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My Story
By Son_of_God
5/6/2013 11:57:08 AM
My name is Mike and I am a son of God and a recovering addict to P~rnography, Masterbation, lustful thoughts. My story is maybe different than some on this board. I never masterbated as achild or even into my teen years. Nor did I ever look at p~rn all through high school. I served an honorable full time mission and came home and began my college experience. I met my wife and we were married in the temple not long after. We just celebrated 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. I discovered p~rn about a year into my marriage and it was very subtle how it all happened. I was at work and a pop up of a naked woman came onto my screen. I instantly closed the screen but the image remained with me. For days I thought about what I had seen and my curiosity was peaked. From there I began to search for more and more and what started as suggestive images turned quickly into hard core p~rnography. I later found that you could view videos of just about anything you can imagine online. The odd part was that I never masterbated to the p~rn. I just looked and filled my mind with the stuff. It was like I had enough control to set a boundary that I would not take it to the next level and somehow I felt justified in my behavior because "at least I wasn't jerking off to the stuff". I know how stupid that sounds. Well, as most addictions go, I soon began to pleasure myself while viewing the p~rn and that opened up a whole new realm of fantacy and lust for me that I had never felt before. Of the twelve years of my marriage, almost all of it has been tainted by this addiction and to a false reality. I have hurt my wife so deeply through my actions and am trying to make things right. She has been so patient with me as I continue to struggle and fall back. I love her so dearly and want to be the man that she sees me to be and not how I tend to view myself.

I have been involved with the LDS twelve step program for a number of years now and attend meetings as often as I can. I have seen periods of great growth and progress as well as the darkness of relapse. I am currently coming off of a slip and am on day 17 of sobriety. I want so much to be free of this aweful chain and be truely clean. I often think about that day long ago when I first saw that image and how different things would be if I had not willingly entered this secret world of lies. I know that God loves me and I see his love each day. I realize that even though I still slip up that my Heavenly Father is always near to help pick me up and start me on my path again. I will keep going with this and hopefully get stronger and stronger in my desire and ability to fight this.

I wanted to post and hope to do so on a frequent basis. I think that writing my thoughts is a good way to medicate and get to the root of my issues. I have read so many great posts that have been a strength to me and hope to also contribute to the recovery and healing of all of you.

Your brother in recovery,

Mike

Comments:

Staying Sober    
"I feel your pain brother. I have been married the same length as you. Though I am the complete opposite. I discovered prn/mb at a young age and struggled with it before and after my mission. It is only in the last few years that it has taken a hold of me. Today I am 80+ days free. 99% of the time I feel free of it. It is the 1% when I feel tempted and those impulses start flooding my system. Luckily in the last 80 days I have been able to work through it. I have never done the 12 step program but what works for me is learning how to manage my impulses. I have mentioned it here a few times. I get a lot of my help from Tony Lister a non-licensed LDS "life coach." He has some great videos on YouTube that have helped me to recognize impulses for what they are and to manage them before they manage me. All the best to you."
posted at 15:33:21 on May 6, 2013 by stayingclean
Staying Clean    
"Staying Clean, it is interesting that you should mention Tony Lister. I recently discovered him via some podcasts I found and rather enjoy listening to him. I am like you also in that I usually do okay "most of the time" but find that I am very impulsive and seem to turn to my addicitive behaviors without even realizing it. I think I need to work on the reasons behind why I am indulging in it. I am starting to see that it is not really even the p~rn or masterbation that I crave but that is the vehical which I have chosen to "fill the void" in my life. The root behind the activity is what I am trying to get a handle on. Much harder than it seems I suppose, but I stay committed and hopeful that I will reach the end of this battle and make this weakness into a strength. Thanks for the share."
posted at 17:46:54 on May 6, 2013 by Son_of_God
Hello    
"Well I to have found help through Tony Lister. My friend told me about him and I try and listen to his videos every nite! It's been over a month since I last acted out. My story is different I haven't been an addict very long. My first was drugs a long time ago before I had kids. And just like they say to cope you swap addictions. My addiction now is sex! I'm half assing it right now is the best way to put it. I don't really know how to put my feelings into words right now. I have been tempted by guys but I've said no I'm really afraid If I do say yes it won't stop and then another year will go by in this darkness. For some reason I don't get a hold of that one guy I know what will happen. I spiraled out of control and I'm really scared. Fear keeps me away for now! I'm sorry I probably don't make any sense. I wish I could understand what I'm feeling right now. But I know I am walking a very thin line by not giving my all I know it but I still do it. I don't feel worth it. I'm going to start seeing a therapist that specializes in this addiction but she can't start till the 15th. So until then I am hanging on!!"
posted at 00:48:38 on May 7, 2013 by Mom of 2
Mom of 2    
"Keep hanging on Mom of 2. I want you to know that you can do it! You are a daughter of a loving heavenly father and he is aware of you and knows your true desires. Yesterday was a really difficult day for me. I wanted to act out SO bad and almost did several times but what kept me from it was the thought that the pleasure would only be temporary and I would be left feeling even worse afterwards. I comntniue to struggle every day but my God has not forsaken me. he loves me still and he will continue to help me. Please be strong and know that with God you can overcome the urge to seek out sexual attention. Mom of 2, you ARE worth it! Please dont ever forget that. Addiciton sucks! But lucky for us addicts, God has promised that if we do the best we can and love and serve him that he will give us that added measure of his love to help us get through it. Hang in there! You are not defined by your sins.

Your friend,

Mike"
posted at 09:33:05 on May 7, 2013 by Son_of_God
Tony Lister    
"I think he is great and offers some good advice. He breaks it down for you physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. All are integral parts of a complete whole that must be satisfied in healthy ways."
posted at 16:22:35 on May 7, 2013 by stayingclean


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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006