This is going to take how long?!?
By workingonit
12/21/2012 10:16:24 PM
Last night after group counselling my wife and I had a discussion regarding my sobriety. She told me that she cant help but feel I am not being honest with her (which obviously would be hard to do after lying to her for so long) and that she feels like I am having slips that I am not telling her about. We had a discussion about slips and how we are both defining them. Our definitions varied. Hers; any lustful or impure thought. Mine; any lustful or impure thought I dwell on. I told her I work really hard to put thoughts out of my head asap, but I really cant control (at least at this point) what is popping into my head. Over the coarse of the last 76 days I have just been working on putting out fires as soon as I saw sparks, but today I thought I would hold myself to her standard and payed attention to how often I saw those sparks and it was pretty disheartening. Suffice it to say I saw a lot of sparks.

Let my preface this next paragraph with this, I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior, but trying to find the root of my problem and be able to attack it from there. When I first starting m/b-ing I didnt always have access to pornography. So there were plenty of times I partook with only my thoughts to guild me. I became very good at paying attention to women/girls in my everyday life so to pull from those memories in times of need. So essentially for the last 20 years I have been wiring my brain to feed my addiction. So today as I am walking through a store, seeing women, the smallest thing would set my mind motion. I have seen countless scenes of pornography and have fantasized about familiar and random women my entire life, so when I see something I like, the flood gates open. This made me feel pretty low and dirty. To have that realization that I am this lurking pervert that is constantly eyeballing womens "special regions" is very disturbing.

So today after dinner with the kids out of the room, I report to my wife. Yeah.... I probably should have waited and prayed about how to approach this one. I did not go over very well. I didn't get into details with her, but I told her I am heading towards the cliff very often, but I am able to control it and steer it where I need to be. Her response was that if I am constantly having those kind of thoughts, it will only be a matter of time before I cheat on her. I tried to explain that its only been a few months and that I hope it will get better, but I cant be sure of that. I know once someone is an addict, it something they carry with them for the rest of there lives, so that is my question to you guys. Does it get easier, or does it just get easier to manage? Thanks.


have you watched    
"The DVD Helping Her Heal by Dr.Doug Weiss? He also has three day intensives for couples that can help.

My hubby...over two years sober says that the lustful thoughts are coming on less and less as he activly stays in recovery.

Your wife is experiencing fear. Is she uust going to meetings, or is she working a daily plan of recovery? It had only been a short time for her and this is not going to get easier for her very long time unless she too is working her plan..

My login will not work from my phone. This is Angelmom and I will write more later."
posted at 10:09:29 on December 22, 2012 by Anonymous
"...have not watched nor heard of the dvd. I/we will look into for sure though. Thanks.

We are working a plan. Through our group counselling we get work books and homework everyweek, so we are following that. Things for her seem to be getting worse not better though. It just seems like the deeper we get, the more hurt and wronged she feels. I am sure (hoping) that it will eventally hit a bottom and start to move upward."
posted at 10:45:51 on December 22, 2012 by workingonit
Watch the DVD I suggested    
"It will help put the pain she feels about this whole thing into perspective. It is very common for her to be where she is. It is going to take a long time for her to heal.

She is still with you so I am assuming that she is learning to accept a new normal. One that did not fit the dreams she once had when preparing for an eternal family. None of what she is going through makes any sense in that plan. And looking back, I do not believe it was ever a topic of discussion in Relief Society.

It is often seen and sometimes common, that the husband is all excited and embracing recovery while the wife is still scratching her head thinking ..."What the hell just happened to my life". You knew one day this day would come. Where you would have to come clean. She never in her worst nightmare could have even imagined that this day would come.

You are dealing on different levels and I sure hope that she has a connection in the form of a sponsor or someone who is like her, only further down the road to her recovery. I am not speaking of a counselor, although that could be nice too, but someone who connects with her pain.

My husband actually went to Dr. Doug's intensive and it opened his evey into a world of understanding and true repentance and recovery that he had never learned before (not because he had not tried). Dr. D gets it on a personal level. He is worth trying out. It changed my Husband's life and mine forever.

I am praying for your continued success.

Warning.... He is all about the whole "stepping up to be a real man and a representative of God for you family. Nothing candy coated with this man... But by reading your posts, I think you can totally embrace what Dr. W teaches."
posted at 02:06:47 on December 24, 2012 by angelmom

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

— Russell M. Nelson