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Help! Alcoholic hanging by a thread!
By ~cindy~
5/20/2007 11:06:05 PM
I don't know what to do? I've been down this road before. Sober 14 years- January 2005 We broke our sobriety. Since that I have been excommunicated and my husband is disfellowshipped.My children - One is in juvenile detention (he is a deacon without a testimony) One just turned 18 (teacher)addicted and unhappy23(on house arrest) in portland.
I sincerely want to regain my membership & keep my marriage & family intact.

My husband finally admitted he does not want to quit doing the things he likes to do-

I do not know if I can stay clean and sober while he is using. My sister tells me to leave. I have 2 children who are a wreck because of our actions. They are now addicts.

In two years our family has gone from full fellowship- Holding high calling is the church to...broken unhappy confused ugly
dirty individuals.

We have had a general authority come visit our home and I gave him my word- that I would return to th fold. I know I cannot be happy without the gospel.

I go to church and cannot partake of the sacrament-i miss this so much!, I cry
through the whole service. I cannot say one word in our classes when I need answers and input. I cannot wear my garments- which I look at and feel and smell...and long to wear.

Tears now are streaming down my face and I know tomorrow brings another day of loneliness - and the struggle to know what I need to keep my family from falling apart! The question is am i strong enough after two years of this to hang-on

My heart is torn, my soul sorrowed and twisted, I cry, I pray I read the scriptures and Ensign I attend church off and on. We have prayers at meals and almost most evenings as a couple.

If any one knows what to do help me please! ~ Hanging by a thread~

Comments:

Just a few words    
"Start with baby steps. You aren't going to turn this around in a day. Figure out what you can do right now. If you gave your word to the general authority, make a plan of how you are going to make that happen. Write it down with clear and obtainable steps.

You used the word "using", as in ref to your husband, so that would lead me to believe he is using drugs, and not drinking. Or maybe its both. You didn't say. Drugs are hard to break and to over come. They are so addicting. A person with that type of addiction, would need to seek the help of professionals that deal with that type of addiction. You cannot do it on your own.

Your children. You cannot blame yourself for what they do. They have their choice also. You can only reteach and relearn what they have forgotten. If they want to they will accept. If they don't then you must pray for understanding.

Your being ex'd. There is a way back. You shouldn't worry about the why's. Just where you are going. What's done is done. Well all fail, we all make mistakes. We all do things we shouldn't have done. We have all said things we shouldn't have. Dont beat yourself up over it. Same thing here, start with small baby steps. I would venture that certain behaviour got you were you are at. Correct those things. Repent, pray, and fast. You can still wear your garments in spirit. You can still live your life as if you did. You still will be protected. You are still not alone.

Your own addiction. Focus on the battles won. "I made it through this day" Count your success and keep track and score. If you made it a week, reward yourself with a ice cream cone or something.
(2) Get out and do something active. Walk, walk at the mall...anywhere. Get out and do something. (3) Set up a support structure. Have someone you can call at any time and have help "A LIFE LINE" as it is called. You need that. (4) Seek out a preisthood blessing. And yes just because you are ex'd doesnt mean you are totally cut off...you are not. Satan wants you to think that.....
(5)Dont flirt with your addiction. You cannot tempt yourself and win. Stay away from those places that would sell the alchol. Don't go down that lane. It is your choice. You can choose what you are going to do. and don't go to bars, no good will come of that. (6) Live the gospel because you still have it. You are on a time out right now. At some point it will be over and you can come back. Dont give up on that. Satan wants you so bad, and he is going to throw so much at you to discouarge you and beat you down. If you choose to drink, that will not help you or your situation. It will not bear good fruit. So you need to choose what youre going to do.

Dont beat yourself up. Its like a foot ball game. You loose some and you win some. Do your best. Look at what you are learning about yourself. Forgive yourself....look at yourself in the mirrior and say "(Your name)....I forgive you for.....(what ever you did)" Do that over and over. It will help.

Read some good books. Start with STEVEN CRAMER. 'THE WORTH OF A SOUL' or 'PUTTING ON THE ARMOUR OF GOD'. Steve was ex'd himself and made it back. So he knows how I feel, he knows how you feel.

There are safe houses and crisis lines in ever major city, may be a good idea that you have those close at hand. There is also the ER. If you feel you are going to relapse, go sit down there...

Surround yourself around people that love you NO MATTER WHAT. There are no buts in love...'we love you, but....'

Keep a journal.

There are so many things you CAN do. You have to learn what those are. You can DO many things, even though you may feel you are cut off. Satan would have you believe you can do nothing.

Lastly think that you are normal...ok. You are going through this just like everyone else. You are normal and you are having normal issues. Maybe i am the crazy one, but these are the last days, and everything is on overdrive to screw up peoples lives. Most people will come in contact with some form of addictions in this life.

Know that you are still loved, and that people care about you. People would care if you go off the deep end, so keep it together. You know you...do what you need to take care of yourself.
There may even be people on this web site that are praying for you...and care also...because people are praying for me with my addictions and problems. its been great. (i am skyteamst90)."
posted at 05:49:24 on May 21, 2007 by Anonymous
Tender Mercies    
"As I read both of your words, I can't help but think of the 12 step program the church has. Steps 1,2, and 3 can be so powerful. As everyone always says the basic description of them is "I can't, He can, I will let Him". There is a quote by Elder Bednar in one of these steps that says, "We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1:20).

Some individuals who hear or read this message erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord, believing that "I certainly am not one who has been or ever will be chosen." We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."

May you be able to to turn your life and your will over to God and allow him to bless you with His tender mercies. He loves you and wants you back!"
posted at 08:41:29 on May 21, 2007 by Anonymous
Take His hand, it's better than a thread.    
"I agree with skyteamst90, don't give up. I haven't ever been ex'd, but I think most of us here can relate with the feeling of being outside the blessings of the Gospel, unworthy of a relationship with God, etc. Satan is real good at convincing us that God doesn't love us even if we still believes that He loves everyone else. You probably believe God loves your children and even you husband (who doesn't appear to want to repent) more than He does you. It doesn't make much sense, but I have seen it repeatedly in my own life and in others. It's crazy how a person can sit in an addiction recovery meeting believing they are beyond hope even though their greatest sin is porn addiction, and at the same time believe that the atonement can work for the guy across the room who has molested his son, been excommunicated, lost his family, and spent five years in prison. Satan doesn't care who else we believe can be saved as long as he can keep us convinced of our own hopeless state. Our testimony regarding others won't help us.

Don't beat yourself up too much about the past. It is done and there isn't anyway to redo it at this point. I often wish that I could have gotten into recovery earlier simply for the sake of my two oldest children. I can see how they have been affected by spending their early years during the ugliest part of my addiction. I just have to let the past go and do my best from here on out. In the end they will be responsible for their own choices. I can't blame my actions on my father.

As I mentioned before i've never been ex'd, so I can't relate to all you are going through, but maybe I can offer a ray of hope based on the experiences of a couple of my friends. One is the guy I mentioned earlier who went to prison. He was the Stake Young Men's President when what he had done to his son came out and he got ex'd. He had also served on the stake high council. He had done enough in scouting to have been awared the silver beaver. He was rebaptized a little while later, but hadn't really recovered. He had another problem later and that is when he lost is career, was disfellowshipped, his wife divorced him and he went to prison. He had been in for three years and was in a halfway house, when he got a black mark on his record and went back to prison. He told me that is what finally woke him up and got him ready to really recover. He is my best friend, so hopefully I won't sound too derogatory when I point out that he must have been very proud and hard hearted for it to take all of that to get him to hit bottom. The main point I want to bring out is despite all that, the Atonement still worked for him. He got into the church's addiction recovery program, and has found a lot of peace in his life. He still has had a number of trials since getting into recovery, many that aren't even related to his addiction, but he is happy. Finally after an interview with F. Burton Howard he was given his full priesthood blessings back. Eighteen years from the last time he was able to attend the temple. He has served as a facilitator in the addiction recovery program a couple of times. I remember even before he recieved his fellowship back, so he couldn't even take the sacrament, he would aften tell the group, "Where I have been, none of you want to go, where I am you all want to be." He was able to find peace a few years before he was even accepted back into fellowship.

The other friend has also served as a facilitator in the program. He actually started in the program before he was ex'd. Originally it looked like he would be able to keep his membership and then there was a change and he wasn't. I can't imagine what it was like for him, but it was tough to even watch a friend go through the experience. Pain caused by members who didn't understand and would judge. Not being able to participate such as sacrament, praying & baring testimony in Church. He has often mentioned that one of the things he really enjoyed about the recovery program was that he could do all those things. It was a thrill to attend his baptism not too long ago. He is now working towards getting his other blessings restored.

I did think of one of my other favorite success stories. He has often referred to himself as the missionary who went from the crack house to the temple. I don't know if he ever had church discipline taken against him. I think he just drifted away from the church in his twenties early in his addiction. He did have one long period of sobriety when he was heavily involved with AA. He didn't take care of everything he needed to though, and ended up slipping back into his addictions which were many. He told me once if it is out there, he has tried it. At one point he was so destitute that he would empty out ash trays and go down the side of the road picking up cigerette butts and then build his own cigerettes just to get a fix. Instead of an address he had to give his parole officer directions starting from a highway mile marker leading to his tent. He first attended the LDS recovery program in the local county jail. The only reason he went was to tell them that the Church didn't know anything about addiction recovery. After finding out that it was a twelve step program he stuck around and found recovery. He has since recieved his patriarchal blessing, the melchizedek priesthood, and his temple endowment. He has also been a missionary in the recovery program.

I hope the stories of my friends help. They have helped me in the daily battle. I will ask them if they have any advice regarding getting back into full fellowship.

I just know that only God can direct you as to what to do in your current situation. I don't envy your struggle to recover while your spouse has no desire to change. I have seen spouses faced with this challenge. My own wife prayed three times about if she should leave me. I have seen some who were directed to end their marraiges and others who were directed to do something drastic that brought their spouse around, and some, like my wife, who were to just hang on. I pray that you will know what is right for you. Sometimes like Alma the elder all we can do is turn them over to the Father and pray that He can bring them around.

"Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power—that One is God. May you find Him now!"
AA (Big Book) pp 58-59

“…for every one is an hypocrite and an evildoer, and every mouth speaketh folly. For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still.”
Isaiah 9:17

I know His hand is still stretched out towards you."
posted at 15:37:43 on May 21, 2007 by justjohn
help    
"42 year old mother of three. needs help dealing with her addiction. i've been to 2 inpatient program completed them. i've just recently been hospitalize i'd OD. now i'm looking for help in any ways."
posted at 06:44:22 on December 29, 2008 by Anonymous
How "willing" are you?    
"Are you willing to do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober? If you've been to rehab twice you probably already know what is required...go to a lot of meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 Steps, etc. If you're in addict like me just going to church isn't going to cut it. Our Heavenly Father put the 12 Step programs all around us so that people who are in the bonds of addiction can break free. Unfortuneatly, most are unwilling to "work" the program. By a hundred forms of self-delusion we tell ourselves that we are somehow different than the people who need to work a program. If you need a practical approach to getting out of the pain your in I would suggest going to 90 meetings in 90 days. When we do this in the beginning something miraculous happens. We find that we actually "want" to go to meetings. We also discover that we actually can stay sober. Good luck to you."
posted at 12:46:12 on December 29, 2008 by Anonymous
thanks just john    
"JustJohn,

Thanks for sharing the success stories of people you personally know. It is encouraging to hear how people with severe problems can through the 12 step program and the gospel can overcome their addictions and the host of problems that comes with them. My husband is early in his recovery and doing very well but I worry about how things will be in the future. Your comments gave me more hope that my husband can work the program, repent, live the gospel, and stay clean."
posted at 18:45:44 on December 29, 2008 by bikermom


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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

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"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002