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Do I really want to change?
By Mom of 2
4/30/2013 8:57:02 PM
I am a single mom and finally facing my sexual addiction. Years ago I turned to drugs but within the last year it was sex. I reached out to the addiction people in program and so I could get in to see therapist talked to bishop I wasn't ready for this! I feel more numb. He asked me to start praying again but I can't. I feel this inner struggle like I know what's right but I choose nor to do it. So I guess that means I choose to live in misery. I don't want to and I don't want to mess up again. The bishop told me tell yourself the truth you will mess up! You are human! I feel I reached out for reason but I can't pray. Maybe cuz I feel so unworthy and hopeless! I want to change. Any words at this point if positive will help. Thanks for listening!

Comments:

Momof2    
"I am going to go out on a limb and say you are frightened. Sweet Momof2, we all turn to addictions to fill a hole in our life. We are trying to cope with pain and self doubt and so we turn to these 'uppers' for the thrill the buzz or the imaginary happiness they give us. All you want was to feel joy and loved and good. Of course you don't want to let that go. Addictions become security blankets for us. In some case they are the only way to cope that we know. Take them away and what do we have? That is so frightening!!!

But those of us who have been there, no that using addictions to fill those holes in our life, just leave us more empty. The are lies. They turn to dust in our mouth and can never satisfy. You want real happiness not this counterfeit. But letting go of addiction means letting go of all we have known. But you can do it. There is REAL peace waiting for you. It is the sweetest, most real tangible joy and you can have it. Don't be afraid. Have hope and faith and trust in what you can't see or feel right now, that you will be able to feel it someday. And hopefully someday soon.

Hugs!"
posted at 11:04:12 on May 1, 2013 by maddy
I want to have hope!    
"Thank you Maddy! You said very kind words and I appreciate them! Honestly just knowing other people struggle with my same feelings problems is very comforting! I am not alone! I'm having a good day so I can feel more hope its hard when I have always dealt with my issues in unhealthy ways its like you have to retrain your brain-way easier said then done! I was having a rough moment last nite and called my bishop he said you have to start with little steps like I said before I struggle to pray do to my unworthiness feeling inside so I found this church book of mine haven't read church stuff in a long time it's called Putting on the Armor of God well it inspired me to pray for the first time in a long time. My spirit Is still there. Lol. It's not per say about addiction but its a start I mean it had to be good since it helped me to pray after all! This is not a easy road and yes I am frightened very scared! I have to replace sex with something else no what that is I am still figuring out. My thing is I don't feel worth it enough the church the temple love and the list can go on but what I haven't been doing is asking for the one persons help I really need the most! I commend you all for speaking out and sharing it is not easy!"
posted at 20:37:03 on May 1, 2013 by Mom of 2
Dont Give Up    
"The best thing about the Lord, is that he NEVER gives up on us. No, we dont understand our trials most of the time, no we dont understand why he answers the way he answers, but he NEVER leaves us to be left in the dark. The only darkness is when we step out of his light. Even if the prayer has difficulty leaving your lips, your Father in Heaven knows what you will say before you say it. But there is MUCH healing when we cause that prayer to leave our lips and be spoken to him.
The Bishop is right, small steps. Taking on the whole challenge up front is intimidating. But knowing that you can make it just through the day, is easier done. I had a realization at one point in my life, that increased my ability to fight addiction. I realized that what I wanted most, I would eventually attain. Though in the moment you want something that conflicts with your ultimate goal, knowing what you ultimately want more gives you strength. I realized, that if I am to achieve freedom from these shackles, then that implies that at one point between now and then, there will literally be a last time. There will be a point when it is FOREVER in the past. If that moment has to occur, for me to achieve my ultimate desire, then why not let that moment be now?!
If we are to be more like our Savior, and we are told that we can be, then, knowing that the Savior does not have addictions, and that he has the power to break them, that means I too will reach that point. And for the sake of all the heartache, let's make that happen sooner than later!
Once I had that realization, I was almost angry with my struggles! I was kind of pissed off at the temptations and lies I had believed for so long that had kept me bound! I wanted to turn around and look down on all those tempting dark spirits that followed me around for so long and whispered all those lies in my ears. I speak figuratively of course, but I think you can understand what I mean. It was a power moment! I felt like I wanted to tell the devil where to shove it! :)
One last thing. Earlier in my struggles, one night all by myself, with temptation right in front of me, I paused. I reflected, and I realized what was about to happen if I proceeded. A little voice said to me "The real thing is better", and it not only gave me strength in that moment, but that ray of light, that simple little truth gave me strength after that too. What I ultimately wanted was better than this counterfeit.
Mom of 2, as a Dad of 3, if I can get over such a strong addiction as mine was, so can you! And your God will never leave you to deal with it on your own!"
posted at 00:18:24 on May 2, 2013 by Anonymous
Do I deserve it?    
"Why do I feel I don't deserve God's love or the atonement. I know that comes from my self hatred about me. If that makes sense I don't feel deserving of it and I'm trying to feel that. I am going to start seeing a sex addiction therapist along with my bishop. I have to admit I have only been to one meeting but meeting with the addiction specialist one on one for now. I want to feel something again. I've been so hurt by my divorce and the words saying I don't love you and don't think I ever have. The kids and I being thrown out like the trash just for him to replace us. You see my divorce didn't happen cuz of my addiction I was very faithful and loyal to him. He just wasn't. I know that is what he chose I didn't but I of course blame myself. We were married 7 yrs and the last few months of it we got sealed in the temple well it was a big joke to him and that stings me so badly I am afraid I will never go back there just to be reminded of the pain. I have lots of work to do I know and I need to hold on to the Savior as tight as I can. I have been shutting Him out and holding on to sex as much As I can but the way I use it I can't have both. I thank you for listening to me it helps just to write I need to do it more often and thank you Dad of 3 I appreciate all you have said I have stepped out of the light but I am getting cold and need Its warmth! You all don't know how much your words on here have helped me. Thank you again!"
posted at 00:50:40 on May 2, 2013 by Mom of 2
Pain    
"Ouch! I am sorry to hear about the divorce. Frankly his loss! If it means anything, my wife was previously married too (which a child). Whatever her ex called his love for her, or lack of, it has been more than replaced now! 10 years for us. I guess I bring that up so that you can have hope for your future. It is amazing to know that the faithful will be rewarded, even if it is at a different time than we think. Imagine the arms of a man who really does love you! Gotta be better than those that aren't yours right now. Know what I mean? I dont want to be insensitive. But it goes with my last post. If what you want is greater (and it is), then accept no counterpart in its place. Have self pride and self confidence, KNOWING you will have that greatest of God's gifts again in it's intended way.
And, Mom of 2, DONT EVER FORGET you CANNOT sin away God's love.
Brigham Young said, (wish i had the reference), when i didnt feel like praying, I got on my knees and prayed until I did!
As one who knows this pain so well, don't let any resentment creep in between you and your God. Don't worry about prayer formality right now, just talk to him. Even tell him if your angry, or resentful of others. Cry, whine, complain! Plead, ask, ponder. Welcome him to your thoughts, laugh with him, smile at your kids with him (they are His kids anyway (: ), and ask him things like Jiminy Cricket. You'll find before long, that prayer is not as far away or as difficult as you fear it is. Then you can get formal again. God is more human than all of us! He knows by experience what it is like to live in a world that hurts."
posted at 01:23:38 on May 2, 2013 by Anonymous
I can relate    
"I'm also a single mother of 2 trying to recover from sexual addiction. Although my two divorces were my choice, it still hurt to know that they didn't care enough to make things work. One thing that keeps me going when I don't love myself enough to do recovery for myself is that I think about how much my kids need me and I do it for them until I get back to a point where I'm doing it for me again. You and your kids deserve to be happy and healthy. It isn't easy at all, but it sounds like you're doing the right things. Like was said already, don't worry about giving up everything forever, just take it one day at a time and let the days add up. I still don't like to think about going forever without sex, but I can make it through today without sex, masturbation, etc. Hang in there and keep coming back here. I'm going to try and start coming back here more again. The more interaction you can have with other addicts in recovery, the better.

D"
posted at 20:20:41 on May 3, 2013 by dstanley
Thanks Anonymous!!    
"It's always great to hear about someone marrying a woman with kids. That's probably my biggest fear, that no decent guy will want a woman with 2 kids, 2 exes, and an addiction.
D"
posted at 20:21:53 on May 3, 2013 by dstanley
Confusion    
"I have faced the same problem. When I have screwed up, again and again, praying is the last thing I want to do but the first think I know I need. Prayer is our direct link with our Heavenly Father. It is obvious that you don't want to live in misery. This is obvious because you CHOSE to reach out, YOU did that. I continue to fall on my face all the time, and it's keeping me from going on a mission. But all I can do is do my best each day. When repenting, promise to do better and wake up each day knowing that you can be a new person.

I've given in and not prayed. I've told myself that I'm not worthy, I'm ashamed, or any other myriad of excuses. But as soon as I knelt down and began to pray, there are no words to express. Satan has convinced you that you don't want to pray, or that you can't for whatever reason. In any sin, Satan is trying to obscure our divine identity. He does not want you to know that you are a beloved Daughter of God. Guess what? You are a Daughter of God, and He wants to hear from. He wants you to talk to Him, to trust Him.

I bet you love your kids, and that you would do anything for them. And if one of them came to you with this problem or any problem/struggle at all, you wouldn't love them any less. That's how your Heavenly Father feels about you. He would do anything for you.

You are loved!!!"
posted at 21:52:44 on May 6, 2013 by anewrainbow
I am scared!    
"Thank you for the comments! They do mean alot! I am scared because my kids have been my security blanket through all of this and just found out they are going with their dad for a month. I am so scared to be alone. I can't say I am doing all of this for me. A part of me is and I know I need to hold onto that. I go to my meetings every week and see a therapist every week. I am in the right direction but still won't ask for help! Why I don't know. I know it has alot of feeling unworthy to pray and not feeling loved. I just don't love myself enough to get on my knees and ask for the help I need. I know I have alot of anger and resentment inside. why do I think I can do this on my own? Why won't I trust Heavenly Father? I'm so lost and alone. I love my kids I would give my life for them in a heartbeat! My bishop told me one nite I have to let the barrier down I need to let things in. I don't know how to do it? I go to church for my kids and the last time it was on temples so much pain is there for me. That is where we were sealed as a family and to my ex it was all a lie. I can't bear it I probably will never go back there! I have so much pain and hurt inside its so hard to deal with this is when I turn to sex to make it go away and I know now that it never really goes away."
posted at 01:58:37 on May 28, 2013 by mom of 2
To God    
"All you had to say was, To God: "I am scared...It never really goes away". Sounded like a wonderful prayer to me."
posted at 10:49:08 on May 28, 2013 by Anonymous
you ARE turning for help    
"I understand why you would want to not go to the source. it does sting. think of it like a band aid being ripped off, or the last tug of a loose tooth. Stepping into a cold shower from being so dirty. Once you take the leap, it becomes easy. It is to all of our benefit to be on our knees and pray aloud, but if your first pray is only a plea, a thought, just let it lead to the next.
I am going to guess that the scriptures are collecting dust as well, right? If you cannot pray, at least open the book of mormon and in the middle read Alma chapter 32. Just start with baby steps.
It will make you laugh, but it also has a few helpful thoughts in it. One night when you are tempted, go rent What About Bob? with Bill Murray. :)
the fact that you come here for help from your peers IS turning to help. The fact that you are seeing your bishop IS help. All of us are angels to your need. Soon you will no longer need to be fed second hand, but will be feeding from the source. The single biggest lie the dark one tells you and that you seem to still believe, is that you cannot over come this. That is the single biggest lie that you have to stop believing . Once you know that, then you have made the biggest first step to the rest of your joyous eternity. Remember life is beyond mortality. All the blessings you long for may or may not be fulfilled in mortality, but WILL be fulfilled if you give your life to your Savior completely.
you REALLY will make it in the end. you REALLY will overcome. you REALLY will be clean again and worthy."
posted at 12:48:04 on May 28, 2013 by nowell29
We all have something Satan tries to get us to hold on to    
"2 Nephi 32:8
8 And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray."
posted at 01:35:42 on May 29, 2013 by BillW


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987