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Judas, Jesus, David, and me.
By they_speak
3/15/2013 10:57:37 AM
How do I do things different? Originally this was meant to be a blog about how to approach my recovery different than I always have when the dark mist overwhelms me...that I may not wonder off on strange paths and be lost. If you have any pointers on that specifically please, I'm all ears. Anyway, it turned into a weird ramble. I think it's the early morning excedrin talking but whatev, there's some good reminders in there for me.

I’ve been here before. I find some sobriety. I feel some sanity. Light looks brighter. Smells smell better. Memories are sweeter and clearer. Honestly,..I’m smarter. Less dull. Brighter. Maybe it’s the weather. And I start feeling optimistic. Like I can actually envision getting my 30 day chip. My 90 day chip. My 6 months, 9 month and, 1 year chip. Most of those would be nothing short of a miracle. Yet, if, one day at a time, I could feel how I’ve been feeling it seems it would be inevitable. But!, that’s just the problem. I’ve been here before and I always always always fall. It’s not when i’m working a program, loving Jesus and, feeling God all around that I need help. It’s not when I’m whole. Or at least feel whole. It’s when I’m sick. In sickness I need help and change and the ability to stay sober. It’s like...when I’m sick I’m not the person writing now. The person writing now would call his sponsor if he was in trouble. The person now would call on his Higher Power talk to his Higher Power laugh with his Higher Power and cry with his Higher Power. Right now I don’t have to drag myself to meetings. I want to go to meetings. Right now being patient or quickly course correcting in order to be patient with my wife seems natural. Right now I just...ah!, love God!!! I love loving God and being loved by God! Oh fetch I know sometimes I’m such a dick but me and God are pals and I miss Him so damn much when I get mad. I’m a dummy. A sell out silly dummy. I try to be all hardened and angry and a God hater but the truth is everyone knows I’m just a big softy for God. I can’t help it. Sometimes it drives me nuts. It’s like it’s in my DNA. God’s just gonna poke me in the ribs till I come around. No matter the atheistic logic I throw at Him. I’m a hopeless God romantic. Anyway, I digress. That light of God is so,..sanitizing! What is the Greek/Latin/whatever root of san or sanit? Hmm (looked it up. sanit - health. interesting.).

Either way I think you get my point. And yet, it’s like a switch. At any given moment the switch goes off. Honestly, few scriptures that I can think of relate better “And after the sop Satan entered into him. Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do quickly...” Both sentences! That’s the horrible thing. Calm down Kickit I know what you’re thinking. When the switch flips not only do I almost feel as if some sort of foreign personality becomes me but that in effect my God abandons me completely to it. Maybe that’s why I always end up hating Jesus...great now I’ve kind of bummed myself out. But really!, why does He forsake me!?! Only to take me back and try again? Does chemistry/Satan just trump Jesus and my desire for Him? Impossible! Or could it all just literally in my head? Regardless, when the switch flips it seems almost as if Jesus is like “get it over with pal I don’t know what to tell you...” And THAT'S the problem - i'm not going to call my sponsor, i'm not going to have effective prayers, i'm not going to not procrastinate and meet life on life's terms or do my dailies or go to meetings. That's the insanity! I don't work a program or make a connection when I'm crazy. Oh!, the humanity. I don’t get it. I really don’t. But again, my point is not how I may feel during supper (when I'm "sane"). That’s easy. Not easy to come by. But easy when I do come by it. But, what do I do when “Satan enter[s] into [me]”? Because it seems he always will. And if part of the personality of the person I seem to become is one that will utterly refuse to work a recovery program when that happens, what is to be done? Is all lost?

An answer to myself. Trust. “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me you might have peace. In the world you shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”. I don’t get how it’s going to work out. I’m scared and weak and pissing down my leg. But!, that’s the point. I’m NOT David. I’ll never be like David. And as long as I keep trying to be I’ll fail. I always have. Rather I’m like Israel on the side lines. Literally scared shitless. But, like Paul who understood he too was on the sideline I can put my trust in “David”! Boast in my weakness (step 1!)! Jesus!, has already slain my Goliath. The atonement is Now. I am weak. I will fall. But, is anything impossible for God (step 2)? No. I have nothing to loss by abandoning myself to trust. I certainly have no more to gain by abandoning myself to fear. But, the good news is wether I have trust or fear Jesus has already rushed the field, slung a rock, and without breaking stride jumped the lifeless body of the beast and cut off it’s head with his own sword!!! What a radical dude. Wether I’m destine for heaven or hell Jesus is one radical dude. I worry to much.

Comments:

Scared also    
"Because recovery is scary! I also worry about whether or not I will make it. This is some freaky stuff. Argh! Hang in there, They Speak. And, it's probably a good thing to not be like David...He killed a dude. :)"
posted at 14:52:34 on March 15, 2013 by g1rlie
@G1RLIE and @ THEY SPEAK=MY FRIENDS!!!!!!    
"HELLO, ACTING OUT IS FREAKIN SCARY!!!!!! ADDICTION IS SCARY!!!!!!! It cost of my life, my family, and every dangerous thing that comes with it. David is a weak man who totally got luck in my book to be in the book;) He total addict like me. Has sex with his bf wife....etc. He not cool to me. Yes, Jesus is the Ultimate of coolness!:) Judas betrays his best friend Jesus...I hate any friend who betrays me...even though I have betrayed my hub:(:( BUT I love the fact he been totally loyal to me this whole time. I love loyal, honesty humble people and both of you I KNOW you have that gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That why I love you both. I can feel it.
FAITH is such an AWESOME feeling. Faith NOT fear...I LOVE YOUR FIRST paragraph they speak...I seriously think that your name now;) AND I love your last paragraph first sentence. I need that implanted in my head. xoxo you both...I have 30 days now-now that really holy freak omg to me.....since I've never get that...it feels very cool:) I love feeling Higher Power spirit with me and It seriously makes me and comforts me I can be powerful in my weakness....I know this feeling won't last but I'm enjoying the moment of the high....:)"
posted at 17:41:56 on March 15, 2013 by marie sober
God Will-NOT my will.    
"cuz God knows what makes us the happiest.@THEY SPEAK-you have kids?"
posted at 17:45:33 on March 15, 2013 by marie sober
Just to clarify what I meant    
"...Since I didn't do it in the first place very well. All our lives we're directly or indirectly taught to have the faith of David and we can slay our giant's. But I heard a different spin on it that I really dug. The reason trying to be like David is impossible is because in that case he represents Christ. Like many other old testament stories. Moses. Abraham. Etc. The truth is we are all like Israel. Scared. With no answer. The point is not to try and be like David cause as we see even he, when trusting in the flesh - forgetting his power, fails. But to rejoice that we have a David (Christ!). I think the story teaches us maybe that it is normal/okay to be weak. Like Paul says he even boasts in his weakness! I never really beleived or understood that, Paul. In fact I hated Paul. Because, the message I was always taking home from church was be like David NOT Israel. But my weakness is teaching me that I'm actually exactly like Israel. Nothing like the young David or Christ who his story is a forecast of. I must quit trying to be the hero. Everytime I rush the field to take on Goliath he laughs, smashes me, and makes me doubt my God. I'm in all truth, if the 12 steps hold any weight at all, better off crying on the side lines in terror (admitting powerlessness). It seems counter intuitive. But what's the result? Satan gets his ass handed to him! Israel is set free! Inspite of their fears! It's a great story really.

But yeah... David really blows it in the end. Super sad. I still love David though. Love him."
posted at 18:25:18 on March 15, 2013 by they_speak
your wise    
"I can learn alot from you. period. I actually like Paul but we all have our differences...I'm reading the old testament now and havn't gotten to David yet. I loved reading Paul in the new testament...but again....I just know that the story about David and all I know about him is he more powerful than Goliath cuz he was acting in God Power;) and then when he adult had sex with bf wife...I'm at end of Joshua and super bored with old testament-hope it will get exciting....."
posted at 23:25:22 on March 15, 2013 by marie sober
Im not gonna lie    
"I could not follow this one. I can tell you were writing everything right out of your head, but I couldn't follow. I should probably study the bible more. That's my biggest issue, gospel study!"
posted at 00:28:34 on March 16, 2013 by mint
Mint    
"Join the club man. I don't even know what I'm talking about half the time. Seriously. But yeah, in this one I do rely on my audience to know what comparisons I'm making to who and what both in the Bible and the 12 steps and addiction and even to assume some context for how all of the above relate."
posted at 00:40:45 on March 16, 2013 by they_speak
Kickit    
"I've never fought you on the possession thing. I'm not sure now but I know at times you seemed to approach me as if I was. I never have. Nor would I. I wrote this nearly 3 years before you got here to school us all about the unclean spirits. It may not exactly be like what you're always referring to (and maybe it is) but I think it illustrates the fact that I'm not unacquainted with the idea of evil influence. Or casting that evil influence away. I think it was my second post. It's a comment on someone else's so you'll have to scroll down.

( http://ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=7063 )

Bare in mind I was on a crap computer with no built in spell check outside it's own word processor. I'm really embarrassed about my spelling...back before swype taught me to draw my words and auto correct could pick up the pieces."
posted at 00:57:17 on March 16, 2013 by they_speak
?    
"I'm having a hard time believing you read the link I posted."
posted at 04:17:38 on March 16, 2013 by they_speak
Look, Kick It...    
"For one....Has the possibility been considered that maybe it is not His will that all people's weaknesses be overcome in an instant....that maybe there are lessons to be learned in the struggle? For me, I feel it is His will for me to learn some things, including and especially self confidence, as I overcome my personal struggle.

Also, has the possibility been considered that maybe there are weaknesses within you that you, personally, may actually need to work hard to overcome?

So, has the thought ever been considered that God's will for one person, like for yourself, is not God's will for another?"
posted at 06:20:28 on March 16, 2013 by G1rlie
Kick it...    
"Pride cometh before the fall.
Your motivation for posting is pride not the desire to help. I'm worried about the longevity of your "recovery"."
posted at 23:24:41 on March 17, 2013 by Anonymous
well    
"what some call pride others call sassy mc frassa pants. I think it's actually the name of an unclean spirit Kickits Bishop missed."
posted at 00:56:48 on March 18, 2013 by they_speak
You're not alone, Kick It...    
"I'm gonna agree with Anon that there is some pride. So, what? You're just like the rest of us who are trying to change. We've all got pride, also. That's one of the factors that led us into addiction. And, sometimes, I am also cursed with this same sassy mcfrassa pants unclean spirit. :) (Maybe even right now...)"
posted at 08:12:23 on March 18, 2013 by g1rlie
Lol    
"On a serious note I agree with anonymous. I have little doubt that Kickit will act out again. Unless he finds recovery and a new heart like the millions of addicts who have found salvation before us. Addicts who had compulsions and unclean spirits. Addicts full of pride and fear. Addicts just like us. Honestly what good is having the addiction/compulsion removed if we are not humble? If we use it only to become a boastful malapert shaking our head in pathetic amusement at our brothers and sisters who still struggle? I want no part in such a superficial recovery."
posted at 14:54:28 on March 18, 2013 by they_speak
P.s.    
"Copy that Girlie. Sassy McFrassa Pants and I do the Cha Cha, the Jive, the Foxtrot, the Lindy Hop and the Mamba at least 10 times a day. At least. I think right now we're doing the Quickstep. No one is alone in that."
posted at 15:12:29 on March 18, 2013 by they_speak
OK Speak    
"I know you two don't like each other, but you're being a little too harsh on Kick It right now. I hope he never relapses, thereby proving us all wrong. Wouldn't that be better for everyone than if he does? Let's wish for others what we wish for ourselves...and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Aaron was accused of boasting and being prideful when he was really glorying in the Lord. How could that be? Apparently, the two things (boasting in yourself and glorying in the Lord) must be sufficiently similar that we can't always tell the difference.

Perhaps Kick It is glorying in the Lord, and some are mistaking it for boasting."
posted at 16:15:05 on March 18, 2013 by beclean
I too thought about Aaron before I posted.    
"If laughing at people because we think we are better off than them is apart of boasting in the Lord then - amen. You Beclean of all people with your keen awareness of semantics should know there is a huge difference between expecting failure and wishing it upon someone. I wouldn't wish relapse on my worst enemy. I think in Kickit's case it's a virtual inevitability. And I believe it will be a blessing. Of course unless you're right and he is actually boasting in the Lord. In that case, he sure has a funny way of doing it."
posted at 16:34:55 on March 18, 2013 by they_speak
I'll chime in here kids....    
"Well KICKIT is partly right...more then you know...but we are not all on the same "recieveing end" or ready to accept certain truths. The article he posted was spot on, + thus talked with my own therapist + she read it too...she was astonded...she never considered.

In the book THERE IS NO DEATH by Sarah Monet she discusses this exact thing when she had her OBE (out of body experience)...Furthermore Steve Cramer in his book PUTTING ON THE ARMOR OF GOD discusses in great detail who Satan is, his power + what he is capible of...so........if you dont know youre enemy, how do you expect to beat them? How do football teams defend against a rival team? They learn how they play...

Another personal experience was from a lady friend of mine who taught me about influences, but I didnt understand her comment + scoffed. She made the comment that while this man she knew was doing something there was an evil spirit in his presence + and when he relised and saw that the spirits mouth was moving + he was repeating the words this evil spirit said...she then commented that the evil-spirit left...

In my own personal experience I know how real the devil is...I have felt dark spirits personally + they have attacked me. Several occasions...We are in a world saturated with evil spirits and they are everywhere...the bible records there is about 7 evil spirits around people...we were the majority in heaven while here on earth, we are the minority...

Theres another story of I think Joseph F Smith, where an evil spirit chasted him for a year saying "The gospel isnt true!" I think it was this guy...

Dont be foolish...other counsel we recieved from Brigham Young was to read all the best books...if there is truth, then its good....it can help us

Now KICKIT is lucky...he is lucky...one shot and bam good to go, sometimes others will take along time to over come...I was one of the long timers.....in any rate we have to be "willing" to be free...and ultimatly let it go...

My friends...I can only speak from my experience...but I too was under the influence of Satan for many years...When I had my last panic attack in October , and after conferrnece, I had a blessing, and the gu giving me the blessing he did tell the evil spirits to leave...I DIDNT EVEN REQUEST THIS!!!!!!!! I got a tender mercy...a little gift and jump start.... alot of things have made sense in the last 6 mos...

I have gone a slightly different route to recovery then the 12 step program...was it right or wrong? I dont know but I have gained a certain insght from my experience...that I probably wouldnt have gotten any other way...

I can't share all my insight or knowledge yet but I can share one...

sometimes getting back up is all your required to do that day...

I would say healing is possible + so is hope, restoration, cleanliness, forgiveness + love......................

DONT LISTEN TO THAT VOICE THAT SAYS "YOU WONT MAKE IT" "YOU'LL NEVER BE BAPTISED" "

AND NEVER EVER LISTEN TO THE LIE "NO ONE LOVES YOU"

RUBUKE SATAN...AND TELL HIM NO ONE LOVES HIM...


take what you watch from this, this is all I have to say

-Warren"
posted at 19:11:52 on March 18, 2013 by skyteamst90
Be clean...    
"You're annoying."
posted at 19:42:07 on March 18, 2013 by Anonymous
Hm    
"Things got heated in here. I wonder if KickIt said "screw it" and left, or is just waiting for something. I've been in his shoes, people online can be rude. And I'm definitely not taking sides, i can just recognize when one person is getting the brunt of the attack. Does he deserve it? Idk.

He kind of sounded judgy, but it seems he has some experience. I'm not gonna lie I've written things like calling people pathetic because of the way they talk. Probably shouldn't have because it ruined the message, but can we see kickits message?

If you can, well you got something out of it. I think a different point of view is always refreshing. And I like someone who can fight back. I try to, lol but you guys always try to diminish it by saying your older.

Well im ranting. Group mentality sucks! Idk who's right and wrong here but I know that sucks"
posted at 20:18:28 on March 18, 2013 by mint
theyspeak...    
"Man, I am impressed!!!! How the hell did you know that mint was ******??? It just now occurred to me. Hello again, Mint. Welcome back!"
posted at 20:49:13 on March 18, 2013 by Anonymous
TheySpeak    
"You know I love you, right? I think we have a great thing. I just call things the way I see them. (Whether I'm right or wrong. Probably wrong.) I always have. You know that.

I know you don't wish a relapse on KickIt. I just thought we were laying it on our Brother pretty hard. I've done it, too, sad to say."
posted at 23:39:43 on March 18, 2013 by beclean
Yes thank you    
"You get it anonymous. I have my reasons but when he put me on there it kind of ruined that post. But I think it's getting too, open. Hmm."
posted at 23:43:06 on March 18, 2013 by mint
@Beclean    
"Of course man. I believe you and I play a similar game (in the way we communicate and what we value and look for in the process) and we play by similar rules. Hard to have too big of misunderstanding under those circumstances. I respect your mind. I would take a bullet for you. And "Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." ~Mahatma Gandhi

@anonymous. People - their spirits, their personalities - have a scent. Like animals. I guess I just have a good sniffer. I can feel peoples personality. Especially strong one's. That coupled with a few rational clues like general age rang etc.

@Mint I'm not sure what your last post meant but I hope I didn't ruin a fresh start for you or whatever. Spot on with "ruined the message". Exactly! And YES we can see Kickits message and in my opinion have welcomed it repeatedly with open arms. Though he seems to insist that we in the spirit of educated idiots are rejecting it. What has been rejected...particularly by me...is his need to belittle everyone into accepting his message.

@skyteam Dude, I dug your post. Honestly couldn't find anything I really disagree with in it. I always like your posts.

Okay kind of @Kickit but mostly just to random audience and myself - about the Kickit thing. I actually addressed it in meeting tonight and want to surrender it here too. Lust hasn't really been bothering me so during meeting I started trying to think of what other things might be edging in between me and God and my serenity. The thing that came to mind was resentment and obsessing about things I resent or can't control. As much as I wan't to believe I'm forever cool as a cucumber and hate to admit I feel resentment - I do sometimes. I mentioned how willing I seem to be to cut people to the core just to make a point. How I justify it because in my world and in my family argument is nothing personal as long as you play by certain rules of logic and are willing to always admit fallibility. Anyway, I realized that at times I do obsess and resent and am cold. I realized that as much as I want to control the out come of Kickit and I's interactions - weather it be to make him see my perspective or to reconcile and become buddies or whatever - I don't have to. It doesn't matter. I can surrender that obsession and see my part in it for what it is. I realized on the way home Kickit and I are like cowboy's and Indian's. It doesn't matter what they try their world views are so diametrically opposed that nothing will make them see eye to eye. And that's totally cool. It's out of my control. I know that if Kickit responds to this I'll probably not like a lot of what he says or how he says it. That doesn't give me license to resent or obsess. Even if I'm right. I wan't to change. I want to be happy. In order to do that I need to lead with my weakness. Or I'm screwed. So, there it is. Sorry for allowing myself to feel contention and resentment and sorry if I then shared that with others or caused it in others be it you Kickit or people who just read it. Bad form. We're all addicts. We all traverse trails of sorrow without me adding to it. I'm going to do better.


"
posted at 03:28:15 on March 19, 2013 by They_Speak
Being right    
"My therapist says, "You can be right, or you can be happy... But you can't be both."

I love that concept and it seems to be relevant to what you are sharing TheySpeak."
posted at 07:48:30 on March 19, 2013 by maddy
whoopsies    
"Ya, I've also felt some resentment towards Kick It. And I realize I have been in the wrong. The qualities in him I resent, I realize, are qualities I have, so it seems I am projecting myself onto him. Sorry, Kick It. I was wrong."
posted at 09:05:01 on March 19, 2013 by g1rlie
some good exchanges here    
"I enjoy.some of the exchanges here...sometimes can get that frustrations out...
THEYSPEAK you,ve come alway. You're doing better then you think. The ROD OF IRON that we are supposed to cling to, we're not to beat ourselves with.

Keep pressing forward..."
posted at 16:26:43 on March 19, 2013 by skyteamst90


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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988