the Church. And I know that I need to wrap my brain around not just the symbolism of that, but the emotions behind it.

But I am at where I am. I feel stuck in the anger. So heck, why not blog about it?!

Maddy

Comments:

I've felt that way, also    
"Because lust kills love."
posted at 01:22:47 on October 8, 2013 by Anonymous
Maddy    
"I wish we could go for a long walk together and chat about all of this. I have felt and still do feel (at times) exactly what you describe. The loneliness and bipolarity of all of this make it feel like this will never end. I use to think I had tons of advice and the more I am in this game, the less advice I have. I think the longer I am seeking my own healing, what I have for other wives and mothers is love, compassion, and a huge dose of empathy. I also have my heart which I use to send prayers to heaven for you and your family.

It is so isolating when addiction hits a family, especially a family who is supposed to be happy. . It is so easy to throw a pity party because you are really dealing with so much. Looking back, denial was easier for me in many ways, but oh well... here I am, and can't unlearn what I now know. We often compare our co-dependent behaviors with the behavior addicts. It is sort of the same, but not really. I don't think I want to control anyone's behavior anymore. I don't think I am trying to keep it all together anymore, but here and there, when I take a moment to think about all of this, I have a sadness that I am unsure will end anytime soon.. With each new slip come the stages of grief all over again. My hubby did amazing for about 2 1/2 years, then the crash that came in June followed by a few slips since then. On the last one, I freaked out less than of all of the times he has slipped. It was small in comparison really, but still painful. He slipped right into despair and thought he had lost me forever. It was this last slip that made me look at myself and ask a few questions 1. Why was I able to give so much grace as he was tempted and overcoming (the times he didn't slip). 2. What happened when I knew he slipped? He was out of town and I had some time to think quietly and I realized that although the slip was hurtful, I could see that I was taking every painful experience related to this addiction and bundling it all together. I had some bad experiences as a teen, and I started realizing that I had that in there as well. I was thinking... I don't want this in my life... Is this all I am worth? How can he love me and do this stuff? I began to see clearly what was happening to me. I was slipping into the sad place again and looking at my whole situation with addicted kids, hubby, and thinking.... I will just do my best to work on me, love my family, and endure. I know in the next life, this will all make sense...Because it sure as heck does not make sense on this side. I often found myself going through the motions of my day, and not feeling any joy. Will this ever stop? Will we ever go on as a couple who has hopes and dreams together. Can we hold the torch for Christ together and be missionaries now and in our later years? And the only answer I could come up with is ...I don't know. Not very encouraging for you am I?

But something started to happen to me. I still have moments of that sadness knowing that my husband may not completely overcome his addiction in this life. My children may not either. But I made a decision that I will stay with him as long as he is in active recovery, a long as he is tryiing. I know some women who will leave if there is even one slip. I can respect that. Only she knows what she can do. I will never judge anyone for their boundaries. I have my boundaries too, but I decided that I don't want him to have the threat of that looming over him. I did not want that to be his motivator. I want him to be motivated by what could be. Fear and shame never motivated me, so I don’t want to do that to him. I know this man. I know he does not want this. I know he loves me very much and wants the same awesome life I want. I know that he keeps picking himself up, dusting off the dirt and trying all over again. I want mercy and grace from the Lord so badly, but much of the time I have not been willing to give it? He already has it from the Lord, but through most of this, I can't say he had it from me. I don't know if I am even making sense. I just know that this situation seems impossible to me unless I am turning it all back to the Savior. It is hard to hope for my husband’s complete recovery, but I can keep Jesus in my heart and ask him to lift me up when I find myself where you are now. He lifts me every time. I don’t have to do anything special; he just helps me because he knows that I have little strength to help myself. That's how cool my Savior is! I keep working on myself while always knowing that I need Him every hour of every day. I often look to the Heavens and whisper, “please show me the way”. It is usually something very small and simple, but he gives me what I need that day to keep me going. I pray that you will have the strength as he lifts you. I pray that you will endure this latest hardship. I wish I had a magic ball and could tell you what you want to hear. I know miracles are happening. I don’t know if there are any changes going on in the hearts of your addicted loved ones, but I do know there are miracles happening inside of you, and the pain your feel is part of that miracle. It is teaching you something, and I am confident that you will rise above this challenge, just as you have all of the others before. You are stronger than you think and I pray for you to find rest tonight as you lay down to sleep. That you will feel enough of the Savior’s love to hold you over as long as needed to make it through this hard moment in time. You can't do this wrong as long as your heart keeps looking to the heavens.

Hold on tight and know that you are never alone and that you are always loved."
posted at 01:53:13 on October 8, 2013 by angelmom
Oh what a challenge    
"Maddy, I'm always heartbroken to hear that you are hurting. You are always so strong for the rest of us.

But we don't expect you to be perfect, so it's good that you can be real with us and show up when you are hurting, too. We love you either way.

I'm thinking about what you said. Does that mean if I ever do something selfish that hurts my children I must not truly love them? Or is it possible to love someone and act selfishly at the same time? Do I have to think only of the other person in order to love them?

I suspect your husband loves and cares for you, Maddy, and wants you to be happy.

He's also selfish. So am I. I hope that doesn't mean I don't love others, just because I hurt them on rare occasion.

It's also possible your husband currently feels subconsciously he truly doesn't deserve you or your love (because of his dirty past and because of how much he's hurt you), so he regularly acts out in order to sabotage the relationship. I think I did that in the past. I had to learn (From Tony's affirmations) that I have value. Only after I learned to love myself could I love my wife more and accept the love she offers me.

Just some thoughts."
posted at 08:02:27 on October 8, 2013 by beclean
Ditto, Maddy    
"You are so eloquent and so correct. It is truly a frustrating situation to be in. I have longed for the connection that an honest and truly considerate relationship should be. Over all of my years of marriage, I have put on the good show of being a supportive wife, but underneath it all, I have known that my husband can't be trusted by me. A strong and true connection has never been made, even after decades of being married. I am no longer angry though, I am empty. I have been reading a book by Bren'e Brown called, "Daring Greatly." I haven't gotten very far, but in chapter 2 she talks about betrayal and how trust can be eroded. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how to deal with the betrayals of my husband, that now I have reached a point of betrayal myself...she calls it the betrayal of disengagement. That's where I am...past the anger and to the point that it doesn't matter what he does anymore. It's a scary place to be. But I've ended up here because he continues the behaviors that he knows he shouldn't be participating in. He has gotten better at hiding the images he collects, but I have found them throughout my house, again.

I think there is still hope for you and your husband, in my opinion, because you are angry. Anger means that you still care. And so, I hope that you can find a way to resolve the anger and that he will do his part (with greater success than my husband has) to help you and heal your broken heart. I think that so much of this is up to him.

I used to think that my attitude was up to me, but when your spouse continues to behave inappropriately, your attitude cannot help but be affected by him. I was watching Dr. Phil recently and he said something to the effect of, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Not sure if I wrote this correctly, but it rang true to me. I know that people can change, but they really have to want to put in the effort. My guy isn't very good at change. Maybe he's too old, too tired or he doesn't care either. I came home after a year's separation. I believe that I have made the necessary changes to put our family back together. I'm not perfect, but I know that I have tried. I did what my husband, my family and my bishop had hoped for. My husband has not lived up to his end of the relationship. So now I live in a state if disengagement. I am "safe" at home with my children unaware that their father has a problem. I continue to keep his secret to myself and I turn to this site for insight into how to deal with my crazy life. It's so far from the life I had hoped I would be living. I do have my testimony and my faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior that I am loved. I, too, long for "a companionship and relationship totally unique from other categories of love. " They say this life is but a moment in eternity. Hoping the next "moment" will be better than this."
posted at 16:00:38 on October 8, 2013 by Wishful
That's rough dude    
"I feel like I have so much to say and nothing to say at all :/

When I was first married my bishop ru-u-uled so hard. He was awesome. He had a saying: "No story. No suffering. No kidding." He was always counseling me to check the stories I was telling myself to see how they served me. He believed if I found myself suffering that there was a story behind it that I was telling myself that was responsible for my suffering. For example he had me write down a journal entry about something (I don't remember what) and then the following week he had me read it to him. In it I said something to the effect of "ever since I was a child all I'd ever wanted was to be a 'good boy'...but I just couldn't seem to do it." I was crying and to my amazement he was laughing. He apologized and said he understood that this was very serious to me but to listen to it was kind of amusing. He then asked me a series of questions. Like "tell me something you've done bad?" I'd comply. He'd then say "Tell me something you've done good?" After some struggle I'd muster up something. He'd then ask "So are you a 'good boy'? Or a 'bad boy'?" At this point my mind was just about twisted in a pretzel because I couldn't believe some one was actually smart enough to convince me with logic that my story about myself was bull shit. I had proof I was bad! It's in the scriptures! I could prove it! Well...he was a wonderful bishop. He then said "Name me a 'bad boy'?" Oh man, now my brain was racked because by now I knew it was a trick question. I stopped briefly at Ted Bundy. No. Hitler? No. Ah-ha!, I got you bishop "Cain!". He smiled and said "No. I submit to you that Cain, was in fact a 'good boy'. He made some very poor decisions." My jaw probably needed to be pried off the floor with a crowbar. He said "Okay, name me a 'bad boy'?" I thought well hell who else I got "Satan?". And to my utter bewilderment he smiled again and said "No. Even Lucifer was a 'good boy'. He made terrible decisions." He went on to explain that as a son of God it is impossible to be something inherently bad. God doesn't make rubbish. He can't. We could only make "bad" decisions. But nothing could change what we were. He believed that as we come to truly understand that story we naturally begin to make different, good, choices. But understanding who we are must come first.

Now, my point is not that as a son of God Satan was actually good. Believe what you want. My point in relaying that event is that it taught me the value and impact of the stories we tell ourselves and how easily we can be duped by our own thinking. I literally at that time believed I could prove with scripture that I was a son of a bitch. My bishop owned that and almost...almost convinced me I'm a son of God :)

Beclean asked questions concerning your story just like my bishop did mine. I urge you to really consider them. Then I would add how does what you are telling yourself serve you? Not your husband. Not your kids. Not even God. How does it serve or dis-serve you? I love you Maddy. Take that story to the bank player."
posted at 20:42:08 on October 8, 2013 by they_speak
By the way    
"I know what it's like to feel forsaken and alone. Even in holy matrimony. It's an awful and lonely hell. I'm so sorry."
posted at 20:55:01 on October 8, 2013 by they_speak
Missing the point guys!    
"Seriously guys! Did you not read the title?!?!? This is a pity party! Stop being all helpful and stuff and let me be miserable!!! You're getting in the way of my wallowing in despair and that is just plain rude! LOL!

Rude or not though, you've given me stuff to chew on other than the same bitterness that I've been drowning in for the past several weeks.

This is part of what I think....

I think I am totally trapped in the limbic parts of my brain. The most primal and instinctual reactions seem to dominate my emotions. Everything is fight or flight for me. The anger I feel is my FIGHT response. The desire for divorce or separation is obviously the FLIGHT. I feel threatened. I feel unsafe. So I respond with the most base and basic reactions.

I think this is what the 'natural man' is, that is such an enemy to God.

What I want and who I want to be is the person who uses the higher thinking parts of my brain. I want to be able to move beyond the animal inside me and into someone calm, gentle, deliberate, and non-reactionary. The problem with being reactionary to everything is you are always following after a stimulus; never creating for yourself. I want to be a creator.

Angel, you talked about bundling the issues...ya, that is me. I am in a landslide of negativity right now. I am careening out of control. (I'll give you an example: My hurt over my husbands addictions has become tied to bad experiences with Bishops in the past, which is dredging up anger there to the point that I am resenting my church leaders and not wanting to go to Church at all anymore, and I am fault finding everywhere which is making me doubt my testimony all together! It is such a slippery slope.)

Clean - I was always taught that love was putting someone else above yourself. Love is inherently linked to sacrifice. It truly is giving. It is charity. I don't think that hate is the opposite of love...I think selfishness is the opposite of love. Hate is just an effect of the mother monster of selfishness. I don't know if we can say we love someone and still act selfishly. It doesn't make sense to me that we could. But if you follow that thinking then we don't love anyone because we all sin and all are selfish sometimes. So do we all just love periodically? Maybe this whole life is nothing more than learning to love because we do it so poorly. But like I've said, I am not thinking very clearly right now. I want to be mad and negative so what do I know? I try hard to not believe a lot of what I think. I get in trouble when I take myself too seriously.

Speak - I know what you're saying about the stories we tell ourselves is true. Your Bishop might be my therapist for all I know because they sound the same. Doesn't Tony Lister talk about the same stuff? About our stories? I want to create a happy story, despite all my whining. Maybe that is the first step to being a creator that I mentioned before. Creating something beautiful in my own mind. Telling myself a Godly story about my own life.

Or to be more accurate, it is probably learning to let go, and let Christ create something beautiful in my mind. Maybe after a couple million years of watching Him work in my life and showing me the real story, I might, just might, be able to create something for myself.

Ok, I am way too tired and am rambling now, so I refuse to be held accountable for anything I say here!

But last but in NO WAY least I have to say to Wishful...my sweet sister....if there is one thing I fear, it is apathy. FWIW I can say this: I have very little in common with my Savior. But Isaiah 53:3 says that he was a "man of sorrows, acquainted with grief..." I can claim that I am acquainted to grief and sorrow. That we have in common. And instead of filling me with despair, that thought actually gives me hope. I feel a sense of empathy coming from my Savior when I read that scripture, like He is telling me He gets me and understands. It helps me feel like we are walking together in this (painful) journey. I don't have much hope to offer other than that. But at least in that, I am with my Savior. I think if I let Him, then those sorrows can be the gateway to being like Him in other ways too.

But to all of you....thank you for hearing my hurt. Venting can be bad, because it can make the bad feelings stronger. But sometimes it is good. I feel a bit better and a bit more prepared to knock it off and start working again. Thank you for helping me."
posted at 22:37:16 on October 8, 2013 by maddy
take as long as you need    
"While you're trying to keep Satan from winning the battle to destroy your life and family, go read your past posts on this site, Maddy, and pretend someone else is writing them to you. No one says it better than you."
posted at 00:39:48 on October 9, 2013 by beclean


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"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006