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By eternity
6/14/2013 1:31:14 AM
Hi,

I am new on here. My husband was once addicted to pornography and has recently struggled with temptations. He has not intentionally gone seeking for anything, it is mainly stuff he just comes across. thing that are difficult to control.

Most of the time it is just thoughts, and when things pop up he lingers longer on descriptions or pictures than he would like.

We have a calendar and we are tracking days he feels he does well and restarting when he feels he lingered to long on a thought or picture.

I knew he had struggled with this addiction when we were engaged. He has been clean since before he served his mission. About 6 months after we were married he started dealing with the temptation again. It has now been almost 1yr and a half and he is still being tempted. It is a fight every day to not be tempted.

He is still a worthy recommend holder, and I feel he really is doing wonderful. He is so open about everything, every little "slip" (thought, lingering) he tells me about and we council and I comfort and praise and do anything I can think of to be a good support to him.

When he first started dealing with being tempted again, i did not feel hurt or angry or anything, because I know that he loves me and I know the desires of his heart and I am willing to work through any thing with him.

Recently it has gotten harder to be a support. I still don't feel betrayed or hurt, I just feel a heavy burden I guess. I don't have anyone to talk with about what to stay HOW to help, HOW to be a support.

I really don't feel things are that bad. My husband has not lapsed or anything like that. Just dealing with the temptation of possibly lapsing or falling. I just want to know all I can do to help it not get any further down the track.

So what do I do? We have heard of the recovery groups but we wonder if out situation is 'bad enough' so to speak that it would really help? My husband has read and gone through the 12 process and really enjoyed it, but he felt "i know all of these things, and I have a really strong testimony of them all."

So we are stuck. I need an outlet for when it feels the burden gets heavy, and even just typing this is helping. But mostly I want to know what we should do.
What I should do as his wife? what he can do to help himself? Is out situation really that bad?

Our bishop does know our situation. my husband is actually the executive secretary for our Married Student Ward so he gets to be around bishop a lot.

I just need suggestions, support and anything else you want to tell me.

We always have the questions of, " will we always have to fight this temptation, or will there be a time like when we were first married and right after his mission where he was completely free and did not even think twice about pornography?"

Does the fight ever end, will there ever be complete freedom from this?

Sorry it is a long post, and not very well organized thoughts. I just wanted to get everything out there. I look forward to what everyone has to say.

Thank you so much in advance.

Comments:

Good luck girl    
"Sorry that this is your challenge. From what I have studied and experienced, this could be a very long process. It's a painful one. I think it's great that you knew before you got married and still chose to marry him. It's great that he is open with you too. You have those things in your favor. I'd hang on to those things, but I would also start to figure out what your boundaries are too. As much as you care for and about him, you must care for and about you. It's a hard thing to have a heavy heart. Your Heavenly Father and our Savior love both of you so much, but sometimes, you need to love yourself much as you love your husband. The 12 step program could be helpful to you. Maybe you should check it out. I don't think it could hurt, even though it could be hard to get started. Good luck, Eternity! You must be an amazing daughter of God to have been given this challenge."
posted at 09:14:27 on June 14, 2013 by Anonymous
Does the fight ever end?    
"Brigham Young said that those who seek a place in the Celestial Kingdom must fight every day. In fact, it was someone else who said in General Conference that we must fight until we are "safely dead."

So in answer to your question: No. We must fight every day, and we must fight until we are "safely dead." How else is your husband, you, I, and everyone else in this period of eternity called mortality able to call on the powers of the Atonement unless we struggle? Even the Apostle Paul admitted that he had a "thorn in the flesh" that stirred him to keep himself in line and close to the Lord. The most important thing to remember is that your husband's situation is not unique and that he must not give up. That is the whole point of our mortal life here on earth."
posted at 09:48:13 on June 14, 2013 by stayingclean
reporting    
"welcome!

So, does your husband report to you every time he has a bad thought or temptation, or only when he lingers longer?"
posted at 20:55:05 on June 14, 2013 by beclean
Crashing    
"I hope not, but most likely it will always be with you.

I am crashing right now because after 2 1/2 years of sobriety, I finally began to feel safe with my husband, trusting him with my heart. We were closer than we had been in our 26 year marriage. I remember being just like you. Not mad, so supportive in every way. You are an angel to your husband. I used to be one to mine, but I realize that there is nothing I can do to help any of my addicted loved ones. I have burned myself out and made myself sick trying. I now fully understand that I can only take care of myself.

We have had non stop challenges in our family for almost 4 years with few breaks, and before my husband relapsed/slipped we were just trying to grasp the reality of something so heartbreaking that is happening with one of our children, when I figured out that my husband had crossed the line. I was counting my blessings and thinking that with all that is going on, at least our relationship is solid . Then one day ago, I learned that he slipped and fell. I don't want to feel like a victim, but right now I am just beginning to try to figure out where to go from here. I am on my knees reaching out the the only one I can ever truly count on.

I am devastated and am praying for relief. I am sick and have sores all over my body that won't heal. My Dr. calls the stress ulcers.

I am working my steps but am trying to grasp where to go from here.

I will pray for you tonight and wish you peace. All I can say is to never let go of the Savior. He is truly the only reason I am still breathing right now.

Pornography brings evil into the lives of all who view it and unfortunately it is everywhere. I hate what it has done to my once loving beautiful little family.

The Lord has promised he can heal us and we must hold fast to him 24/7. I am not sure if it will happen for my family in this life, but I have to hope.

Please seek recovery for yourself now. It will prepare you for what may lie ahead. I would encourage you to download the Healing Through Christ Manual. This manual is not church sponsored, but written by beautiful and loving LDS family members whos loved ones suffer with addiction. They also have phone meetings 3 times a week. the web address is www.healingthroughchrist.org .

I pray that you and all of the other wives, myself included will learn how to let go of your husbands lust and place our whole trust in the Lord.

Angel"
posted at 01:11:08 on June 15, 2013 by angelmom
LOTR    
"In addition to watching out for evil spirits, which the current apostles don't talk very much about, it can be extremely helpful to get the spirits of the righteous dead on your side. They DO talk about this, a little.

Do you and your husband get involved in temple name indexing? What about using Roots Magic to find the names of your ancestors that need temple work done? With today's technology, this is quite easy and fun, and living apostles have testified that it will protect us against temptation, especially if we do the family searching AND the temple work. I encourage you to give it a try. Set aside time each week and learn how to do family history at your university's family history library. And set aside time each week to go to the temple.

It's like the scene in Return of the King when the evil forces were overcome by the spirits of the dead who had been trapped under the mountain for generations, waiting for a savior to come free them."
posted at 10:48:45 on June 15, 2013 by beclean
PS it's not all bad    
"I think you've received a lot of negative responses. They may have scared you about the future.

The facts that your husband told you his problem BEFORE your marriage and he is completely open and honest with you now are HUGE, HUGE. Very, very few men are honest about this problem, and honesty is REQUIRED to overcome. Anyone being dishonest about it or hiding it is still a LONG way from recovery.

Your husband needs to continue his honesty. If you set boundaries, they should include a huge line in the sand that says you will not tolerate hiding or dishonesty. He should probably not tell you every detail of his thoughts, because that can be overwhelming to you. But he should always be accountable to someone when he messes up, and that someone can be you, if you are strong enough. But remember: a mess up is not a temptation or bad thought... even Jesus had those. In fact, when your husband ignores a temptation and moves on with life, it should be celebrated as a success, not seen as a sin.

Like you and your husband, I told my wife my problems before marriage, and I've always been completely open and honest. We've had 11 awesome years of marriage, and we are madly in love. Our marriage hasn't been perfect, and I've not always been clean, but what marriage is perfect? Our relationship is sound and very blessed. We stay as close to the Lord as possible in every way, because we know we need to. And we are completely on the same team with each other and the Lord. That is a huge blessing. Life is wonderful! We would not be so close to our Lord and Savior, and we would not understand the atonement as well as we do, if we hadn't struggled TOGETHER through this and other problems. This is what life is for: growing closer to the Lord and to our loved ones through the challenges we share. The solution to those challenges is always faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the application of his atonement."
posted at 11:01:10 on June 15, 2013 by beclean
PPS AngelMom    
"I am so, so devastated to hear of your recent trial and your husband's slip. I truly believed that you and he had everything figured out, and I envied his strength from Dr. Weiss— since I had never spent money on this temptation, I could never bring myself to spend money on recovery.

I pray for you at this time. The Savior is still there for you and your husband. Please help him not to slip back fully into old habits — so much progress should not be wasted; it should be celebrated. What does Dr. Weiss say about relapses?"
posted at 11:15:21 on June 15, 2013 by beclean
PPPS i read your post to my wife    
"My wife says it's unfortunately a temptation that will likely be with your husband for the rest of his life. But we all have daily temptations. Some are just more visible than others. Imagine if you recorded on a calendar every slip or sin you made and "started over" counting your days of perfection. That would get pretty overwhelming, and it wouldn't be very helpful to constantly be reminded of your failures. We're not trying to avoid temptation. We're trying to rely on the Lord despite our sins, temptations, and imperfections. We cannot expect perfection of ourselves or our spouses. If we do, life will be very disappointing.

Do everything you've been taught to stay close to the Lord:
Listen to good, clean music only
Watch only clean movies filled with light
Feast daily on the scriptures
Praying earnestly every day
Attend the temple weekly or as often as possible

It's a daily battle — that's what life is! No matter what our battle in life, it's not meant to go away. We're meant to fight the good fight and endure to the end.

My wife ends with, "There's hope!" We get stronger as we put the Lord first."
posted at 11:32:59 on June 15, 2013 by beclean
Online support    
"Hi - first off for people to talk to, there is a wide array of online blogs that loved ones of those with these problems have. A huge list of them can be found at ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com/

Everyone I've ran into on these blogs has been very nice and supportive, and have a unique and helpful perspective that is difficult to find elsewhere. I'd suggest picking a few you like and reaching out to them. They will be more than willing to help and support. Over all - please remember that although his problem greatly affects you, it has nothing to do with you. It would happen no matter who he was with, and is something he needs to learn to tame.

I had honesty issues and was not 100% honest with my wife when we were engaged, although I told her I had this problem prior to us getting engaged. I wouldn't go all out in the addiction, but I would do and look up little things here and there and justify them. I'm glad to here that at least all he's struggling with are thoughts and he's not still dabbling in gateway websites. That's the next step after thoughts.

As far as thoughts go - because of my prior honesty issues my wife and I went through a horrendous time when I reported every temptation to her. Every one. And it was horrible. It was good for us to develop honesty because I really didn't want to do it, but it was so difficult for her and I. Hopefully he's only telling you when he makes poor decisions to deal with temptations and not telling you about every temptation.

Also, sometimes it helps just to not give it a ton of attention. He does need to report to you every time he chooses to do something wrong. But if he is worried sick he will have temptations and choose to linger on them all day every day, it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try and take some pressure off and have him report conscious, poor decisions he makes to you. There's a fine line between being thorough and being obsessive over it all. His definition of 'lingering' on thoughts might be too harsh and unattainable. I hope he can accept that he has temptations and that it's normal to happen - what's important is that he makes good, conscious decisions based on them.

3 steps that help me that I read somewhere. When your husband has temptations, he can:
1) Accept - accept the fact that he has and will have temptations
2) Breath - take a few deep breaths and look at surroundings
3) Choose - make the right choice

Simple as ABC :) Good luck to the both of you. If you or your husband would like to chat more me and my wife would be happy to oblige.

recovery.gdodaat@gmail.com"
posted at 11:47:49 on June 16, 2013 by recovery.gdo
Welcome    
"I just wanted to say welcome to the site. I hope we can be a support to you here!!!

Maddy"
posted at 21:55:31 on June 16, 2013 by Maddy
Thank you!    
"Thank you everyone for your support and your comments. I truly appreciate them. We have read through the comments together and have learned some very valuable lessons and things we can do. Thank you so much!"
posted at 01:03:03 on June 17, 2013 by eternity
another thought    
"It's important that your husband not become obsessed with worrying about every little thing he's thinking. Let the Lord worry about that and fight those battles for him. Let him be about the Lord's work. God fights our battles and helps us with our weaknesses as we focus on other things — namely, his work."
posted at 07:25:03 on June 17, 2013 by beclean
Thanks BeClean    
"Thank you so much for your compassion. My husband got right back on track and I am very happy for him.

My head has been in a swirl with all of the trials and as trilas go, this could not have come at a worse time, but He and I are each turning to the Lord and working through this latest slip. It was not a relapse thank goodness, only a slip. My boundaries are in place and I am rebuilding my life from having so much addiction around me.

Hubby told me what happened was he was too prideful to make a phone call to his sponsor and the next thing he knew he slipped. I a not sure what the good Dr. Weiiss says about slips. This is my husband's thing to deal with. I just pray daily that I can stay out of his and my addicted children's brains. When I try to understand this whole thing, I just feel crazy.

I agree that there is nothing more important than our daily work with the Lord. I became tired and Satan used that as the perfect opportunity to take me to the floor with sadness when my husband was slipping and one of my children chose drugs over his family.

I am getting professional help for me now and working on getting back to taking care of myself. I am nurturing the relationships that I can and giving the other ones back to the Savior, knowing that he will be with them always ...Even if they are unaware of it.

Again, thanks so much for your compassionate words and I am glad to know life id moving forward with you and your wife."
posted at 20:38:33 on June 25, 2013 by angelmom


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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
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    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988