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Fighting with Wife
By R_Matt
9/13/2013 6:57:14 AM
Last couple of nights when I come Home from work, I start arguing with my wife and we go to sleep fighting...she knows where to really hurt me. I know my 40+ days of sobriety is bringing out the Husband she doesn't like: sensitive and easily angered....the dry Drunk! But darkness from her is not helping me on the path of sobriety. I considered acting out last night in order to go back to the old.. luckily went sleep listening to the Mormon Channel instead. I think of families (3 to be exact) that broke up after the kids grew up (my wifes parents being one of them) cant help but see us going in the same direction. Sorry for the depressing blog and yes she does need some support to deal will me being an addict and help her with her compulsions ~~ but should I really have to put up with her trying to hedge up my way?

Comments:

Vent    
"This is a good place to vent RMatt....
Well, it should be, anyway. Sometimes we are judgey and messed up, but vent on anyway, my friend!
I am a wife and so my heart goes out to your wife. I see things from what is going on inside her head and heart.
But I am also an addict and so I get what you are saying too. My addiction is codependency, but at it's core, we are all the same. So the solutions for you, are the same as the solutions for me. Submitting to our Savior. Selfless service. Immersing ourselves in truth. Ya, all that stuff that I just don't want to do....the hard road....the one less traveled....that is our destination. Keep at it brother. You'll find your way. It is ok to complain. And it is better that you complain here than to complain to her. Get it out of your system and go back stronger and gentler if that is what works for you.
Just remember to be gentle with her broken heart. She's going to be a mess for a long time. Maybe for the rest of her life. But aren't we all? Charity is the key. Charity for yourself and charity for her. You can do this."
posted at 07:40:23 on September 13, 2013 by Maddy
Recovery for wives    
"One very important thing for addicts to remember is that the wife's recovery is almost always a few months behind the addict's recovery by nature of how we conceal and reveal it. Also that a wife's recovery is just as long and hard as an addict's recovery, probably longer and harder. Think of how many times we relapse into our addiction and our despair, our significant others will have similar relapses into anger, depression, sadness, fear, etc as they seek to deal with the trauma we have caused them. We have no way of understanding how deep and on how many levels we have hurt our loved ones. It's so much more complicated than I ever thought it would be. She's not trying to hedge up your way, she's trying to deal with her emotions, and yeah, we do have to put up with that. We caused it! Part of making restitution is restoring trust, honor, love, confidence, and peace that was lost. It's going to take a while.

Your wife needs to reach out to others. If she doesn't have a group she attends, or a counselor she's seeing, she needs one. Most (if not all) women don't know how to deal with the hurt and harm they have incurred because of us, and need help. Acknowledge and validate your wife's hurt feelings and do what you can to support her, but also encourage her to reach out to others where she can find advice and support that she needs. Just as addicts can't get out of addiction alone, neither can wives.

Good luck man. It's a hard road - I want to get bitter and upset etc whenever my wife gets angry at me or seems to blow up at me for no reason, and sometimes I do and I need to cool off. And when I think about it, there is always a reason - it's because I broke vows and betrayed trust. It's a frustrating thing and takes a lot of patience. But like Maddy said, be gentle with her broken heart. Don't concede yet. Put more effort into it, it's worth it."
posted at 11:04:33 on September 13, 2013 by recovery.gdo
Wow    
"R.GDO,

That was brilliant! Dang! I loved reading that. I think I'm going to read it again just for fun."
posted at 21:52:52 on September 13, 2013 by maddy
Ditto    
"As the wife of an addict, I second the comments that have been shared. RGDO said it so well. I have no idea how long recovery takes. I've been dealing with this for decades and some of my compulsions have caused damage to my marriage as well. Such a hard path to travel. Patience and compassion are what's pulling me through. I hope you and your wife can find your way through the muck too."
posted at 15:29:19 on September 14, 2013 by Anonymous
My husband is teaching me so much    
"It is so frustrating when you have emotional distance between you. My husband told me that not feeling close to me is the hardest thing for him. It wasn't really about sex, it was about connection. A few years ago he came to a realization of what his addiction was doing to my heart. He also came to a realization of what his addiction cost in in terms of years lost and broken dreams, not only with me but with our children. It was at that time when he surrendered all to the Lord and to me. That was the beginning of a mighty change in his heart and mine too. He apologized for everything and has spent darn near every day in his recovery plan. He told me that I was going to be first. No more selfishness, no more blaming. And with the exception of a hiccup here and there, he has held true to that humble position.

I was not in the same place he was in and it took me a long time to accept him back into my heart. I had a lot of anger, shame, and pain to work through and when I would melt down, he just held me, served me, and loved me. I can't imagine how hard that was for him. I was not always nice. In fact I was very mean at times. But what is resulting from his sacrifice and love for God, me, and his kids is something I still tear up over when I think about. He said that he took 23 years away from me and that he will spend the next 23 years loving me the way he should have from the beginning. He wanted to show me what a real man of God is like. And Nearly every day since that October day 3 years ago he has thanked me for staying with him.

Because of his humility, I am more humble towards him. And because of some recent changes in our lives, I have gained a gratitude for him on a whole new level. Often when men come out of the closet and begin the recovery process, women go into the closet and isolate themselves because for many of us, the life we thought we had is not what we have now. We are having to keep a secret we didn't create. We no longer feel like we fit in in the church. We feel alone because this is not something we were told to expect in our marriage.

Please understand that I am not attacking you. Your addiction is a battle in and of itself that I cannot begin to imagine. I hurt for everyone who has to go through this. It is awful. Might I suggest getting a videotape titled, Helping Her Heal by Dr. Douglass Weiss? If you really want to understand what your wife is feeling and what your addiction has done to her, this Video will explains it perfectly.

Lastly, your wife must be in recovery. I don't know where she is in this process. But often in the beginning she will feel like she is the only one. Have her visit www.healingthroughchrist.org. She can download the manual and connect with the people who authored this website. If she needs an anonymous friend and someone who understands, I have set up an untraceable hushmail address and I would love to be a support to her. I have many resources to help her get started. just let me know and I will put the address up on the site. I really hate all that has happened and the hell we have endured, but my love and understanding for my husband and all who are addicted has increased more than I can express. Our relationship is deeper and more loving than I ever knew possible. Our Savior loves it when we turn to him and bring him into our marriage and family. I really believe that finding healing through recovery is one of the best ways to get there. "
posted at 16:44:11 on September 15, 2013 by angelmom
Story    
"Oh Angel....I think if I would come and read your story everyday then maybe I wouldn't be so blue all the time. It gives me hope that I keep forgetting.

I got that video by Dr Weiss and wanted to watch it with my husband. He got so angry with me that I did that. I watched it alone and it was so spot on. The fact that I bought it put a huge rift between my husband and I that he still wont talk about with me. It makes me so sad, because I think that Dr Weiss really does understand what my heart is craving for from my husband. Sigh...."
posted at 12:19:07 on September 16, 2013 by Maddy
Healing hearts    
"I am greatly uplifted and encouraged by the things said here. Most importantly I'm humbled by the challenges my wife is going through and feel I need to serve her."
posted at 05:32:43 on September 17, 2013 by R_Matt
I am having the same struggle    
"While the days of sobriety are different, I've only been sober for about 10, I am having similar challenges feeling like the arguing is increasing in our family. Being the source of contention. I am in the middle of trying to switch careers, provide for a family of five and not feeling very sucessful at it. Add to that my body is not working the way that it is supposed to and I am recognizing my weakness. Maybe all of this is supposed to be brining me to my knees before God to be humble and repent and change. I thought though that I had done that, that we were behind or beyond that . . . I guess that is where being honest about being and addict is important. that I will struggle for the rest of my life. That while I can turn my life over to God somethings will always be there no matter how much I want them to change. I think for me I have always wanted a whole body, one that could run and provide for my family. In this way I have been ripe for the Adversary to think that if only my body were different I would be happier etc. Just prime pickings for the porn industry. I think what is a challenge for me sounds like you are having the same difficulty, you string together some days of sobriety, only to be challenged in your sobriety all the more. I wish I had an answer, because i know I certainly need it. Something I have tried to do is to surround myself with good music and turn off an negativity, I am a political junkie so I have had to turn away from news etc a trigger for making me feel uncomfortable or unhappy which then leads to other feelings which lead to acting out. I am realizing how much this is a super big chess match, that really each move has to be turned over to the Savior in order to win, because otherwise Satan will outsmart us when we are on our own and left to our own devices. Best wishes"
posted at 19:52:15 on November 11, 2013 by sjanderson


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004