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Need a push
By yosemitesam
12/6/2012 4:51:20 PM
So, if any of you have followed my story, I was disfellowshipped a little over two weeks ago. Since then, I've dealt with anger at God and the bishopric, self-pity, acting out in mere rebellion, refusing to pray, read my scriptures or do the things that would get me closer to God. Yes, I know this is immature and selfish, but it is how I've been feeling and I haven't resisted it too much because they are real feelings and I don't want to stifle them - I'd rather have them just run their course and then make my way to the next phase in the "grieving" process.

I'm starting to feel those feelings lessen in their intensity and I'm starting to think it's time to grow up and work through my issues again. Still part of me wants to not do the spiritual things just to "get back at God." Not that that would help any, but still my pride gets in the way.

So as a compromise, I want to do some things that aren't extremely spiritual (because of that pride), but that are healthy and will get me back on the right track (because deep down I do have a testimony and want to be humble and repentant). I was thinking journal writing might be good - getting my feelings out. I was thinking going out of my way to shake someone's hand at church or give a compliment at work might be good. I actually feel a strong desire for service, to get out of my selfish ways. I'd love to hear any other ideas as well. Thanks.

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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987