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My Sexual Addiction History -in a nutshell
By asdfjkl1234
2/24/2013 5:45:48 PM
I am struggling right now and wanted to open up and at least share with random people that I can relate with about my history of Sexual Addiction. It's a bit graphic at times, but that's what I remember.

-I discovered masturbation one night when I was 12 years old. I was sleeping outside all by myself, I had an itch that we've all had "down there". Too much itching and eventually rubbing led to feelings that I had never in my life felt before. I honestly had no idea what it was. Never heard about masturbation, never learned about it. The next night, did it again out of curiosity. After that, I was hooked.

-Tried to read up on it during high school and figure out what I was doing. Eventually the word masturbation came up and I thought that was what I was doing, so I tried to quit. But I couldn't. It was a regular thing before falling asleep. It was relaxing, it made me feel good, it was nice.

-Got one of my only serious girlfriends my Junior Year of high school. She was a year older than I was by a year and way more physical that I wanted to be...at first. I had never even kissed a girl until her. We made out A LOT. Kissing led to necking. Necking led to dry humping in cars, couches and empty houses. One night I was at her parents house, no one home, we were making out, and humping each other, when a moment came that I KNEW "if I take her into the bedroom and lie on her bed, we are going to have sex". We were leaned up against her bedroom door. LUCKILY I just couldn't do it. After several months, and months of my parents telling me not to do what I am doing, we broke up. She wanted to get married and I was still in High School. That ended that. Much masturbating at this point.

-Went on a mission. I was clean and sober for a few months before leaving. During my time in the MTC, I started masturbating again. It was depressing that I had failed before I even left the country, but it is what it is. I had problems with MB all throughout my mission. At one point, my companion even caught me MB in bed one night. He confronted me, we argued, the next day he told me that HE has had those problems as well and that he wanted to help me. We never got along much after that.

-Came home, continued to masturbate occasionally at night, or in the shower. Went to college. Met a few girls. One in particular I started to like a lot We kissed a lot she taught me how to french kiss, one night it was late, nothing to do, we went out to a field in the middle of nowhere, started making out. Long story short, cops showed up looking for someone else, told us to go home, (with fogged windows and all). Went over to drop her off at her house, started making out, hands got out of control, touched her breasts outside her shirt, then slipped into her shirt under the bra. I actually was "released" while all this was going on. After I went, I snapped out of what was going on, went home, didn't go to church the next day, confessed to my bishop, vowed never to do that again.

-That woman was the woman that I eventually ended up marrying. During courtship, we were naughty. Back massages without her shirt on, lying on top of each other to "Feel" each other, making out, necking, etc. No sex. All during this time, continually masturbating at night.

-A couple years into our marriage, I was bored one day. Overwhelmed, bored and feeling lonely. I was curious about what porn looked like, so I searched for something naughty, found exactly what I was looking for. The next several months and years I binged on Porn and masturbation at home, at school, anywhere I could get it. I had to study a lot at the library because it was quiet. Sometimes I would go to the library for the express purpose of looking up porn and masturbating in the bathroom. No one knew. Life at home became unmanageable. We fought all the time, I would leave on my own "Find Myself" trips, which I never found myself. I actually missed classes a few times due to my obsession with porn. It controlled me. I eventually told my wife about it. We were very close to getting a divorce. Months and months of misery.

-Since then, I have relapsed a few times for several months at a time. During one of my relapses, I lived close to my parents. They were notified of what was going on with me. My dad came over and kept giving me advice on what to do and how to be. I said "You have no idea what I've been through and what it's like to have such a strong addiction". He then came back and said "Yes I do, I was sexually molested when I was a kid by a family friend". I had no idea that happened. That was what snapped me out of my relapse. I got out of the hole I dug for myself and was feeling better.

-Still masturbate occasionally in bed with my wife sleeping right next to me, or in the shower, or whenever I can get alone.
-Still look at porn occasionally when I am feeling down, frustrated, or alone.
-Fight with my wife occasionally, especially when we are talking about visiting her parents or family. I REALLY don't want to hang out with them.

In a nutshell, that is a brief history of where I have been and what I have been up to. If I were to get divorced, we would have done it while I was at school. At least I think that's when it would have happened. Sometimes I still wonder if our marriage is going to last. I am still struggling, and I don't have a large support system in place to help me through. I feel like I can't open up to my wife at all.

So there you go.

http://ldsandaddicted.blogspot.com/

Comments:

blog    
"Hey man, read your blog and commented on it. We can all try and help each other when we can! Good luck on your road to recovery."
posted at 08:51:18 on February 25, 2013 by recovery.gdo
Wow    
"What a deal. I feel for you. Doesn't it sound good .... just the thought of being FREE of all this crap we are in to? I have a story too.... makes me ache to think about it.... all the wasted time, the people I've hurt.... where I could be right now but ain't cause of addiction.... because of my wrong decisions years ago....

I don't know what to tell you... I hope you can find it within yourself somewhere to finally grab this demon by the neck and squeeze the life out of it. I hope I can too.

On here, we have friends... this is my first day on this site and I have been checking it out.. It is another "source" another good thing we have to put into place....

This is my day ONE also of sobriety... yup.... I know how it goes.... Trust me... I know the drill..... I am gearing up for the next WAVE.... I have my "tools" and need to use them constantly....

Best wishes to you.... I really mean that."
posted at 14:30:03 on February 26, 2013 by itstime
What a waste!!!!    
"Gee, you were making out and had a 'release.' The same thing happened to me with the guy that I lost my virginity to. We were at the theatre watching "Midway" We really had not made out much and I had my hand in a certain area, not really doing much just some mild squeezing and then I felt him come. He sort of slunked in his seat and I told him it was o.k., just go and clean up. He came back and right there in the theatre I gave him his first 'blow job.' It was so wonderful to feel that. I was all hot and bothered at that point, so when we got home, in his parents family room I lost my virginity. It was a double feature in more ways than one.

What I want to know is why isn't your wife in on any of this? Even if she won't go down on you (all that you can't make babies that way church stuff), she would probably enjoy making you feel good. I will bet you she is doing a little herself. Try some mutual time together. Forget all that 'Lonesome Dove" time. Involve her.

If you have to watch 'porn' I suggest you get some of those blue HBO adult ones, where it shows a lot of 'humping' but no insertion of anything...no come in the mouth or on face stuff, that will not get the desired effect. I will bet you, unless she is totally frigid, it may get her going and make things more enjoyable."
posted at 21:35:16 on February 26, 2013 by Anonymous
OOOOH!, beautiful! ^^^have you guys heard this one^^^    
posted at 21:53:37 on February 26, 2013 by they_speak
what a troll    
"Move on buddy. Not sure you knew, but you're not invited"
posted at 19:03:15 on February 27, 2013 by asdfjkl1234
don't let anon trigger you    
"I can write fiction, too.

To anyone who thinks anon's story is hot and causing their minds to run...realize that it's not a true story. No one does all that and THEN loses their virginity. Anon is most likely a 59-year-old man, balding, alone, and 250 pounds sitting in all his filthy nakedness in front his computer hoping he can (like the devil) tempt one of us to do something stupid. Before you imagine him as some beautiful girl, realize you are being used by a true pervert, a child of hell. The devil is using this man (like Zeezrom) with a beer gut and fat rolls up his back and garbage littered all around his computer desk to help him tempt others. For his sake, I hope he can change, like Zeezrom did, and become a servant of the Lord.

Of course, I recognize my description of this physical person may be wrong, and I am granting him a fun response to his trolling, but I'm certain I'm not too far off from the state of his spirit, and I just want everyone who would be triggered by his fiction to realize IT IS NOT TRUE. My fiction is way closer to the truth--to things as they REALLY are."
posted at 10:03:15 on February 28, 2013 by beclean
Asdfjkl    
"Thank you for sharing your story. Hang in there and keep coming back:)"
posted at 16:27:14 on March 2, 2013 by g1rlie
Asdfjkl    
"Thank you for sharing your story. Hang in there and keep coming back:)"
posted at 16:34:33 on March 2, 2013 by g1rlie
thanks girlie and everyone    
"I hate trolls who ruin peoples posts. Drives me nuts. I figured I would throw out my history and see if other people can relate as well as maybe share their successes and what worked for them. I'll keep coming, as long as posts stay positive ;). Thank you."
posted at 17:33:38 on March 2, 2013 by asdfjkl1234
Well, I missed you here    
"And, it's about time I said thank you to you for helping me on that day I really needed support because I broke things off with Greg. So, thanks. :)"
posted at 08:25:33 on March 4, 2013 by g1rlie
The responses to responses are funny.    
"Some of the responses to the 'troll' are funny. BTW, troll is so 1990's. You guys need to come up with a new word."
posted at 10:46:06 on March 4, 2013 by karriew
Cure the Craving    
"Have you looked at the Tony Lister "Cure the Craving" program? He has a website and some You Tube videos. He offers some good advice and counsel about breaking the cycle of addiction to p&m that is very insightful. He is also LDS (not that it matters). Best of Luck!"
posted at 16:42:39 on March 5, 2013 by Anonymous


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"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990