bad day.
By daisy
8/10/2013 8:13:56 PM
I just found out that a friend from high school committed suicide, and I've been in shock....

and then I slipped. Why? why? why? why?

What do I do now? Do I have to tell my bishop? I was almost a month in. Do I have to wait even longer to go to the temple? is all the work I've put in forgotten now? I've been doing so good.... and now its like it didn't even happen. I want to go back to the temple... i just don't know where I am supposed to go from here.....somebody please help. please tell me what I should do......i want to go back to the temple...i want to do baptisms for the dead and I want to feel the peace in the temple. I need to.....


who you are    
I feel a sense of desperation in your voice. I wish I could help you feel some comfort and see things from a big perspective. What I hear in your words is self-castigation, self-punishment, self-loathing - in other words shame. Remember, you are not the behavior you do. You made a mistake but you are a child of God - an infinite being - with many talents and gifts - and you are loved by many - you are accepted as you are - and Christ sees you as His equal - He patiently waits for you to turn to Him. You cannot do this on your own. You have to rely on Him. By all means, go see your bishop as many times as you think is necessary. Don't let Satan allow you to fear meeting with him. Nobody gets out of this without slipping. It's expected. Reassess, confess, learn from it - make changes as needed - and keep moving forward. You'll make it. Have hope. Have faith. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Have compassion on yourself."
posted at 21:10:28 on August 10, 2013 by hopeful1
"You slipped because that is the way you deal with stress. It's the way you have taught yourself to cope when life gets rough. Of course your going to slip when something so terrible happens! That's almost to be expected, considering your history! As hopeful1 said, don't shame yourself. YOU are not bad. You were just looking for a release, a lift from the terrible feelings you were having. That's normal!!!

You need to learn some different habits for coping with life and stress, that's all. You need to take care of yourself, so you don't cause your body to crave things, like sugar, caffeine, sleep, etc. All this adds stress and make it harder to avoid acting out.

Don't freak out. So you're not perfect. No one is. So you need Jesus and can't do it alone. That's normal!!! He has already taken the punishment for you. Don't punish yourself. Love yourself. He does!! He died for YOU! He doesn't want you to punish yourself, too!

Now, go focus on something else, not this. Tell God you aren't going to worry about this. Let him worry about it. You go do what HE wants you to do, and let him fight this battle and these feelings for you."
posted at 04:08:31 on August 11, 2013 by beclean
by the way    
"I know some people think masturbation is as bad as breaking the law of chastity in any other way. Some people think it's close to murder. That's just not true.

Others think it's not wrong at all. That's not true either.

The truth is it's wrong because it makes you feel so bad. God doesn't want you to feel so depressed, sad, angry, and shameful. He wants you to be happy and confident.

So, he warns us to stay away from masturbation because it destroys our confidence and happiness. That's all. It's not much worse than that.

Go find a way to serve someone, and move on with life. May God bless you. You are a good person for wanting to change and follow Him."
posted at 04:14:22 on August 11, 2013 by beclean
BeClean has it right    
"It's the way you (and I and everyone here) deal with stress. That's why I keep on emphasizing the LDS 12 Step Program, because it teaches you how to "let go and let God", it teaches you how to turn to the Lord to heal your pain and anxiety, and to fill your voids, rather than self-medicating. That's all you're doing is self-medicating, but it's self-destructive. Stop that! (as Elder Uchtdorf would say : ) ).

I will say again that you probably won't be able to do this on your own. Either find a women's sexual addiction support group, or go to a general addiction group (both brothers and sisters). Keep a "Success Journal" of all the days you do go without slipping. And keep the journal contextual, so on days you do slip, you'll know the cause of it.

I am exceedingly sorry for the loss of your friend. I remember experiencing the same thing several times in my life, and the last time, it was just as if someone had kicked my in the stomach, hard. So I sympathize with you greatly. But please don't let this or anything else derail you.

I would mention this to the bishop, and do let him know what caused you to slip. Pray that the Lord will help you to find comfort in Him through the atoning power of his sacrifice. That's what it's for, to heal us.

There are people who will try to convince you that this is psychobabble, etc. Yet none of the General Authorities have said so. In fact, they read the experience of one couple (the husband had a porn/mb addiction) and their journey of healing. One thing the man (who has since been clean and pure for years) said is that he never could have gotten better if he hadn't understood the roots of his addiction. Not psychobabble, but science and truth. And it's on the website, by the way. Please check out that website and read some of the stories and watch the videos of recovering sex addicts.

You're a very good, sensitive person who loves the Lord. You've had some challenges and afflictions in your life that have caused you to seek refuge in the isolation and secrecy of addiction.

One successfully recovered porn addict that I know (and I know more than several) said that the change for him came when he just turned it all over to the Lord. I'm not certain of the mechanics of this, but he prayed and told the Lord that he himself was powerless over his addiction, that much I know. And he asked the Lord to take away the desire to act out on his addiction, but I don't know the exact words he used. Anyway, it worked and he's been clean ever since. That's more than two years.

My triggers are pain, dread, fear, anxiety, anger, and anguish. I saw a totally lying documentary on the Viet Nam war, and it made me so furious that it took me three days of white knuckling as hard as I could to not MB. Other times, painful memories cause me to panic and I act out to soothe those pains. Etc. And though I don't look at porn, I'm no different than those who do, because they turn to porn to soothe their pains or to calm their anger. And some turn to drugs and alcohol, or even gambling, and I'm no different than them.

What we all have to do is break the cycle of self medication. Priesthood blessings can be a source of strength and guidance. But we have to do some of the work ourselves in most cases. Please don't get down on yourself. I can tell that you're a deeply sensitive, good person who cares about the feelings of others and you love the Lord very much. He's on your side. I have prayed for you and others (four cases of cancer in my ward, and a child of very good friends that is experiencing severe health problems, plus my sister's pending divorce, I've got a lot on my plate now, a lot of people to pray for, and you are one of them).

I like BeClean's exhortation to find a way to serve someone, do some meaningful thing, just something little, to make someone's day a little lighter and a little brighter. And move on with life. Go to some young adult activities and socialize with good people.

You'll overcome this."
posted at 16:49:41 on August 12, 2013 by dog
well said, Dog    
posted at 17:27:32 on August 12, 2013 by beclean
Your month of success DID happen    
"Daisy, i am sorry i missed your comment until now. A few days have passes so your emotions and perceptions may have changed. If they have not, then these comments are intended as if they were immediate ' first aid' following your posting. BECLEAN is correct about the stress. One of the reasons sex quickly becomes our "drug of choice" is because it is SO effective. it works. It does make us feel better. It does reduce stress. i have found that spending a lot of time on "why" is not particularly helpful. On the other hand, a strategy to deal with stress in other ways is helpful. And it is very likely that the strategies that gave you success for a month are still valid. These strategies DID work. Your effort DID happen, and it is not forgotten by your strengthened soul. Every struggle lends strength, imperceptibly. to you. The goal is less TO AVOID, than it is TO STRENGTHEN. Your success is a stronger DAISY. However long you avoid is but a manifestation of that strength. That you turned to MB in a moment of unusual stress (the suicide of a friend is certainly that!) does not mean your efforts were not worth it. Indeed they were marvelous and impressive!. It is even likely, as you look at it calmly, that your slip is just another learning that allows you to assess and alter or amend or enhance your strategy for further strength.
There is nothing that grows in the universe, or in science, or business, or weather that does not progress by ups and down< by cycles. But even in these ups and down, abstinence and slips, there is progress directional progress. You are making GREAT progress. You are your strength, not you slips. And a slip,even many slips, even a binge, does not define who you are. Your month of success DID happen.
Remember the analogy to my grandson learning to walk. His effort to walk is what gives him progress. His falls, his slips, mean nothing. Sometimes they are even a resting point for the struggle that attempted walking is for him. And when he falls, we smile proudly and we pick him up. We know he will succeed, because with continued effort, everyone learns to walk. Your efforts mean everything. Your slip means nothing. As for what to do, you can mention it in passing to your bishop if you have regular visits. It will not shock or surprise him. He, like me with my grandson, will stand you back on your feet. He will express his love and confidence in you, and encourage your efforts. He will be proud of you, not disappointed.
Consider this a proud pick up."
posted at 01:16:10 on August 14, 2013 by PickMeUp
thanks you guys    
"i went and talked to my bishop the next day and he was so loving. i cried and he cried and it was so worth it. he was so wonderful and understanding and i needed that. last time we talked he didnt seem to understand completely. but this time was different. im doing really well. i am focusing on my life as it is. counting my blessings and looking at the good in my life. im so not better (obviously its not something i am rid of) but i feel like im not white knuckling as much as i had been."
posted at 01:39:45 on August 20, 2013 by daisy
that is a wonderful story!    
"Thank you for sharing your experience with your bishop. I'm so happy he was loving and Christlike. I'm also glad you don't assume that is the end to your troubles. That's always a dangerous assumption to make. Life is full of troubles. Time to learn to deal with them in helpful ways."
posted at 02:43:41 on August 20, 2013 by beclean
Keep it up!    
"Thank you for sharing this!! I have been wondering the same things! It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggle! You are such a great example of strength! Keep it up! :):)"
posted at 20:41:40 on August 20, 2013 by Trying

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987