Print
Confusion sets in...
By Jonah
5/5/2013 8:36:28 AM
Hello everyone, my name's Dan and I'm an addict.
I don't know what I'm going to say here, there's just so much I've kept in. So it may or may not be a long post.

I chose the username Jonah because I have ignored 95% of the spiritual promptings I ever felt, and now I'm stuck in the beasts throat not sure if I'm about to be spat out or sucked back into it's stomach where all the good drugs are. I've always opted for the latter. But I'm not feellin it this time around.

I was always an adrenaline junky. Somewhat clumsy and prone to taking even greater risks than the guy who went before me, I've spent a lot of time in the hospital. I really jacked my back up after getting hit by a drunk and fracturing my skull, apparently a broken rib was missed in the mad dash to keep my brains inside and it healed wrong. I settled out of court for $50,000. It was gone in 6 months. OTOH, my dealer got a really nice trans am. Today I have degenerative disk disease and spinal arthritis as well as a host of mental and physical issues caused by the 10+ years I've spent in pain management and under psychiatric care (more drugs), on top of the previous 15 I had spent abusing pot, acid, meth and alcohol.

I have 5 weeks clean from opiates. I withdrew at home. Last september I quit methadone, and once I stabilized from that I set my sights on stopping my 80mg day oxy habit. I have never had much willpower so I don't know where the will to stop came from if not from God, although the feeling that I might die suddenly is a pretty strong prompting. But it's still from God. It has to be, because for so long, I simply did not care. I was not praying, in fact I turned my back on the church years ago and never looked back until now.

So now while I am still smoking a lot of medicinal grade pot (it helps my anxiety and back pain, and has proven over the years to be the safer than the alternatives, plus I know the grower personally so I know it wasn't smuggled in on children) and have some temporary meds for sleep and blood pressure, the fog opiates had me in has been lifted. And now I can see the damage I've done to my wife and kids, and nearly everyone else in my life that I care about. Things are so clear it hurts. Our Lord blessed me with many talents, and I have wasted most of them. I have possibly had more opportunities afa as jobs I liked and free college than most get in a lifetime, but again, I've wasted them all. I am left full of regret and absolutely confused at my self destruction. I am left with a single question: WHY? Why have I done this? Why does anyone still love me, or even like me after I've blatantly and uncaringly taken advantage of every one of them? I make no sense.

Wait, I guess there's a more important question; how do I fix it?
I don't love myself but I don't hate me either, and I don't want to die or I wouldn't have quit, but a single circle of thought plays in my head anytime it wants to. "I hate myself and want to die".

If you read this far into my ramble thank you. There's more, but that's all for now.

Comments:

Hang In There    
"I don't know much about drug addiction specifically (I'm a sex and love addict), but I know that you're on the right track and in the right place. Look at the recovery manual on the left side of the page and start reading and working through it. Meetings are great too. See if there is an ARP meeting in your area, or even NA meetings. I personally couldn't do this without a counselor to help me work on the underlying issues that cause me to turn to sex. Oh, and talk to your bishop too. It is a hard road sometimes, but it is so worth it. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm so much better off than when I started. I can't answer WHY, but I know that through the recovery process you'll find some answers. You can do this if you really want to and let God help you.
D"
posted at 12:43:06 on May 5, 2013 by dstanley
:)    
"Thank you, D.
actually I called the church to ask about 12 step meetings to find they had just called someone to the new (to this area) program. A sign, possibly?
Kinda freaky. They called someone to the post the month I decide to clean house."
posted at 16:47:35 on May 5, 2013 by Jonah
Awesome    
"You're the guy I was looking for Kickit. I know I can get through this but my back hurts real bad sometimes and hurts not as bad the rest of the time, and something is gonna have to give eventually. The medical grade pot helps a lot but this isn't a medical marijuana state and it's rather expensive. I have kids to raise, a wife I need to be there for and a general life to live that I can't do from the couch. No money in it.
Soooo.... DLPA works for you? I was taking d-phenalalanine before as part of a 'smart drug' regimen and I know it works for depression but I did not know it's chiral left-hand was active in any way. I will definately try this before the ibuprofen eats another hole in my belly.

You still have PAWS? How long have you been clean?
Cuz I'm hoping that will go away too.

And, cold turkey from a 10 year morphine run makes you pretty badass dude. Kudos."
posted at 07:46:39 on May 6, 2013 by Jonah


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Jesus rejected temptation. When confronted by the great tempter himself, Jesus "[yielded] not to the temptation”. He countered with scripture. Gospel commandments and standards are our protection also, and like the Savior, we may draw strength from the scriptures to resist temptation."

— D. Todd Christofferson

General Conference October 2006