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Feeling Like A Freak
By dstanley
5/3/2013 8:32:37 PM
It's been a while since I've posted here. I'll try and talk more about my time away, but right now I'm really struggling with feeling like a freak. You see since the beginning of my addiction, I've had a fetish. Dang, even on something that is anonymous that's hard to say. I know logically that it isn't something horrible and awful, but it just feels extra wrong. I probably feel more shame about looking up stuff about it than I do when I have sex with someone. It took forever for me to tell my counselor about my fantasy about exploring the fetish with a guy. That helped, but I'm struggling again. I sent my counselor an email and a friend that knows about it a text, but neither one has replied. So I'm trying to get it out of my head so that it doesn't lead to a relapse. I'm almost back to 4 months (my longest period is 9 months) and I don't want to mess that up.
D

Comments:

Hang in there!    
"I don't know what else to say, because I haven't exactly conquered my own demons at this point. I have never posted on here, but I am inspired by those who are willing to put themselves out there and ask for help. You are very courageous."
posted at 23:06:39 on May 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Thanks!    
"Thanks. That made me smile. Just a little bit longer and I can go to bed, and start a new day tomorrow.

And an update. My friend got back to me and says I'm not a freak and that my fetish and fantasy are not that big of a deal (which is probably what my counselor, who is LDS, will say).

So no pushing the lines tonight and no relapses. I can do it."
posted at 23:20:46 on May 3, 2013 by dstanley
We feel like freaks    
"simply because we know it's wrong but do it anyway. IMO. We assume everyone else has the will to follow their conscience and not their compulsions.

Unless you mean the slang term of freak. In that case, freaky is as freaky does. I have assumed you don't though."
posted at 09:37:29 on May 6, 2013 by Jonah
-    
"I fought and struggled with sexual addiction many years. Thank goodness I did not indulge very much in visual pornography. My downfall was reading stories. I felt hopeless many times. But I would just get up and press on. Through the grace of the LORD I have been able to overcome this. Some days I still really struggle.

I went about six years without masturbating and then had one relapse back in July 2012. I haven't masturbated since then but I know it requires constant vigilance. Just keep pressing on and do not lose hope. Take up the cross and follow the LORD. I am going to post a spiritual thought:

“The term take up your cross is found in both ancient and modern scripture, including at least three references in the Doctrine and Covenants (23:6; 56:2; 112:14). In Matthew 16:24 the Savior says, ‘If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.’ The [Joseph Smith Translation] of the Bible provides the meaning of this term as given by Jesus Christ himself: ‘And now for a man to take up his cross, is to deny himself all ungodliness, and every worldly lust, and keep my commandments.’ (Matthew 16:25–26.)”"
posted at 00:32:46 on May 10, 2013 by Anonymous
Logically speaking    
"President Hinckley said very plainly how he avoids temptation, while on Larry King, he simply: "sets it aside.."


Loose yourself in service and keep up the great work!"
posted at 20:57:55 on May 12, 2013 by Anonymous
D!    
"What's up girrrl? Shoot I thought you died or something ;) Anyway, stoked you're still alive. Physically and spiritually. Hope you haven't disappeared again before I got to say "yo".

And yeah, shame is such an irrational bazaar thing. I'm similar about online chatting. It's insane but I'd almost rather confess to my wife that I had sex with someone rather than explain that I "chatted" online. Makes no sense. But then, when has shame ever been founded in reality?"
posted at 08:24:22 on August 13, 2013 by they_speak
you can!    
"Know exactly what you mean!!!! I have been free from sex for 2 years... still a huge huge temptation, but being an addict for most of my life and feeling like there was now way out, and now looking back realizing how perfect the atonement is and how it can truly change your heart!!! You can do this i believe in you!!"
posted at 07:40:12 on January 14, 2014 by inbetween
Your not a freak    
"DSTANELY,
just wanted to chime in a give you some encouragement. With the Saviour's help you can overcome all things. I have had more success as I have come understand the chemistry of the brain, the hormones that are triggered as we fantasize, the reason we want to keep going back to our addictions and why we feel so bad afterword.

I've been in the curethecraving.com program for about a month now and that has really helped a lot. I've been able to learn some skills for fighting fantasy, and also come to understand the hormones that are part of the fight that we are all engaged in. Understanding that I'm not alone in my feelings, that other people feel these same challenges helps me realize that it is not hopeless. Satan wants us to give up and given in, but if you can make it one more day the Lord can do wonderful things in our lives. Good luck you are in my prayers"
posted at 08:47:57 on January 15, 2014 by sjanderson


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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005