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Sinspiration
By g1rlie
2/21/2013 3:23:15 PM
So, last night at work, I was really upset with some guy that figuratively threw me under the bus and pretty much made it look like I was the one who did something to hurt some poor guy at work. Then, this morning, I chose to think way too many inappropriate sexual thoughts. In essence, it seems, I was serving the adversary by being angry and by thinking inappropriate thoughts.

So......

After the gym, I went home and looked in my husband's office to look for chocolate. Then, I remembered a secret phone he confiscated from me. Since I had been serving the adversary by choosing ungoldy attitudes and thoughts, I received immediate sinspiration on where my phone was (at least that's how it seemed to me). It amazed me that I found it. We have moved since the time this phone was confiscated. It kind of scares me to think of where the sinspiration of where to find my phone came from.

Oh, I wanted to buy a secret phone card and give Greg my phone number so we could talk and make plans to meet up for the purpose of acting out for hours on end....After all, I don't know of anything that feels as (temporarily) wonderful as my favorite drug.......

But, there is a slight problem. I remember how it Was. And I remember why it is that I have wanted so long to be all of the way out of any situation with Greg. When I am active in my addiction, I feel like I am starving to death (in a sexual way) and I have not died. I feel like I have an itch that, if scratched, does not go away, but the itch gets only WORSE. It feels impossible to get enough of that drug. And withdrawal from that feels like I will die without my drug. Then, I realize I must go through emotional as well as sexual withdrawal. The pain from emotional withdrawal is so intense that I have often returned to Greg just to find temporary relief from the pain. Except then I enter a state of what feels like perpetual withdrawal. And that really sucks.

After praying a LOT....the Third Step Prayer and the Our Father prayer.....I was able to surrender my right to talk to Greg and I broke that phone in half. Breaking this phone made me feel like I'd vomit....Oh, I miss him Badly.

Except I know a secret.....The Love of God is most desirable above ALL things. The Love of God can give me lasting joy and satisfaction in this life. Being used by Greg, in contrast, eventually just makes me feel like I want to die. And I know I was made for greater things than this. I know that I am a daughter of God. And I know that I am making progress. God is prospering me by degrees. I am grateful to Him for all of the small steps of progress He has helped me to make. On my own, trying to overcome, I just made progress in the opposite direction I'd like to go. I just became, more and more, a prisoner.

Luckily, I only need to worry about one day at a time. Or, sometimes, five minutes at a time. Today, I can commit to staying sober. Tomorrow, I can act out all I want to (although I plan on Not doing this...). But today, I will stay sober.

Comments:

YES!    
"YES YES YES YES YES!

Way to go, G1RLIE!! Way to surrender to your REAL lover, the lover of your soul who WILL feed you and bless you and satisfy you completely when you are faithful to him.

The fruit of the tree of LIFE is not as sweet as the other fruit at first (in fact, as you pointed out with withdrawal, the good fruit can be bitter at first), but it will become sweet to us as we sacrifice our selfish desires to serve God.

So proud!"
posted at 15:48:29 on February 21, 2013 by beclean
2 sides to my thoughts    
"One side says, if I were your spouse I would leave you. Marriage is and will always be sacred. I know this is an addiction but if I married you without knowledge of it, then this is simply betrayal. That is from a husband point of view.

As an addict, I think your awesome for fighting this. Great that you didnt call. I hope you keep fighting these urges"
posted at 17:31:10 on February 21, 2013 by Anonymous
so,    
"as an addict and a husband you're 2 different people? One with mercy and understanding. One without... Glad I'm not your wife."
posted at 21:46:33 on February 21, 2013 by Anonymous
ignore anonymous    
"As always, ignore anonymous."
posted at 23:55:16 on February 21, 2013 by beclean
Girlie    
"Way so go sista. I can feel the victory. You just scored another point for Jesus! Go Team!!!!!!!!"
posted at 00:40:34 on February 22, 2013 by Anonymous
"Simply betrayal"    
"Blanket statements. Nice. Love it.

Lol "sinspiration". Man, copy that! I wish my instinct for surrender was as brilliant as my instinct for lust.

Great job! It's funny, watching you struggle (I think maybe because you paint a vivid picture with your openess and honesty) gives me a glimpse into what others may observe in my behavior. From the outside looking in its always so easy to see the way. So obvious. And yet, as I know too well, when you're smack dab in the middle of the labyrinth with an enormous Minotaur charging you at every turn finding your way out can prove to be such a... bizznich. The steps and the program seem to be Ariadne's golden thread. Well done, Theseus."
posted at 02:15:45 on February 22, 2013 by they_speak
.    
"@BeClean and Jesus Anon--Thanks:). I'm trying.

@They_Speak-- Yep, wouldn't it be great if our inspiration for surrender was as astounding as our instincts to lust? And....Yeah, sometimes it seems obvious to me, also, what other people should and should not do and, I hate to admit my hypocrisy, but sometimes I think things like, "Ew! Why would that 65 year-old dude make that 25 year-old escort do him? That's just rude!" Then, I remember my own insanity."
posted at 06:00:39 on February 22, 2013 by g1rlie
title?    
"Girlie, hi-I join!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this site!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that this might help a lot in my recovery. Writing for me is very theraputic......You are a Angel.:) your sa friend. Wait, your sa friend in recovery program-that sounds better..hahaha"
posted at 23:32:55 on February 22, 2013 by marie sober
love your title Sinspiration! ;)    
":)"
posted at 23:41:09 on February 22, 2013 by marie sober
Question???    
"Girlie.... I need to talk to you.. I have the same situation but with a female. (I'm a male).. Is there anyway to talk... or is this the only way with this blog? I am knew here and would love to correspond with someone who has the same kind of thing happening. I have been in a relationship for just over 2 years.... it's crazy... we try and try to "let go"... and we have progressed but it is tearing me up. We haven't gone "all the way"... but close enough and the last time was at least a half year ago.... but we still have "light" contact via text and email... can we talk somehow.... or is this the best way? Thanks Girlie.... (there is much more to the story....I have to go....but will talk more later... thanks)"
posted at 03:11:59 on February 27, 2013 by itstime
its time    
"Stick with other males. There is NOTHING you and Girlie could offer each other one-on-one, outside of this forum or within a group at a meeting. There are plenty of men who have had affairs and who could help you. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt but just so you know, you should not be requesting contact with anyone of the opposite sex on this forum."
posted at 06:14:12 on February 27, 2013 by Anonymous
Sorry    
"I had no bad intentions at all...REALLY!!!! The day of my comment was my first day on here and knew very little of the workings of this site... (still do) but I'm learning. Thanks anonymous for the advice...."
posted at 00:44:15 on February 28, 2013 by itstime
I take it back    
"I'm sick of being a pleaser.... I am NOT sorry.... me wanting to talk with Girlie has NOTHING to do with her being a girl. She has a similiar situation as me and I NEED HELP... I just wanted someone to talk with.... so stick it. And again, I was new here and had no idea how this whole program worked...."
posted at 10:19:29 on March 1, 2013 by itstime
Its time,    
"Sorry, Bro. You're right. It just sounded fishy. Sometimes our subconscious can have ulterior motives that we're not even aware of. Like why not ask theyspeak? He's had affairs and actually walked THROUGH them and come out the other side. Girlie is in a precarious place. But I take you at your word. I apologize.
And way to stick up for yourself."
posted at 11:16:24 on March 1, 2013 by Anonymous
Thanks    
"wow, what a nice response. :) I appreciate that. And for me to sat "stick it"... was a little harsh. I do apologize for that. But this is legit.... I am married... this other woman is married... I made a serious mistake of opening my heart to her.... I am absolutely crazy about her and we are trying REAL hard to "let go".... We haven't had sex, but have come close just once. And that was about a year and a half ago. We have stayed in touch here and there via texting and an occasional call. I know the best thing would be to cut EVERYTHING cold turkey.... but .... wow... I just can't seem to do it. And thus when I read girlie's blog I was interested in what she may have done or is doing that has helped her.

Thanks anonymous for not taking up the defenses when I said what I did. I was in a "mood" when I said those things.... And btw, it did feel good to "stick up for myself" for once. (even though I still didn't need to say "stick it".)

Thanks again. :)"
posted at 15:43:20 on March 1, 2013 by itstime
oopss....    
"I made a typo in first line of my last reply... SAY not SAT..... say "stick it".... sorry :)"
posted at 15:44:30 on March 1, 2013 by itstime
i happen to agree    
"You should probably contact to They Speak or a sponsor or counselor or just attend 12-step groups or post questions to this site. Your options are plentiful before you go calling or texting g1rlie. I believe your intentions are good, but that doesn't make it safe. If you decide that none of the options I've suggested will help you get the answers you need and that you just must talk one-on-one with g1rlie, I recommend you invite your wife to be part of every conversation. That will help keep things safe.

You may tell me to stick it, but I'm Just looking out for you and g1rlie. Why place yourself intentionally in a compromising situation considering your history, even if your intentions are good?"
posted at 09:48:35 on March 2, 2013 by beclean
Yeah dude    
"Talk to me goose."
posted at 14:00:15 on March 2, 2013 by they_speak
Thanks    
"Oh for heavens sake.... I didn't mean to CALL her or TXT her .. YOU KIDDING!!!! No.. I met just on here, if there was a way to talk to just her via this undisclosed emailing.... Thats all. No.. trust me... I am a married man... and have been through "hell"... and DON'T want to make that mistake again. Thanks for caring. :) After exploring this site for the past 5 days I can see that there is no one on one emailing.... so whatever I write to anyone is for all to see and thats ok... Well... thanks BECLEAN... and thats what I'm trying to be.. is CLEAN. 5 days sobriety for me.... and eternity to go. :)"
posted at 14:27:54 on March 2, 2013 by itstime
@It's Time    
"The Only thing that has helped me to stop (or at least make progress to that end) is going to the meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. Been going to a meeting almost daily has helped so much. By working the steps and attending meetings, I have learned how to let God help me to stop. I still struggle a lot, though. I miss Greg so much every day. But God is beginning to restore me to sanity.

What would you like to talk about?"
posted at 15:24:41 on March 2, 2013 by g1rlie
I see.    
"Well, then, that's good. So, post your questions. The ones you wanted to ask G1rlie and/or They Speak. You can address them to "Only those who have been through what you're going through," and then you will only get answers from those who think they have something to add to that. ;)"
posted at 15:25:33 on March 2, 2013 by beclean
Thanks Girlie    
"What would I like to talk about? Well.. wow... I miss her. The thought of never kissing her again HURTS!!!! I hope for a time hopefully in the future that we can be together the "right" way. And I really believe it isn't just physical... I take that back.. I KNOW it isn't just physical... It has mainly been and emotional affair. (they are probably worse) Harder to let go of those I think.
iI have a good wife who knows of what happened but doesn't know to what extent things happened. And she doesn't want to know. My "friends" husband knows too and wants to know EVERYTHING. We are backing off... and have been. I have only seen her twice this year and it was for a very short time......
Crazy...... I know.... but so real...so hard..... the guilt is tremendous...yet letting go of her totally almost seems impossible.... :("
posted at 01:45:08 on March 3, 2013 by itstime
closing the door    
"For me closing the door on her completely eventually led to the death of my feelings for her. I think as long as you keep the door open to her mentally, emotionally and in reality you will struggle.

For some time my feelings would bubble up with overwhelming power but I was somehow able to see and feel the truth of the fact that she was not good for me (she was psycho - I lo-o-ove psycho...uhg) and shut the door again and again, and again. Now looking back two and half years I also realize, though I didn't at the time, that focusing on my relationship with my wife also helped me forget about her.

For Girlie it's difficult cause this Greg fellow is a scheming wacko that won't leave her alone. He may die of old age though so that will provide some decent closure for her ;) If your lucky like me your girl friend for one reason or another will leave well enough alone when YOU actually commit to the end and re-commit to your wife. Otherwise, get a divorce. What's stopping you? That's the question. There's some reason you don't run away with this gal. Build on that if that's the direction you want to go."
posted at 11:37:41 on March 3, 2013 by they_speak
How?    
"Close the door on her completely? I think I will always struggle with this. I wish I was good at explaining myself like so many are able to on here. I feel like my brain is shut down at times. :) I do need to re commit to my wife for sure, as as to whats keeping me from getting a divorce? MANY THINGS... in any order, they are: My wife is soooo good, she doesn't deserve this. My kids, and family.... though we are almost empty nesters. .... This other woman doesn't want a divorce from her husband either... to much heart ache.... I think a divorce in THIS situation would be a sin too..... We just need to back off from each other and then HOPE for a day when we can come together the right way. But TODAY... in the here and now... wow.. I can't cease to dream of her. I love her... I really really do..... And again... say what you want anyone... but it is SO much emotional and not just physical....

I will keep working at it.... seriously, I will.... (we) will...... Wow... what a situation.... I don't want to EVER have this happen again... it has been hell... And I'm not kidding... I have never known such misery as I have the past 2 years..... you'd think I could just "let go" if it is so painful...... but.... I can't..... I want to hang on to a thread here and there.. I don't want her gone.... sad :("
posted at 22:58:51 on March 3, 2013 by itstime
@It's Time    
"I didn't want Greg gone, either. In my SA White Book, it says, "There Is life after lust!" And in the margin, I wrote, "Life after love?" The thing I have with Greg is also both physical and emotional (though it is based on lust). But, eternal togetherness of families is important to me. Also, through doing Step 11, I've come to realize that God's will for me is to be the best wife (to my husband) and mother I can be.

It's been really, really hard to overcome this thing I've had with Greg--especially because of my heart. But, I realize it's really just a codependency sort of thing. A lady from SA who has been through what I am going through (and what it sounds like you are going through) told me that getting over the other person comes in phases. For me, it seems like this is true. First, I broke things off with him (in August). Haven't been with him physically since then. Now, contact with him is becoming less and less frequent. And my feelings for him are also becoming less. I keep slipping when it comes to the email, but then I just deactivate that email account and try again. It's really hard. For me, going cold turkey hasn't worked.

Seriously, I can relate to this thing with "brain is shut down at times". But for me, it's because I had stepped over the line to the adversary's side like in George A. Smith's quote: " If you cross to the devil's side of that line ONE INCH you are in ... you will not be able to think or even reason properly because you will have lost the Spirit of the Lord." Luckily, God is Slowly restoring me to sanity. Wish this would happen faster, but it isn't. Oh, well.

Grateful that many years ago I learned there is no such thing as a "soul mate" and that if I fall in love once, it doesn't mean I will always feel that way for the person.

Dude, this IS really hard. Don't give up. If you really want to try to give up this person, there really is hope. Have you tried going to an ARP or an SLAA meeting? These are really helpful. For me, I also go to SA and this has been the most helpful thing (since my issue is based on lust). I wish you well. You are in my prayers. This sort of thing hurts soooooooooooo much...loving some person it seems you maybe shouldn't be with (familial obligation etc). Just don't give up. And when you fail, don't be too hard on yourself. We addicts are powerless to overcome our addictions. But what we Can do is keep starting again. Eventually, we will overcome.

PS--Working the steps REALLY works. I am for real."
posted at 07:55:28 on March 4, 2013 by g1rlie
@It's Time    
"Soooo...What's your story? You gonna do a blog, or what? :)"
posted at 08:04:57 on March 4, 2013 by g1rlie
Girlie    
"Hello. Thanks so much for all your words. I will do a blog... it will take some time. It's a long story but I will and want to share. I need to. I want to. I need help. I hurt bad. Sorry for all your pains too. I don't believe in soul mates either.....but this woman... wow, she's amazing to me. We "fit" so well.... life would be incredible. WHEW>>>> I shouldn't even dwell on it. We have spent time together over the past 2 and 1/2 years.... just occasionally at parks mainly....walking, talking... ALL OF WHICH IS SIN...of course.... but did it any way. And now, I'm (we're) paying the price.... cause we fell in love and can't do anything about it. (forbidden love)..... If I could go back... That first moment I had those feelings for her I would of nipped them in the bud.... but no.... I had to email her and come out with how I felt..... she answered back saying she felt them too. (she was a co-worker and married as I am).... I don't work there any more. Got fired. Mainly because of her I believe. (meaning our relationship.. SHE didn't get me fired).... There are some miles between us...a good hours drive. I saw her last thursday night for about 20 minutes ... just long enough for a little talk and a hug. (one kiss too) ...... oh boy......... I don't do meetings. I have a hard time opening up at those things. I tried one once... Life Star... and well.... Thats not my cup of tea. As far as the addiction thing goes, I would rather use this type of site, work on things with my wife and also my brother. Meetings don't do it for me. I have all the books, the scriptures, and support from family..... bishop too.

But you know Girlie, I can't stop thinking about her. I''m so crazy about her. Her voice, her eyes, her nose.... her hair..... everything!!! She is so cute. So kind and a nut! She is what I always wanted. I miss her. And the thought of getting to the point where we are totally cut out of each others life..... kills me. I would almost rather be dead. Silly huh? And you mentioned how as time goes on you have "less and less feelings for Greg". I don't want this woman to have less and less feelings for me!!! I want it to stay alive... Yet... I'm not hers and she's not mine. She has a husband...sealed in the Temple... wow......

Crazy world. It's all so interesting..... We sure do reap what we sow, don't we. (statement)
Well, I'm reaping and crying. I miss her.

I'll blog in the coming days. Thanks for your thoughts. And best wishes to you in your healing too. I do believe in God. I know He's there and cares. I know it.

Take care. I'll be back. :)"
posted at 12:14:23 on March 4, 2013 by itstime
It's not silly    
"...because I have felt similarly about Greg. But I also feel/felt tons of lust for Greg. In doing step 11, though, I Really realized Greg is not God's will for me. So I need to stop. Plus, the bishop told me I must have zero contact with this man. Oh, well.

I look forward to reading your blog. :)"
posted at 17:39:10 on March 4, 2013 by g1rlie
how?    
"I've heard God works. I certainly can't account for how I did it.

This made me think of us. When false lovers become our god:

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkZg1ZflpJs )

p.s. the video may or may not be your style but I think the lyrics are worth considering."
posted at 18:49:20 on March 4, 2013 by they_speak
what would it really be like?    
"So, if you took the plunge and the next time you saw this woman you made out, then made love, what would that do? How would it impact your relationship with your wife? What about with your kids? How would it affect your work (if at all) and your church service/membership? What would happen to your friendships? What would you think of yourself?

I believe we bring about the things we think about all the time. You obviously desire this woman, and the feeling is mutual. So, if you keep thinking about it, it's going to happen. And what will be the REAL results of that?"
posted at 20:14:45 on March 4, 2013 by beclean
Thanks    
"I will check out step 11 and will get working on my blog. Thanks Girlie. And "they speak"? The youtube link didn't work??? maybe it's on my side, i don't know. And "be clean"? Your right. Thoughts are indeed powerful. We are the architects of our destinies. Wow, I got so much to do for me, for my family.... wow..... It's overwhelming... one step at a time I suppose.

I'm nervous."
posted at 01:18:16 on March 5, 2013 by itstime
Fixed the link    
"And if your asking me about my user name I've posted about it before but I don't mind sharing it over and over and over because it reminds me to listen for my True Love.

The beauty of the trees,
the softness of the air,
the fragrance of the grass,
speaks to me.

The summit of the mountain,
the thunder of the sky,
the rhythm of the sea,
speaks to me.

The strength of the fire,
the taste of salmon,
the trail of the sun,
and the life that never goes away,
they speak to me.
And my heart soars."

~Chief Dan George

It came to me at a time when God speaking through all these wonders (Job 12:7-10 Alma 30:44) was about the only joy I had left...and I didn't deserve it at all. Still don't."
posted at 02:04:20 on March 5, 2013 by they_speak
Wow    
".....wow. Jk. :)"
posted at 07:30:43 on March 5, 2013 by Anonymous
Yes, you do.    
"!"
posted at 08:44:39 on March 5, 2013 by Anonymous
@They Speak    
"That was an interesting video. And true."
posted at 14:57:56 on March 5, 2013 by g1rlie


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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002