Trusting my Spouse again...
By chelle30
8/10/2013 12:11:22 AM
Been through 2marriages n both have had problems w/ mb and porn. I been beat down n there two diff men spiritualky i try not to compare my first to my second . But he lied as well anout a lote how do u ever gain trust back n can u? After being lied to over n over . Now im always thinking when he says he loves or is being overly nice hes been doing smthg wrong. I feel a diff. Spirit around him now a better one since hes been going through repentence but smtimes i just dont know anymore. I left him 6 months ago got divorce papers signed then we got back togetherand now im pregnant w his first my 3rd. Im happy but really didnt want this till thgs were not so rocky because we just got back together smtimes i find my self wishing i hadnt come back for fear im goung to go through this all over again. Its really hard to trust him. Im doing my best but i hate living like this. How do i know n feel like theres peace when im back n fourth. Trusting him/ not trusting him constantly. Now i just feel like im accudding him in my mind n maybe hes really not doing anythg. Ive been so manipulated for yrs by husbands n now i can see the difference when im not being. Sad really just want peace but to afraid to feel it because of smthg bad happening to me again n again. :(::::


That really sucks.    
"Sorry you have to go through this."
posted at 16:58:31 on August 10, 2013 by Anonymous
"I won't pretend to be able to understand things from the wife's perspective. But I try to appreciate how much it hurts. I recently read a book (Daring Greatly) where she teaches that women's self-esteem is closely related to their looks and appearance - and when the husband acts out with porn and masturbation it is a direct blow to the woman's self-esteem. From the man's point of view, he is selfishly and habitually looking for a way to escape the possibility of rejection. It's fear that pushes him to act out. Read a recent post I wrote about Daring Greatly to learn more about this. Anyway, I'm on my second marriage. I'm the recovering porn addict. My wife, a very loving and patient and forgiving woman, is also on her second marriage. Her previous husband is a sex addict to porn and more offensive behaviors. I've slipped a couple of times in the marriage and when I've spoken to her about it you thought the world was going to end. I think it stirs up a lot of painful memories from the past. I am not her ex-husband though. I am repentant and I want to get better. I think the temptation for you and my wife is to withdraw or run away - to escape the pain - but what I need more than anything is for her to draw closer to me - to open up more - to share more - and to help me feel more loved and accepted and to help me have confidence that I won't be rejected - it's so risky for the man and the woman. My advice to you is don't give up. Don't run away. It sounds like he's trying. It would be good if you got counseling as well as him from a trained professional in porn addiction. It can really help. If he was unrepentant and not even trying to stop - I would say leave him - but otherwise hang in there. He may slip again - but you may find that in 5 years from now your relationship will be stronger and sweeter than you could have imagined. I hope that helps. Trust comes with time. But you can still love and forgive. Think of Jesus speaking to the adulteress - not condemning her - telling to go and sin no more - and speaking to the woman at the well who had something like 5 husbands and was living with a man who was not her husband - but he didn't condemn her either. It's not easy - but your strength to do this will come from Christ. Turn to Him. Let us know how you are doing please."
posted at 21:26:10 on August 10, 2013 by hopeful1
good thoughts    
"Trust comes with honesty. Healing comes with honesty. Love comes with honesty. Recovery cones with honesty.

For your sake and his, your husband must be honest with you whenever he struggles. You have ever right to be upset if he hides or is dishonest. Those actions will destroy your marriage.

However, if he's honest, you should be grateful that he's honest, and show your gratitude that he's not a dishonest husband. If that's hard for you, that's normal. Get some help from people who've been there. Get counseling.

Your husband is more likely to be honest if being honest has good results. He won't be, if it backfires."
posted at 03:59:48 on August 11, 2013 by beclean
Thank you    
"To : Hopeful 1: I sound a lot like ur wife n u sound a lot like my second husband. We should all have a therapy session :).What u daid helped a lot. Fear comes into play a lot for me . I cant ask him all the time if hes being good. I feel like sometimes thats the only time hes going to be honest. As for him hes gotten the ( worlds going to end to thg) I ve tried to be more loving now n understanding. I want him to. Be honest but I dont wanna have to ask either. Hes hurt me really bad n even worse because ive already been thru it n he knew that. We almost divorced id givr n him chance after chance. I feel like as he does thats what god knew it would take a kick in the butt n a good one. We talk about it often how we know god put us through this for a reason. He says hes not looked at porn since weve been back together almost 6 months hes ha some slip ups w the (M) thg. Which I had found out he thought was normal most of his life. He came from a very diff family life. They became inactive when he was 12 but he was not told thgs were wrong to do. He became worldy at about 16 till about 29 drugs drinking porn . His wife was a wild one. But he finally about 6 months after divorce found god again came back to church stopped drinking smoking n drugs cold turkey. But still couldnt stop the rest. I didnt know . We met at YSA n he had such a strong will to do what was right I yhought. Not knowing I was being lied toat the time . We got married very quickky . Found out about. 4 months into our marriage smthg wasnt right. W e got pregnant. Then lost the baby at 12 weeks n right after I found the porn. I recall mysrlf flipping out. Total fear hit. Questions rais ing through my mind. Im gonna get divorced agaiin. Hes gonna cheat it was awful . I remember going in ghe back yard n sitting down. I had stick n started drawing in the sand n it hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus was drawing on the ground ehen he said any of you who have not sinned cast the first stone. He was right . That whole yr was awful tho I kept finding it then checking his phone n computer over n over. Finally got some help from a kind bishop he repented n I thought it was over. I was wrong he was trying but somethg didnt feel right n it wasnt . Finslly had found it for the last time. 2 yrs of lies over n over. I knew I had to leave. While we were seperated he had called n said he wanted to talk thats when he smyold me how long the (M) had been going on. He actually hid that I had know idea. We were seperated n I got divorce papers had him sign them n turned them in. We got back together that month they were going to be finale. Things are different I feel a different better spirit w him. I still fear but its taking a lot to calm mysrlf n put it w the lord. I just pray n pray for him. N I. We arent sealed yet . I want him to be ready . Sometimes I still fear hes lieing but I say prayer n let god hsve it. Hes a good man just had a rough life n sometimes it feels like im raising him. He hss a good heart n is God fearing. We r having his first. My third baby in dec. Another God sent plan. Was worried at first didnt want to drag a baby thru our recovery process but god thinks differently . I have seen Miracles worked here n I know that im not alone . I can only control me. N I can try loving him to better but thats all. I can do. The rest is his choice. He loves me I have no doubt. Of yhat. Hes human. Hes also that beautiful lost sheep in Christs hands so I know he will be oj. Its just me I need to work on. My self esteem from yrs of thinking im not good or pretty enoughMy heart. From being broken over n over. Forgivness for both the ex n new husband. Who r to totally diff spirits. I need to recover me n love me again. Its a long process w so much suffering in the. Past n a lil here n there now. Ill make it. N We will make because we Loved . N LOVE CAN TEAR DOWN WALLS OF HATE N BUILD BRIDGES OF UNDERSTANDING. Now tell me why my patriarticle bkessing states this n so much about forgiveness. I think God knows me n what im going thru. No. I know God knows me n what im going through n he does u to. Ill pray for you n yours ."
posted at 02:14:55 on August 15, 2013 by chelle30
that was beautiful    
"Thanks for your thoughts!! I will pray for you tonight! God loves you and your husband."
posted at 02:36:35 on August 15, 2013 by beclean
Don't refresh the page...    
"When you refresh the page, it posts again. Click on the main LDSAR page and then click back to this one.

Also, if you log in, you can delete the extra posts. Click "edit" next to a post, then click "delete""
posted at 11:34:44 on August 15, 2013 by beclean

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006