Print
my update
By hurtallover
4/1/2013 7:12:18 PM
It's been a long time since I've posted on here. I got my feelings hurt by some anonymous posters a long time ago and decided to take a break. Also, my wife didn't like that I posted about her or our relationship and the easiest way to fix things was to stop posting.

BTW -I really dislike anonymous judgmental posters. I figure that we are all on here as broken people trying to lift people up. I wish the anonymous feature would go away.

what's working well --
Sobriety -- I've been working a 12 step program for about 2 years now. I have about a year of sobriety from masturbation and over 2 years of sobriety from porn and being/communicating with other people. I still have a healthy fear of relapse. Occasionally, I still imagine how much fun it would be to "X, Y and Z". then I think -- I was so miserable when I was acting out are you kidding me? time to make phone calls.

My program - I attend 12 step SAA meeting once a week and sometimes more. I love my group and the men in the program. I play facilitator every few months and I love making phone calls and taking phone calls. It has really helped me out when I'm suffering pain or resentments.

I'm far more sensitive to foul language and sexual situations on TV or movies. I turn things off now.

My language -- even my "inside my head" language has improved 1000%

Compassion -- I feel like I have way more compassion for others around me and judge less.

Temper - my temper has improved tons. example-I went on a family vacation to Disney for a week and had a bad battery, my car broke down with a bad AC , and I had a sick kid in the park. Before, I would have been a wreck and mean and nasty to everyone around me - family, kids, etc. I would have been a spew of foul language. I would medicate my bad feelings with sex or masturbation. Instead, I took it as it came.. I figured I cant control that but I can choose my behavior. It was stunning. I still not perfect, but way better.

Spirituality -- I feel like Christ understand me. I feel the peace of his spirit often. I feel his compassion. My reflections on the atonement and my spiritual understanding is growing again. My testimony in Christ and the atonement have grown a ton. When I drive, I tend to listen to Christian rock stations or my own collection that touches my heart. I cry all the time these days. I love it.

what I'm presently struggling with -

honesty -- My biggest thing. I still struggle with perfect honesty. I still occasionally embellish stories and minimize other areas. It drives me nuts why this is so hard. I'm way better than before but it is frustrating. If someone asks me a question flat out where I don't have a perfect answer.. What/How/Why --- the first thing that comes to mind is dishonestly as a defense mechanism. I have a ton of family of origin issues around this..

Church -- I have been struggling with the church. I hate being excommunicated. It's such a shameful, shunning process. Investigators and non-members have more rights than an excommunicated. I hate not being able to be say prayers. I have found most people think that excommunicates cant participate in discussions(I thought the same thing) in church even though my bishop says it's ok. I still don't because I imagine the people who "know" wondering why I'm talking and judging me. silly I know. not having a calling sucks. Excommunication is a full on shunning . My stake president has only seen me once in 2 years and rejected my request for an interview and told me to work through my bishop. I know he's busy but I feel like the lost sheep told to get the F&*# out .. you are too wicked to be with us. Sometimes, I wish they would just tell me to not bother coming to church. I did some terrible things and I probably needed a good 2x4 to figure it out and I want to believe that they were following what Christ wanted. I haven't had any spiritual confirmation of that yet. As you can see, I have a ton of resentments to work on in this area. I would really like to see less excommunications and more spiritual assistance for vile sinners. This really hurts.

anyways, I guess the summary is that I'm happier with who I am and the choices I make today than I was 2 years ago. I'm still a broken person but I'm getting more comfortable with myself. the work has been worth it and worth continuing to work.

thanks for everyone's support on here.

Comments:

SAA?    
"How is this different from SA? I have no idea :)

Glad to see you back. Yeah, those anonymous posters can be pretty frustrating. Agreed.

It sounds like things are going well for you. Keep it up :)"
posted at 21:16:40 on April 1, 2013 by g1rlie
Hey man    
"That's a bummer about the anonymous poster. I know one time I was kind of a dick about a post you made (it sounded condescending but on my reread realized that wasn't your intent). I've always felt guilty and never told you sorry even after you edited it to be in the "I" format. Anyway, sorry man. You've said some solid stuff that I appreciate. Think that's why I felt guilty - didn't want you believing I thought you were some ignoramus. I don't. Not that my opinion matters.

Anyway, glad you're doing good. And yeah, the excommunication thing is a conundrum for me too. I don't get it. Not that I think I didn't deserve it. I just don't see the point. It seems to serve no purpose for me. I guess I feel released in a way. That's nice. I guess."
posted at 22:35:12 on April 1, 2013 by they_speak
Hurtallover,    
"I know you're struggling with a few things but WOW, you are doing really well in so many others. Good job and keep sharing your example of what WORKS!"
posted at 15:11:25 on April 2, 2013 by Anonymous


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball