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Update...or more appropriately titled...TMI
By summer
1/17/2013 10:01:45 PM
I wish I could say I'm farther along than I am. I feel that my codependency is going really well...really well actually. I of coarse want my husband to be faithful...but I realize I can do nothing to make him be. I learned this the hard way...I was having a very hard time!, super depressed and my husband was being ridiculously understanding...I thought, "wow he get's it, he really get's the pain his actions caused me. He'll never do that again."...If there was one time I would swear my husband would be clean it would have been then, not so...he acted out right after, I believe even the night he was consoling me and comforting me. To fill you in this is why I was so depressed... I was having terrible terrible sexual dreams (images from my husbands addiction that I saw...I have a yucky library in my head). I've always had them, ever since I found it on the computer...but my reaction to them changed. I use to wake up screaming and confused. Then something weird...I started to have night orgasms. Never had a problem with that. My "sex" feelings were only being with my husband. I kid you not...I used to only think of my husband, dream of him, and desire only him. I get that's weird...but it was a pretty sweet gig for me and it was a special gift I had no problem giving my husband....serious no effort at all! After the seeing images my husband viewed...I have have a new "curiosity"...I have no desire to go and look up pornography!...Its just the everyday living...Run into an attractive dude, and my mind wonders. I try to refocus as soon as possible. But again this was never a problem before. I hate it. I loved only having eyes for my husband. I feel dirty. I have discussed this with the bishop...the dreams are so frequent that I really felt I must be doing something wrong. Bishop says I'm not sinning...good thing cause I can't stop it. More along the lines of TMI...the dreams also dork with my sex drive while with my husband. Being that I've already gotten "there"...orgasming again is really quite difficult if not impossible. I've heard about dudes getting Erectile dysfunction from viewing porn and masturbating...so it kinda makes sense that I'm having difficulties. This is going to be a little pitty party moment so bare with me...but I use to be a pretty easy get it done kinda gal...and I really miss that!...petty but its how I feel. I know I could fake it for the hubby...and maybe I should (if he wanted me to), but he has always asked me to please never fake it...and I'm as honest as they come so I don't. Despite the fact that every woman I have ever talked to about "faking" does. I guess I never had to...so it hasn't been an issue. Just so this is out there...I LOVE to be intimate with my husband, even without the orgasms just being close to him is a comfort that I really really need and desire, and it's a connection. I guess the carnal (wo)man in me just wants the finale. I've heard of women who were exposed to porn, from their husbands, being able to heal from it and have the images erased from their memory. Why not me? Why do I have the crappiest memory in the world...but when it comes to the "junk" (pun intended) I've seen I have a photographic memory. Also I've never heard of any woman having night orgasms to what in the daytime would royally freak them out...Anyone?? I should probably be attending more (or at least some) meetings.
Am I gonna get moderated for this one? Tell me if I need to take it down.
Thanks peps,

Comments:

Good to hear from you!    
"On the "moderate" note I think meetings and this forum are a place we learn to surrender our triggers NOT control them. But, I didn't feel like it was to much info anyway. Didn't bother me personally a bit.

I'm just glad to hear from you. And hopefully it was good to be heard from. Sounds like stuff that might be good to get off your chest so you can see that you're not weird. Sorry it's a struggle. I like to remember "what we resist persists". Hope you're not fighting to hard. Even those images you saw. Maybe surrender and non-attachment can help you like it helps shlameals like me :)

Good luck gir-r-rl *gangsta accent*"
posted at 01:03:03 on January 18, 2013 by they_speak
Lust    
"Cannot be satisfied. And after you get married, it wears off, eventually. So, yes, it can be difficult to be sexually satisfied with the hubs when we lust on other men I know from experience :/.

I have also had these dreams and they freak me out because then I am so triggery the next day. I did find a helpful tip on lessening these types of dreams in the SA White Book on p. 95 "Many of us also, before going to sleep, surrender our lust again and ask to be kept free of it throughout the night. We discovered we had to surrender the entire self, subconscious included, for lust had permeated our entire being. " Following this tip has helped me so much. Whew! Maybe it will work for you, also."
posted at 06:41:15 on January 18, 2013 by G1rlie
Thanks, Summer!    
"Definitely good to hear from you again.

Let me say that your post has impacted me greatly. I'm so thinking about my wife right now, praying that she won't suffer what you are suffering. If I had to choose between a beautiful, unselfish, caring, spiritual wife like mine who barely thinks about herself and barely thinks about sex--including sex with me--and a wife who thinks sexy thoughts about me all the time, but she also fights a lust addiction like mine because I INTRODUCED HER TO IT, I know exactly what I would choose. The one who rarely thinks about me or sex at all. But that's not because I would love her any less if she had these struggles. It's because I don't want my wife to go through what I have been through!! She's had battles enough because of my problems. I pray that my past actions will not have that effect on her! Oh, I hate this sin!!

Not that I am in any way suggesting that you have a lust problem, Summer. I don't think you do.

I remember a high school friend of mine who seemed so perfect in every way, and I really believe he was an exceptional kid. One day, he said that he gets horrible, hellish nightmares all the time. He believed that it was Satan's best shot at freaking him out and unsettling him, and I think that's probably true. Satan probably couldn't tempt this kid to do anything wrong, so he simply scared him every night.

My OPINION, Lucifer knows he couldn't get to you directly during the day, so he's working on you hard indirectly, especially at night. He is working through your husband, and he is working through your dreams. And if he can get you to let either of those problems linger in the daytime, then MAYBE, just MAYBE he can get you to slip like Guinevere with Lancelot and totally destroy your personal Camelot, as many of us have done. Remember what happened to sweet Sierra? We all know how hard repentance is at that point, how hard it is to get our kingdom back. It's possible, but hard.

Dreams are not a sin. Neither are fleeting thoughts and temptations. Even Jesus was tempted, and I bet he had horrible nightmares--the worst--dealing with all kinds of sin.

But dwelling on these things--even worrying about them too much--is exactly what Lucifer wants you to do. If you are constantly thinking, "I shouldn't think about the pink elephant," you will constantly be thinking about a pink elephant. Telling yourself over and over that these temptations and thoughts are dangerous and that you shouldn't be having them will lead you to have them all the time, and they may lead you to start hiding your thoughts from people, and constant thoughts that you keep hidden may lead to lust problems.

Can I make a suggestion? EVERY time the dreams come, pray and thank God immediately for two things. 1) Thank him it was just a dream (you probably already do). 2) Thank him for the orgasm. Seriously, it's kind of a gift, and it's NOT bad you had it. Next, in your prayer, tell God you are going to go about your day as if the dream never happened, and ask him to deal with the conflicted, terrible feelings you are having. Tell him you can't control them, and so you need to surrender them to him. Tell him you are NOT going to worry about the dream and how wrong it was, because you have other things to focus on. Then, just to be open and honest, tell your husband, "I had a dream again." If he wants to hear about it, tell him you don't want to go there or think about it again, you just wanted to be honest immediately and not hide it. Then, MOVE ON! Get up, do your dailies, do whatever else you were going to do, and if thoughts come to you through the day about the dream or about men, just say, "Father in Heaven, that thought is for you...now I'm going to get back to work," and don't dwell on it or worry about it or feel bad about it.

In short, don't fight all these feelings--the beginnings of lust--with, "This shouldn't be happening to me, I'm better than this, I can't let this happen." Don't fight like that, because it will only make it worse, in my opinion. Nobody is perfect. We all get tempted. Satan is after all of us. So, this SHOULD be happening, considering your past. It's OK. Instead of fighting it, let the Lord fight it. Say, "OK this IS happening, and I'm NOT responsible or in control of these temptations and dreams, so that's OK. I'll give them to the Lord." And move on with the rest of your life.

Did I repeat myself enough?

I'm praying for you, Sister."
posted at 15:39:33 on January 18, 2013 by beclean
Somethings I read today and made me think of you (all of us)    
""Always say 'yes' to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life - and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.

The present moment is sometimes unacceptable, unpleasant, or awful.

It is as it is. Observe how the mind labels it and how this labeling process, this continuous sitting in judgment, creates pain and unhappiness. By watching the mechanics of the mind [as in meditation and prayer or awareness/observation exercises], you step out of its resistance patterns, and you can then allow the present moment to be. This will give you a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace. Then see what happens, and take action if necessary or possible.

Accept - then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life." ~Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism [or dreams, thoughts, images in my head, pains, so forth], I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes." pg. 449 (3rd edition) of The Big Blue Book

In a way I think all this accords perfectly with Christ's admonition to "resist not evil". Even Brigham Young said "Do not imagine that I am in the least finding fault with the Devil. I would not bring a railing accusation against him, for he is fulfilling his office and calling manfully; he is more faithful in his calling than are many of the people." The devil is known as "the accuser of our brethren". Ol' Brigham knew not to "fight" the devil with his own power. The power of accusation, judgment, etc. Fire with fire. But rather, surrender. Acceptance. Non-attatchment. He was a smart dude.

And I say all this not as a heady exercise but as something that has worked and been working for me. I honestly believe...it is my feeling...that I personally am a tipping point. I can see myself finding sobriety and long term peace by working these principles. At least they are working right now. I hope they can work for you right now too :)

So long."
posted at 18:22:23 on January 18, 2013 by they_speak
could also be biological    
"I think it's also possible that this has less to do with your husband's addiction, Summer, and more to do with your own internal biological clock. It could be that your body is just now beginning it's sexual peak. It's my understanding that women peak several years later than men do. maybe your own natural lust tendencies are just now turning on. The natural woman is coming online. In that case, everything I said previously about how normal you are and how you should not stress out about the dreams and temptations still applies."
posted at 01:22:55 on January 19, 2013 by beclean
Not too much information    
"You weren't graphic (detailed), therefore, what you said was o.k., in my opinion.

But what you said illustrates the hugest problem with addictions and misbehavior: they chain out and involve innocent victims against their will and desires. You're in that category of innocent victim who is now having a struggle trying not to become a perpetrator. Welcome to the club. Many of us are like that. So don't feel so all alone. You have friends (here, and perhaps elsewhere) who understand what you're going through and will support you in your efforts to get through this. Think of this website as your cheering section. And always make prayer a mainstay of your return to wholeness.

Elder Boyd K. Packer told young men that they're not guilty for dreams (so called "nocturnal emissions" or "wet dreams"). And I would add that neither are the sisters for having erotic dreams, with or without orgasms. It's unfortunate that these have a negative effect on your relationship with your husband, but life is full of trials and afflictions. I think it's good not to fake it, btw.

Remember that anxiety is a huge trigger for many of us with auto-erotic behavior (self stimulation of any sort -- my addiction). Pain and fear are other huge triggers. They probably are for you, too. The more you obsess about your dreams, your performance with your husband, etc., the worse the problems might become.

Have you spoken with your husband openly about these things? It might give him some more context about how his infidelity is bringing you down. And you might discover that your inability to reach climax with your husband is less about the fact that you've already gotten there, than it is about the way that he's treating you. And your marriage might be at a decision point that you're trying to avoid, and that can have tremendous psychological consequences, that is, it can twist you.

These are just some thoughts from a very imperfect person, but I think they might have some value in your situation. Whatever, don't get mired in toxic shame or self-judgment. Continue counseling with your Bishop and do your dailies (prayer and scripture reading), and perhaps even try to think of two good deeds you can do every day, then do them. It might help more than you would imagine."
posted at 11:51:01 on January 19, 2013 by dog
Thanks    
"Got a ton going on. But I had to express thank yous to my friends who left comments to help me. You have helped so much!!! I'll write more later..but I couldn't let another day come and go without saying how grateful I am for each of you!!!"
posted at 17:52:07 on January 25, 2013 by Summer


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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002