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How does the mind block out the pain...?
By ichooselife
8/21/2013 3:42:27 AM
I looked at porn again. I am not a heavy user, and I am trying to stop this before I get there. I have spent a lot of time away from my wife because of the military lifestyle, and unfortunately I have broken her heart many times over when I have told her that I am struggling. I want to talk to someone about it and really get a handle on it before it goes out of control. Heck I already feel out of control, and I feel like the man I want to be is just slipping away from me, and I have an amazing wife and 2 beautiful little girls that I want to trust me and believe in me. I feel so distraught right now. I wish that I could talk to a bishop right now. but it is 2:30 in the morning, and I am having trouble sleeping because the images are stuck in my head, and when I close my eyes I see the filth and I get sick to my stomach with guilt and shame. This year alone I have been away from my family about 5 months. And most of that time I was alone, with my ipad or computer. I felt like I was doing pretty well for only looking a handful of times. But tonight I looked again, and I feel like now I will never fall asleep. Is someone else out there that can help. I really need someone to help me calm down. I feel like I just cheated on my wife. That I totally betrayed her for whores on a computer screen, and for what? Cheap self-demeaning pleasure that did just the opposite, it made me feel worse. Why can't I just feel the after affect of guilt whenever I see a pornographic image or have even a bad thought.

Comments:

Dude,..    
"Calm down :)

Personally, I've gained a healthy distrust of my feelings in moments like these. My silly brain will tell me all kinds of non-sense and in the past because of the hyper emotion and lack of experience I'd believe it. You can choose to calm down. You haven't cheated on your wife. Trust me. I've cheated on my wife. Steady your mind by letting go. It's funny God tells us to lean not unto our own understanding but then somehow we find our own understanding of the gospel and morality exempt from that counsel. I used to hold to my "own understanding" of those things like, it was the gospel truth. It helps me to let go of my own understanding of sin, and morality, and the gospel, and life in general. To be still. Breathing helps. Good luck."
posted at 04:22:28 on August 21, 2013 by they_speak
I was raised with a very dramatic mother...    
"What can I say. I grew up with a father addicted to pornography and always being told by my mom that it was the end of the world and that looking at it makes someone a cheater, and a whole lot of other things that I wont repeat. I appreciate the kind words. Now how do I get to sleep I feel like complete crud and that there really isn't anything that I can do to change it."
posted at 04:27:23 on August 21, 2013 by ichooselife
i guess we can all be dramatic in our own ways    
"But, I'd probably shelf her understanding of this for awhile too.

Maybe sleep is blessing you've forfeited my friend :). I don't know. I sure hate that feeling of closing my eyes and seeing the hell I've viewed burned into the back of my eye lids. Sucks. I always feel hot and dry and dark and empty. I feel for you man. But God still digs you even if you've screwed yourself out of sleep and feeling uncrudy. Sometimes, I just try to experience it gracefully. Rather than resisting it."
posted at 04:38:35 on August 21, 2013 by they_speak
i guess we can all be dramatic in our own ways    
"But, I'd probably shelf [Kickits] understanding of this for awhile too...unless you enjoy fruitless misery. Pointless guilt.

P.s. I'm not telling you this isn't serious. I think, spiritually, pornography is more destructive than adultery. In fact I know it is. For me at least. Does that sound like minimizing the sin? But, in practical terms, and because I think bare bones reality is essential for an addict caught in emotional whirl wind, there is absolutely no reason to tell yourself you cheated on your wife. Because the reality is that in actuality, you haven't. And thank God you haven't. Trust me. I have."
posted at 06:49:01 on August 21, 2013 by they_speak


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006