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I love my wife, just can't stand to be around her sometimes
By HK-47
4/11/2013 9:53:42 PM
I love her so much. We have been married 15 years, and were college sweethearts before that. She used to be so sweet, so warm and loving. She didn't used to be like this.

She has gotten so cold, there is such a lack of affection, such a lack of ... good feeling.
I tell her I love her. I do the dishes, the laundry, and take out the trash. I take care of the kids on weekend mornings so she can sleep in. I tell her, and others, how much I appreciate what she does for me and for our kids. She tells me

She gets her way most of the time, but it is not enough. When we have disagreements about anything, I let her have her way 9 times out of 10. I really try to pick my battles. That 10th time, when she doesn't get her way, she makes my life unbearable. She has said things to me that I would never think of saying to her. Things like, "Well, maybe your next wife will be more passive." Things like, "If I'm such a mean wife to you, why don't you just divorce me?"

Then she spends days or weeks treating me like a doormat. Even our son notices, asking "Why is Mommy mad at you?" She can be such a .... self-centered .... brat sometimes. When she does not get her way she is unbearable.

I would never consider divorce. I want to work this out. I want us both to be happy. I would never, never, inflict this on our children. Her family, though, no one ever gets divorced. They just spend lifetimes in unhappy marriages. The women are all so domineering, so disrespectful, so condescending to the men. Her father and both brothers-in-law are viewed as losers, as punchlines to jokes. I don't want to even consider what they say about me.

Divorce runs rampant in my family. Most of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents have been divorced. Almost all are non-members. Only me and one of my brothers are active in the Church. We are also the only ones in temple marriages.

This must sound so one sided. I am not perfect, not by any means. I still sometimes struggle with my addiction. She knows, and I try to be honest with her. I am trying very hard with my addiction and I have made so much progress. She says that it does not bother her, that as long as I am honest, she is understanding.

I believe her. I don't think it is the problem. Maybe it is the stress buildup from years of having to move all around the world. Maybe she doesn't like Army life any more. Maybe it is just something in her family that after some years they no longer have any respect or affection for men. I don't know.

I feel like I am trying hard in this relationship. I feel like she is not, and she does not care. I honestly wonder why she has not left me, if she feels the way she acts.

We did some counselling for a while last year. It wasn't great, but we did get a few things out of it. One thing the counsellor pointed out was, "You two are very sensitive to each other." She is right. Whatever my wife says or does to me has such a more powerful effect than anything from anyone else. One harsh look from her hurts me more than a screaming threat from any other person. Weeks of her hostile attitude toward me is so hard to bear.

But I don't want to give up. It can get better, I hope. Anything positive from her also has such a great effect on me. The littlest smile, the shortest hug, the tiniest compliment from her can brighten my day more than anything from anyone else. It just feels like forever since I've seen anything like that.

My apologies to anyone who's read this all the way through. Sorry it comes across like such a whining complaint. She is not all bad. She can be an outstanding mother sometimes, and has been a great wife in the past. She has so much potential. I love her.

--HK

Comments:

It sounds like resentment to me!    
"Have you ever wondered if the weeks of hostile attitude comes after you mess up?

I am a wife of a recovering porn addict and although I am very honest in how his addiction makes me feel, some women are not. I do think that your addiction effects your wife deeply but some women don't want to admit this.

Even though my husband denied looking at women I felt his emotions/ adrenalin and I saw his head on a swivel looking at women all the time when we went out. It made me feel so bad inside. It made me feel worthless like I was a dime a dozen.

Believe it all not a lot of women know that they have your husbands attention and they think that they could have sex with that woman's husband in five minutes flat if they wanted to. Do you know how degrading and embarrassing that is ??

Although my husband told me I was crazy and had to see a counsellor, I also noticed other problems he had like: exaggeration, lies, adrenalin, uneasiness, always needing stimulation of some sort, hard heartedness, contention, confusion etc. I sensed that he had an unclean spirit in him and I told him that he did many times.

However this was met with much hostility and contention, that is until he had the Bishop cast it out and ever since it was cast out four months ago he is a different man. Actually he came home a different man from seeing the Bishop. He has changed so much he has no compulsions and has now eliminated the bad habits and conditioning that was left behind.

Evil spirits cause a lot of the compulsions. You invite the unclean spirit in because of the porn and the thoughts that go along with the porn. My husband was brutally honest about the porn and the thoughts that he has had and, although after hearing it I wanted to vomit, I knew then more than ever that he was possessed with an unclean spirit. I don’t think many men are as brutally honest about what they are thinking when they look at porn as my husband was and, although I was in shock, I told him that he needed to go to the Bishop and tell him everything he told me, and ask him to cast out the unclean spirit that was in him.

Most people like to think if they had an unclean spirit in them their head would turn 360 degrees and they would vomit green slime. No! The man that had one thousand evil spirits in him probably had many mental illnesses but anyone would with a thousand in them. I am talking about one or two unclean spirits who scream louder than your spirit can resist. Not to mention their crony spirits, that hang out with the one inside you causing havoc and contention for you and the whole family. They need to be cast out of the house all the time with the priesthood seal put back around the home.

“One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it.”
Terrence D Olson, Ensign 1981"
posted at 06:51:40 on April 12, 2013 by Aussie
Sounds really painful...    
"I hope I capture this right.. I know everyones instinct is to offer advice but I noticed that you didn't ask for any advice. I'm going to try something different and just validate your feelings.

It sounds to me like you are in a very painful place and your wife is too. Sounds like you are struggling to keep things going and there are probably times you just want to give up. I'm amazed at how well you are doing with all the adversity with your extended family. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of healthy role models. I'm really impressed how well you are doing. you haven't taken the easy route. I'm impressed!

I really connected with your comment that a harsh look from your wife is worse than an outsider screaming out you. I feel the exact same way. I think all men really want is to feel wanted and desired and that our efforts to protect and serve are welcome and wanted. I also feel the same thing you do when I get a smile, a sly smirk, a hug, compliment, whatever from my wife. I crave that.

BTW - I don't hear whining from you. I heard your heart felt suffering as you are looking for peace for yourself and your wife.

How do you think the best way that we can all help you?"
posted at 08:36:55 on April 12, 2013 by hurtallover
See a Counselor    
"My wife and I have our ups and downs. Thankfully the downs are less frequent but nothing to the degree of what you experiencing. Sometimes when I am "out of sync" with my wife I feel really bad. I struggle with Same Sex Attraction. So that is an extra challenge that I have to contend with. We all have our unique set of challenges. But even with the SSA challenge, my wife and I still treat each other with respect and dignity. If not, what is the point?

You both should see a Counselor. You need a neutral party to discuss the flaws that both of you are bringing to the marriage that is causing a stumbling block."
posted at 10:44:45 on April 12, 2013 by Anonymous
God way -NOT my way....    
"that exactly what I'm doing daily to keep sober. I'm a addict to sounds like all of you are and I've hurt my husband a ton from my ways and addiction....:( AND of course he so mad, gets angry, resentment, gets impatient with every little thing....BUT with me praying and doing the Lord will...our relationship is getting better slowly. If I only worried about what my hub thought and be sober cuz of him-I would never get sober cuz he too raw of madness now and saids hurtful things. I'm now only concetrating on my kids and God way trying to please and weird thing me being like that now-I'm starting not to care when my hub mad over something stupid...I am trying to comfort him which is definitely NEW way of living...
I'm just trying to suggest what helped me-is not really worrying about the spouse for now when your trying to get sober. Really focus on God way and the two of you will be in love again magically over time of your consistent sobriety."
posted at 14:43:35 on April 12, 2013 by marie sober
thanks    
"first, thanks for the replies. I know this was a long one and I appreciate the input.

No, I didn't ask for advice, but that doesn't mean some of it isn't good advice.

Honestly, it is not just about the addiction, or the times in the past I have had slips. She has acted like this even during times when I have had months of sobriety, regular church attendance, and have been a pretty good (not perfect) guy. Sometimes it just takes that one time when I disagree or that one time when she doesn't get her way, and it sets her off. Then I feel I am "punished" for days or weeks at a time.

She has, over the years, joked about how, at our wedding, she ensured the vows were written that she would "love and honor" me, but specifically not obey. We had a church wedding first, tthen were married in the temple a year later. I was, and still am, okay with the "not obey" thing. Honestly, I love how intelligent and organized and focused she is. The problem is, and I have told her this, she acts as if I should have vowed to obey her.

She tells me what route to take when I drive. She has decided on all of the family's vacation plans for years. She picked out all of our last few car purchases. She picks out all of the children's clothes, etc.

Most of the time I am pretty easy going about all this. I can compromise, I don't have to have it my way. Sometimes, rarely, I feel strongly enough about something that I feel is important. And, when I dare to disagree, she gets angry at me and I am in for days or weeks of retaliation. She refuses to talk to me. She responds to texts with one word. She lashes out, attacking me for things real or imagined, things from years ago.

The message I get is clear, give her what she wants, don't ever complain, or there will be consequences.

Again, I can only imagine how one sided this sounds. My wife is a good person. She has so much potential to be so wonderful. She takes her role as a mother so seriously. She has done so great in Church callings in the past.

But it feels like her need to control everything around her has gotten so much worse over the years.

I wish it were so simple that, if I just stay clean and apologize profusely, everything will get better. But there are two of us here. (Yes, I know what the prophets have said about there being three, including Heavenly Father). Both she and I have our free agency. I make my decisions, and she makes hers.

Right now I am trying so hard at this relationship. It feels like she is exercising her free agency not to. I will keep trying and keep praying.

-HK"
posted at 23:09:10 on April 12, 2013 by hk-47
I hear ya!!!!!    
"what I meant is that she will always drive you nuts....lol. YOur wife sounds like my hub. I just meant God way not my way....that totally means by emotions!!!! If we live the commandments and do what right and pray.....we will be bless. Especially if you have children. Do it for them. Love their mama. I'm just learning to accept my hub flaws and just work on myself. It's his problem. The worldly ways is very very pro divorce. Be a warrior and be strong for your children and keep the family:)"
posted at 23:20:16 on April 12, 2013 by marie sober
Write 10 great things about why you love your wife.    
"that totally helps me when I'm mad at my hub.....it changes my attitude."
posted at 23:21:41 on April 12, 2013 by marie sober
Jacob 6:7    
""For behold after ye have been nourished by the good word of God all the day long, will ye bring forth evil fruit, that ye must be hewn down and cast into the fire.""
posted at 03:32:08 on April 13, 2013 by Anonymous
You're doing fine    
"Even though I am not married I give very fond props to you for wanting to work this out. The worldly view would be to just find another wife but this is an eternal bond. Keep trying, keep praying and seeking revelation. It is evident that The Lord meant this to be an experience where you have to truly rely on Him. Your best is all He expects."
posted at 17:33:41 on April 14, 2013 by Andrewb
Codependent    
"I was not to the extreme that you describe your wife, but some of what you say about her behavior, was true about me. In fact I just read what you wrote to my hubby and he said that he felt many of the same things.

He does not feel that way anymore but a lot has happened since he became sober 3 years ago.

I can tell you from my point view that your wife is a massive codependent. The longer a wife lives with active addiction the worse it gets ( active can mean slips every few months). She does what she can to gain more control because she does not know when her life will be in control. Year in and out, I kept thinking that this time he will not slip, remain clean, honor his priesthood. Meanwhile, he would slip again, eventually disclose to me ( or I would just sense it and confront him). This cycle continued over 23 years of marriage. We too moved a lot in and out of America, but I don't think it had anything to do with my calling many of the shots. The funny thing is that I was the one who caved because most things were just not that important to me.

There are some things that I believe are extremely important to heal a marriage from addiction.

Husband in sober recovery and working daily steps
Wife in recovery and working daily steps

Each taking responsibility for themselves and seeking the Lord.

Forgiveness comes in time to the addicted loved one, but trust is something that takes years. She may never feel safe in knowing that you will honor her and your priesthood. Her recovery is very important because that is the only way she can begin to understand addiction. Right now she may feel as though you do not love her enough to stay sober. Of course that is not true, but that is often what a wife feels.

Addiction causes the husband to objectify his wife and it is nearly impossible for her to feel safe and honored when slips are happening. When you slip, she feels it, especially when it comes to intimacy. It also takes a lot of time in sobriety before most wives feel safe. Sobriety is one thing, but healing is another.

My husband remains vigilant in his recovery work. The longer he is sober, the more connected he feels to me. The longer he is sober, the less he feels the temptation to slip. He helps many men who are seeking sobriety, and because of that he is a changed man who I have gained some trust in. I do however have complete trust in the Lord and although I don't know if my husband will slip, I know that I now have the faith to be able to understand what is happening and to be able to enforce my boundaries.

Every situation is different. I believe that although your wife is not justified in her behavior, it is still understandable that she would behave the way she does. Every time you slip, even a little slip, it send her back to square one and she wonders if her marriage to you will ever truly be eternal. Most of us can't even understand what it means to have an eternal marriage. Most of us are just hanging on and living in survival mode until the next slip. Many of us are just waiting for the Savior to return and make all things right.

Staying in recovery is key. The Savior is everything in this recovery.

Is she in any kind of recovery for herself?

I will continue to pray for you and all others on this blog that you will feel thee love and peace that only Jesus can bring. Somehow it always works out. Please continue to seek His light and truth and serve him as a sign of your love and devotion to him and he will lighten your burden.

I love my Savior and feel joy most every day now because I understand what he has done for me. Addiction to me to a very ugly place, but recovery has taken me to the most beautiful place in my marriage to a very courageous man who has learned what it is to step up and honor his God by surrendering his will for the will of the Lord. My husband's example had made me want to be a better wife to him just so I can honor the great man has become.

In my opinion there is nothing more handsome, sexy and enticing than a man who is humble and honors the Lord through recovery. Okay...that may have been more than you wanted to hear.LOL

Hang in there, it does get better."
posted at 01:27:04 on April 15, 2013 by angelmom
Read    
"Read the "Peacegiver"."
posted at 00:38:27 on April 18, 2013 by itstime
Hey Man I know how you feel    
"I feel those feelings quite often to be honest. I could swear I was the dude writing this. I get hurt too though I struggle to express my hurt feelings. My wife is so cool, the best wife I could imagine but when she is upset with me and the things I brought in her life, it is the end of the world for me. Seriously dude I am like a freaking child in mens clothing. Oh poor me, I am so hard done by, I pout and parade like a drama queen. Crap it is so embarrassing thinking about my performance.

Anyway I get angry with the way I am treated and close up - that does not help either.

She will say I do not care but deep down inside I am parading like a 12 year old because I am hurt when she gets a bit hard hearted. I am hurt because I care and I want this crazy relationship to improve and work 100%. If I did not care I would have walked away long ago.

About the service towards her, well maybe she is like my wife, mine requires a hell of a lot more than the acts of kindness and service in the home, she wants me to cry with her and walk with her through the pain I have caused. I just struggle with that because here is an example of what it is like:

Wife is pissed, turns to me out of the blue and says without warning - you do not care about me. I'm like: say what honey? I do care. Her: No you don't, if you did you would be sensitive to my needs. Me: But I am trying, don't you see the efforts I am putting in to change? Her: You call those efforts? (Referring to the acts of service) Those are not special efforts, that is part of your daily duty as a father and member of this household. (As a sidenote I used to suck so naturally at housework that I am now the equivalent of Alma the younger doing dishes and doing the laundry.)

Anyway in sum mine does not give a crap about the expected house service, she needs me to apologise and demonstrate my commitment to helping her through the pain.

Not easy man but my feelings of resentment towards her bitterness towards me does not help at all, so I just have to suck it up and deal with this consequence. This is a small test that we have to pass to show that we care.

Easier said than done."
posted at 22:16:52 on April 22, 2013 by ruggaexpat
She is in denial of what she is going trough    
"When I found out my husband had a porn addiction, which mean he had be unfaithful to me I wanted to die!!!!!!I drove the car into a dicht and spent the night crying in it, until I was found. I spent the next few months in so much pain, I cried myself to sleep everyday. I lost like 20 pounds and became so skinny. I cried all the time when I was alone and away from the kids. I could not believe anyone who loved me, could hurt me so much. I could not believe he loved me. And since then thou he says he has been sober for a year or so, I am just so hurt. For me everytime he thought about another woman he was being unfaithful and I was in so much pain, so much pain. I can not even describe it. After all the lies of years and years. It is so hard for me to believe he loves me, it so hard to believe he cares. Although he washed dishes and takes care of the kids. I cook, clean and take care of the kids all day long too. I just feel so robbed and used by him through the years. How can someone says he loves you and lie to you or cheat on you? If I said I loved you but was entertaining an occasional affair with men, how would you feel?
If you are still looking at other women, you are being unfaithfull, how can any women ever be ok with that, even if it is occasionnal? I think she is in denial of her own pain and you are in denial of how much pain you are inflicting and have inflicted upon her. The damage that any sort of porn and lust causes to a marriage is incredible, it needs major work, major therapy and lots of help from groups. And years too.
I feel my husband is an expert at feeling sorry for himself thou I walk and struggle with a depression caused by what he did to us. It will take me years to heal from the pain inflicted, I pray , I do ARP, I work hard just to be able to live with someone who has destroyed my heart, my life and my dreams. I try to get rid of the resentment, sometimes it comes out.
Get help for yourself and for both of you. She needs your compassion. She acts out of pain and resentment, believe me. And this was caused by you selfish actions. This might sound harsh but it comes from what I went trough and for me it has been pure hell just to know that he ever thought of another women, even worse to know that he is addicted to this. So may times, I just wished I could get rid of this and have a normal faithful husband, but I stay for the kids. I do not hate my husband, thou, I pray for him and try to see him like the son of God he is, even if this son of God destroyed my life."
posted at 23:31:28 on April 22, 2013 by Anonymous
Response to Anonymous    
"I am working through a prn/mb that I indulge in occasionally but have not in several months. I am confident that I have it under control. After reading how you reacted, it reminds me why I won't tell my own wife. People say that I probably should but I don't think I need to give her that burden when it is my problem."
posted at 11:09:29 on April 23, 2013 by Anonymous
Did not mean to scare you Anonymous    
"But it feels to me like living a life with secrets is not a life. Even thou there is so much pain, there was pain before too. I will always be grateful that he confess, because his addiction had made all of us so sick but now we are aware and can do something about it. This means so much to me, it means that the kids can have chance to grow up in a healthier environnement, with parents who are honest with themselves and with each other. My husband thou it is difficult, feels much happier than before, he hated keeping secrets. He felt like a hypocrite, at church, with the kids. Now he feels free. It changed his relationships for the better. Even ours, we were already struggling so much. Knowing what the real problems are and working trough them is so liberating for both us. You are in denial that this is your problem, it has an effect on all your relationships, especially the one with your spouse. She knows something is wrong and is probably thinking it's her, free her and free yourself. I know an older man, who comes to ARP whose wife died unexpectedly and he is so tortured by the fact that he did not clean the slate with her and did not have a chance to be honest and make things right before she died. Whenever he talks of it, he cries. Life is short, do not waste it keeping secrets. Be a man who is not afraid to take responsibility, who is not afraid to face consequences, be a man in your own eyes. The hidden secrets hurt more, my husband kept this a secret for 10years and what miserable years, thou I am in pain, I prefer that to the confusion and the self blame of those years. At least now I can see a future for us because I know what the problems are and there is more honesty. He has my respect for that. Most wife are grateful for honesty.
Good luck"
posted at 21:59:35 on April 23, 2013 by Anonymous
Reply to Anonymous (wife)    
"I appreciate your comments. Sometimes I feel that confession is overrated. It has worked in the past but sometimes it has made things worse and I look back thinking, "Why the hell did I tell them that?" On top of a transient prn/mb problem which I feel I have under control now, I also struggle with same sex attraction. My wife knows but I don't talk about it much only in veiled jokes (e.g. ...and then she stood there almost naked and you know I barely noticed. LOL.). Even though it is something I was born with, I still feel a sense of shame that I have it. Talking to Bishops is a crap shoot. Sometimes I come out of the office feeling like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders other times I feel like I walked out with even more weight because I get these blank stares. I really don't think talking about it with my family will help. Just so you know, I don't condone prn/mb and I am not trying to excuse it."
posted at 09:03:31 on April 24, 2013 by Anonymous
12 Steps    
"I'm in the rather unique position of being able to identify with both sides, as both a wife of porn addict and being a sex addict/anorexic myself. A year and a half ago, before I knew I was an addict, I lived through the pain of discovering what my husband's been doing, and I felt violated, humiliated, sickened, and very, very angry. But when he admitted to needing help for his addiction, that word "addiction" started within me a curiosity, and I began to research the nature of compulsive behaviors. While doing this, and attending the Addiction Recovery Program, I've discovered that I, myself, suffer from addictive sexual behaviors and didn't even realize it! I learned that porn/MB are merely a "drug of choice" that my husband uses to avoid feeling his feelings, and does not mean that he doesn't love me, etc. (NOT saying it's good or excusable, just that it doesn't feel as personal. The Savior is healing my pain and enlightening my understanding around it.) For myself, the compulsive avoidance of sex or anorexia -- which at the core is the fear of mixing emotional and sexual intimacy -- is beyond my control (as are all addictions, if you understand Step One.) That doesn't mean it's hopeless. It just means neither of us can "control" our behaviors; we have to learn to let the Lord heal us by working the Steps. We are both in recovery together, and with each of us working our own programs, at our own paces, but supporting each other, it's been very good for us. It's been slow and sometimes painful growth, because we both want things to be instantly better. But at least we understand better what's wrong and how turning to the Lord is the only thing that will fix it. I now understand why COSA and other similar groups have 12 Steps for the spouses of sex addicts -- even if they don't have a sex addiction themselves, they find understanding, hope and healing through the programs that help them better understand the Atonement. I wish all bishops, etc. understood addiction and the Steps the way we now do, but the important thing is that Savior does! Hang in there! The Lord will guide you if you let Him."
posted at 15:04:34 on April 24, 2013 by DebinWV
YOU SHOT HER!!!    
"If my husband could realize and he finally did, that every time he lusted, he shot me in the gut... Yes, he shot me in the gut.... my life changed....a life changing event, and not a good one. So many of us wives, are in trauma. Trying not to get shot again. Trying not to feel the sting, the pain, the anger, the hopelessness, the loss, all the losses, of who we thought we were married to, what we though our lives were, what we thought our futures would be.....it has all changed. So what many call co- dependent behaviors are just natural behaviors to try to not let that awful thing happen to us again. I am not justifying, I am just trying to explain where the spouses of sexual addicts are coming from. Sooo, maybe the addict can think? I just shot my wife in the gut....What do I need to do to help her. Not, man, she is so carried away with this accidental shooting!!! ooops I accidentally shot her again, I did not mean to........How many time can she take a fatal shooting and keep bouncing back up? What can you do to be a real man and take responsibility for your actions. To support your family especially your wife who is trying to be brave while she is bleeding all over the place?? How can you apply salve to her wounds. Make sure she sees the right doctors, make sure she gets all the help she needs to heal, make sure she gets blessings, that she has your support, your love, your understanding, and when she lashes out and tells you this is all your fault, you shot her, sometimes over and over again, will you agree, and love her, and help her heal, and love her, hold her, cry with her??? And you promise you will never shot her again. Because you know that if you do. She might die, maybe not stop breathing, but, something inside of her will go dark, and you will never see that light again. And that is what she is most frightened of and trying to protect. Men love what they protect!!! So if you are protecting your addiction, then you know what you truly love. And so does she....."
posted at 03:07:22 on April 27, 2013 by hero
thanks    
"Thanks for all the sharing and hope, much appreciated.
We're doing a bit better, a bit. The last couple of weeks she's been more ... pleasant to be around. It isn't just with me, it's also with the kids. When she's in one of her moods (I hate to say it but it's true) she can be very cold and snappish and sometimes hurtful to the kids, as well as to me.
The last two weeks or so have been better. There has been much less of the negative, but still not much of the positive.
I love her. When she's being the sweet, caring mother and wife she can be, she's great. But lately ... it's like she rations out love and affection as if she were rationing out drops of water in the desert. It's not just with me, either.
My addiction is my problem, my fault, mine to fix. I know that and I accept that. She didn't cause it and I cannot blame it on her.
There is something else going on, though, with her.

I've struggled with the addiction for years. She has known about it for years. She's known about the times when I've had long times of sobriety. She's known about most of my slips. Our relationship has always been better when I'm doing better, and vice versa.

Lately, it doesn't matter, though. Even when (like now) I'm in a long period of sobriety, she can be so cold to me it hurts. It hurts when I end texts and e-mails with things like "I love you" and "love you so much" and her response is always "OK". It hurts when I help so much around the house (most of the housework, all yard work, driving the kids to school for her, etc.) and she doesn't even notice.

I'm a fairly tough guy. Honestly. Over a decade in the Army, multiple deployments, former amateur boxer, etc. At work, in Army life, I'm known as having pretty thick armor. I don't react or overreact to insults, words, or threats. I can tell a general (politely) he is wrong and give him an honest answer, even through the threats he or his minions make. It never bothers me.

But it hurts so much to have the sweet young lady I fell in love with back in college treat me and our children in such a cold manner.

Yes, I know that my addiction hurt her. I guess I don't feel like it is a blank check to excuse just any hurtful behavior.

It feels like, if I'm angry about something, it is my fault, and I need to learn to control it. Right. I get that.
But it also feels like, when she's angry about something (very often) it is my fault and I need to fix it for her. This is anything, be it something caused by me, by the Army, or by our kids.

I have hope, though. I have hope it can get better. I just hope that it will be something we can work through to get to have some years here on earth we can enjoy.

HK-47"
posted at 15:09:09 on April 29, 2013 by hk-47
thanks    
"Thanks for all the sharing and hope, much appreciated.
We're doing a bit better, a bit. The last couple of weeks she's been more ... pleasant to be around. It isn't just with me, it's also with the kids. When she's in one of her moods (I hate to say it but it's true) she can be very cold and snappish and sometimes hurtful to the kids, as well as to me.
The last two weeks or so have been better. There has been much less of the negative, but still not much of the positive.
I love her. When she's being the sweet, caring mother and wife she can be, she's great. But lately ... it's like she rations out love and affection as if she were rationing out drops of water in the desert. It's not just with me, either.
My addiction is my problem, my fault, mine to fix. I know that and I accept that. She didn't cause it and I cannot blame it on her.
There is something else going on, though, with her.

I've struggled with the addiction for years. She has known about it for years. She's known about the times when I've had long times of sobriety. She's known about most of my slips. Our relationship has always been better when I'm doing better, and vice versa.

Lately, it doesn't matter, though. Even when (like now) I'm in a long period of sobriety, she can be so cold to me it hurts. It hurts when I end texts and e-mails with things like "I love you" and "love you so much" and her response is always "OK". It hurts when I help so much around the house (most of the housework, all yard work, driving the kids to school for her, etc.) and she doesn't even notice.

I'm a fairly tough guy. Honestly. Over a decade in the Army, multiple deployments, former amateur boxer, etc. At work, in Army life, I'm known as having pretty thick armor. I don't react or overreact to insults, words, or threats. I can tell a general (politely) he is wrong and give him an honest answer, even through the threats he or his minions make. It never bothers me.

But it hurts so much to have the sweet young lady I fell in love with back in college treat me and our children in such a cold manner.

Yes, I know that my addiction hurt her. I guess I don't feel like it is a blank check to excuse just any hurtful behavior.

It feels like, if I'm angry about something, it is my fault, and I need to learn to control it. Right. I get that.
But it also feels like, when she's angry about something (very often) it is my fault and I need to fix it for her. This is anything, be it something caused by me, by the Army, or by our kids.

I have hope, though. I have hope it can get better. I just hope that it will be something we can work through to get to have some years here on earth we can enjoy.

HK-47"
posted at 15:09:10 on April 29, 2013 by hk-47
I am not excusing your wife's behavior    
"But I already tried to explain it.

You are a great guy, but you need to read what Hero wrote and then go and buy the DVD " Helping Her Heal" by Dr. Douglas Weiss. I don't know if it will wake you up or not, but after 23 years of the same behavior from my hubby that you described about you, he finally understood what he had done to me and to our family.

I reread your post to my husband and asked him if your wife's behavior was my behavior, and he said yes it was. That was hard for me to hear, but I was much like her.

You minimize what you have done by saying that she has known all of these years about most everything. Well that was me. Event though I knew, I was still in denial and trying to believe that he was really going to change. I even tried over and over again too change myself. I did great personal damage too.

I don't think you understand the gravity of what you are doing even with one slip. I understand you not understanding because you have a lot of support around you saying that slips happen, right? Well, the truth is that you are putting another bullet hole in you wife's heart and you are shooting your children with every little slip. They believed that you would honor God and lead them, but you keep choosing porn over them, and they are supposed to understand that you are trying and your wife is just supposed too be nice to you?

After a lot of personal recovery work, healing, and thankfully 3 years of sobriety and recovery for my hubby I understand things differently and am able to be more of a support now. But I still have my moments. Your wife is still enduring each day with you. She is numb and may even wish her life away. If she is like me at all she secretly wants out! I wanted out, and I never told anyone until things came to a head. There is so much more to this than you understand.

Give yourself and your wife a gift and buy that DVD. Better yet, go to his 3 day intensive. It is expensive, but much less that the program the church refers out to. We tried it all. He tried it all, but it took a baptist minister, recovering sex addict of 25 years , turned Therapist to finally hold my husband accountable to the Priesthood he holds. Ironic I know, that never had a Bishop or dozens of Church counselors (some even experts) over 23 years ever expect my husband to step up and be a real man of God like this man did.

The question is, are you a real man and are you ready to be held accountable and love your wife enough to help her heal? It is a rare thing for someone to do this, but thankfully my husband did and still is, and with him and my Savior, I am beginning to heal.

And we are all blessed for it.

The little sin of PN and MAST id often seen as not such a big thing, and it is true that you are forgiven each time you repent, but the damage that was done to my family because of the evil influence that lingered around our home and family brought on by inviting them into out lives through my husband's occasional dance with the devil, has caused damage that has still yet to be assessed.

We have cast Satan out ( at this moment I can somehow see Kick it smiling) and rededicated our home. We are rebuilding our lives without any more dances with the master of deception. I am still waiting for some of my children to return to the fold, but that will have to be in God's time.

Occasionally honoring the priesthood is like occasionally having a loaded gun when you need it. There might just come a time when you need to literally protect your wife and children on a day when your gun is not loaded. Of course the protection I am referring to is the spiritual protection that comes to your family when you honor your priesthood at all times.


Please pray about what I have said today and then please soldier, move your feet and he;lp her heal.

You are in my prayers
Angel"
posted at 03:24:15 on April 30, 2013 by Anonymous


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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988