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Make it stop!
By g1rlie
12/5/2012 1:37:47 PM
Okay, so I'm venting. And maybe whining. So there.

So, every day, I feel like I'm totally taking up a cross. I guess that's what I am supposed to do. Because every day that I go without Greg feels like death. But, I guess this is okay because the natural woman in me needs to die so I can really live. This is so painful, though.

Plus, I realize Greg doesn't really care about me. He only wants sex from me and doesn't really care about any destruction this causes in anyone's life.

It seems that I keep saying this same thing over and over. Oh, well.

I've learned some things. Gaining understanding. Am I understanding correctly? Went to Gospel Principles a couple of weeks ago. Did I understand correctly? If I procrastinate repentance in this life, if I just decide to put it off, that I'd get to suffer the full penalty for my sins instead of making use of the Atonement like I get to make use of in this life. I don't even know if I'm understanding correctly. Maybe I will study this on my days off.

Also, I've been reading in the scriptures. We read Jacob Chapter 3. I learned how important it is to God that we are faithful to our spouses. Entire civilizations have been destroyed because of infidelity, as I understood from reading in the book of Jacob. I guess it makes sense. We are here to fulfill the measure of our creation. And to fulfill this, we are to do God's will. But, when we do His will, this is the way for us to be actually Happy, instead of miserable, like I've been since I cheated on my husband.

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I really, really, really want to be happy instead of miserable. Seriously, I'm trying to live God's plan of Happiness. But at this time, I have strayed from this plan. So, at the present, I'm not happy. Actually, I'm miserable. But I have lived His plan before, and I was happy and had peace. So, I really believe that when I've repented, and I've forsaken my sins, and I've become New in Christ, I will be happy and have peace once again.

Comments:

I feel your pain so I survive.    
"The subject title comes from an old heavy metal band. But it's not pornography, sex addiction first and then issues second. Although we need to get away, time away from our addictions, to create some breathing space we will eventually fall and fail every time if we continue to ignore our underlying issues. It would seem you have a lot of them.

I take it you are cheating on your husband. Satan is happy. God is sad. You are sad. Two of you have worth. One is worthless. Be with God. Be with your husband. Burn the ropes that lead to Greg, scrub the trail, end the connection. Have you got a hold of the SLAA handbook? It is very very helpful.

Good luck to you and to me."
posted at 19:40:12 on December 5, 2012 by SimonLeper
Thanks, Simonleper    
"Ya, just gotta get through this Greg thing....that is The singular issue with me at the moment. SLAA doesn't have meetings at a time that works for me. I was attending SA, but I'm totally quitting because some dude gave me the creeps big time last week. Found an ARP being that is at a good time, though. Kinda nervous about it. Hopefully, it is okay, though."
posted at 06:20:56 on December 6, 2012 by G1rlie
Good luck    
"I can't imagine what it would be like to be a woman and have to struggle with this. I imaging that many women are in hiding. Maybe one day you can be a beacon of hope to many of them. Keep up the good work.
I don't think you'll ever get over the Greg issue (no matter if there are 1 more or 50 more Gregs) until you tackle what lies beneath. I have to do the same thing. I have attacked the addiction head on for 14 years, my goal being to rid my life of pornography but it has only led to bouts of remission to only fall 10 times harder when I come back.

I am looking forward to starting counseling. But I need to start looking. I will commit myself to finding a counselor by this time next week."
posted at 09:53:46 on December 6, 2012 by SimonLeper
It slowly gets better    
"I feel like I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. Two years ago, I started an online relationship with a woman that lasted about 5 months (we were both married). Although we never met in person, we became very close and I felt at the time that she was the one who understood me and loved me best. We both fell hard for each other, and I was extremely emotionally attached to her.

It's now been a little over 1.5 years since we broke it off. The immediate days after I literally thought I would die from the pain. For many months, I was in a terrible funk. I wanted some way that I could have her and have my family. In my mind, I explored every option. I considered leaving but felt obligated to be there for my kids (we have some challenges there). I felt like I was giving up on my last chance at real happiness. Many times I came close to just hopping a plane and taking a chance on that life.

Somehow deep down I found something to hold on to. I think I realized that even though I had a strong connection with this woman, whatever was lacking was inside me and I needed to work on that. That even if I went with this woman, would I just be doing the same thing, looking outside the relationship in 2 years?

Gradually, my sanity returned, but very slowly. I worked with my bishop and therapists. They must've gotten tired about how much I said this woman was perfect. I wrote my feelings in a journal. I eventually told my wife. I began to look at why I was attracted to this woman/relationship. I found things that this other woman did (or thought that she did for me) that I liked and felt was missing from my marriage. I talked to my wife about things I thought we could work on to strengthen our relationship. She graciously was willing to do some things together.

I worked on myself. I went regularly to counseling. This woman would occasionally contact me (feigning platonic interest). I would tell my wife each time it happened. Finally, my wife and I agreed that I would write her again and I had to be very blunt. I think the message has gotten through now. I had many painful question answering times with my wife. However, I'm sure mostly because of her goodness, she worked it through herself too.

So where am I now? It is definitely easier but I'm not perfect. I'm still working through it but I don't view that relationship as the risk it once was. I don't feel the pull to contact her. I hope that she's happy in her life. I don't feel the despair that I once felt by not being with her. In my weaker moments, I still think of moments we shared. I listen to music we shared together. I try to minimize those times of weakness, but they still happen. I'm realistic and know that I may still have them, but hope they get fewer.

Whatever I'm lacking inside still hasn't been filled, as I have sought out other avenues, and have been disfellowshipped as a result. Please beware of this path. What's strange, though, is that I feel that my relationship with my wife is stronger - counterintuitive/paradoxical huh? I think it's because I am honest with her. I tell her when I mess up. I can't say for sure that our marriage will make it, but I truly believe I love her more than ever (even though my actions belie that statement).

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say it does get easier over time."
posted at 10:52:06 on December 6, 2012 by yosemitesam
Whew!    
"Well, I do look forward to getting over Greg. It's going so slowly. I feel Mostly (but not entirely) over the sexual part of our relationship (Yay! I can actually Enjoy having sex with my husband once again--when I was with Greg, it was not possible for me to enjoy being with my husband because I don't have lust in my marriage.) But the feelings I have for him, I'm not over those. But it is getting better.

Sometimes, I feel deeply, deeply, deeply pained because of not having contact with him. And it's hard for me because he didn't want us to break things off. And I partially didn't want to, either, because of my feelings for him, especially. He didn't want us to have no contact. But I don't like who he is and I don't like how I feel about being in a situation with him. What's keeping me away from him is remembering the pain of breaking things off with him. It felt like I'd die. Don't wanna get involved deeper with him because of the pain of breaking things off again, because I feel my relationship with Greg is not destined to be a permanent one (although I don't believe in destiny).

Yeah, like you, Yosemitesam, I feel my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger, because we've worked some things out that were lacking before. I'm hoping it gets even stronger as I can gradually stop feeling for Greg."
posted at 12:52:12 on December 6, 2012 by g1rlie
I have a bad/good example    
"Admittedly in the not so distant past I recontacted the mistress. I was minding my own business one day when I saw her on Facebook. 2 years ago she didn't have one and I've never noticed one or thought to look up one since. But because of common friends fb brought her up as "someone you may know". Yup. Sure do. At that point I honestly didn't even think about her much at all anymore. And certainly i'd say at that point I only thought of her longingly for brief moments before I come to my senses every 4 or 6 months. However, when I saw her picture I went into a spin. The shakes and everything. I was just crazy with anxiety and excitement and fear and lust and the unknown. I kept going back to her profile for an hour knowing I shouldn't. I was just so shocked/surprised and blindsided by seeing her online. I threw away her number and asked her to quit contacting me over a year and half ago. She obliged and only contacted me once after that and I pretended I didn't know who it was texting me and I think she got offended and never tried again. It's been 2 and half years since I've seen her in person. And here I was suddenly with all the ability to easily say something, anything, to her. I knew in my heart I really truly didn't want any contact with her. She will only cause me pain and confusion and weary me, inadvertently or not, with mind games. But as the white book says I'm addicted to the tease the forbidden the intrigue. That's the sham of it. But as rational as my mind can be my lust often trumps.

I sent her a message. An "innocent" one. We talked a little...and that was it. It was so anti climactic. Refreshing reality. I really genuinely know that there is not only nothing real there but the fantasy and allusion are gone too. That was almost as shocking as seeing her. All though we proceeded with the regular banter that I once so craved in the end talking to her was like watching grass grow. Just, nothing. Not bad. Not good. Just whatever. I'm sure she feels the same. And i'm totally cool with that.

Point and case: I know it was wrong to contact her. I know. It was really stupid and by Allah I somehow seemingly got away unscathed. But, in some way all though I didn't need to contact her to feel better or closure or anything else it is nice/interesting to me to see that there is nothing there. That drunken lust love is just another ephemeral part of life and it goes on. For that i'll be grateful though again I know I didn't need to dance with the devil to find that out and wouldn't recommend it to myself or anyone to find out or make sure they are really over someone. I made a mistake. But it turned out well. And that is my point here.

I used to talk just like you Girlie. Certainly the details of our experience vary and are our own but I relate a lot with the things you say. And yet...here I am totally over her. Almost as if I was never into her. Even when the opportunity was in my face[book] to indulge her anew. But it took me 2.5 years of not seeing her and 22 months of not contacting her to get there. Keep fighting."
posted at 14:44:07 on December 7, 2012 by they_speak
@They_Speak    
"Argh. 2.5 years? That's a long time, but it's better than suffering forever:)"
posted at 06:01:40 on December 9, 2012 by G1rlie
@They_Speak    
"Argh. 2.5 years? That's a long time, but it's better than suffering forever:)"
posted at 06:03:20 on December 9, 2012 by G1rlie
Molested when I was 11 years old    
"I have been a member of the Church for over thirty years. I served a fairly honorable mission where masturbation was a constant struggle. Upon my return, I married in the Temple but soon struggled with porn, alcohol, drugs, lust and resentment . I have had short periods of semi-righteousness, but overall I really struggled living the gospel. I have always had a tendency to isolate? I just recently told my wife and my mother, and my ARP group about the event that took place in 1970 and 71 when I was molested by another boy older and bigger than me. Having finally confessed this has lifted me so much. Could this event have damaged me to the point that I needed to escape the immense pain that I have felt all these years. Now that this is in the open, I don't feel the need to self-medicate. I have tried to put this event behind me, but I think about it every day of my life. I have always been so afraid to tell anyone about it. I just want to be normal again."
posted at 08:28:48 on December 9, 2012 by kleatov
@Kleatov    
"Ya, I was also molested. But by my brother. It was horrible and my mom kept making excuses for him. It seems there are a lot on this site who have been molested. It brings some interesting challenges. But we can find healing in Christ. For real."
posted at 13:37:14 on December 9, 2012 by Anonymous
Stoopid is as stoopid does    
"You were stoopid enough to forget your marital vows and sleep with the guy. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for FREE!!!!!!! You are upset because he only wants to sleep with you and does not really care? Well, did it feel good? Did you get it out of your system? Maybe hubby is not doing it for you. Is he like both of my exes? They were fix ups by my father (a Bishop), both men just did not have a clue on how to please a woman.....sitck it in.....pump twice...squirt...squirt and a "Ah, that was good for me." If you really want to make yourself happy, buy a dildo. When he goes off to work, just pull it out and make yourself happy. You can dream about "Gregg" or hubby or Fabio. If all "Gregg" wants is a warm place to dip his wick, I am sure he will manage. There are plenty of "Glory Holes" in San Francisco, CA."
posted at 23:09:36 on January 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Stoopid is as stoopid does    
"You were stoopid enough to forget your marital vows and sleep with the guy. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for FREE!!!!!!! You are upset because he only wants to sleep with you and does not really care? Well, did it feel good? Did you get it out of your system? Maybe hubby is not doing it for you. Is he like both of my exes? They were fix ups by my father (a Bishop), both men just did not have a clue on how to please a woman.....sitck it in.....pump twice...squirt...squirt and a "Ah, that was good for me." If you really want to make yourself happy, buy a dildo. When he goes off to work, just pull it out and make yourself happy. You can dream about "Gregg" or hubby or Fabio. If all "Gregg" wants is a warm place to dip his wick, I am sure he will manage. There are plenty of "Glory Holes" in San Francisco, CA."
posted at 23:10:04 on January 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Bad advice    
"Masturbation with a dildo will not fulfill Girlie or anyone. Lust will never be satisfied. There is an empty place in us only God can fill. Once the Holy Spirit transforms Girlie she will have a desire to serve the LORD and put away all ungodliness from her life if she continues to endure faithfully."
posted at 01:16:54 on January 4, 2013 by Anonymous
another failed amateur attempt    
"... at trolling. The only thing successful about your trolls is that they are so lackluster boring (and long) it still turns out a little annoying. Com'on man! Troll us! You can do it. I believe in you."
posted at 02:18:19 on January 4, 2013 by they_speak


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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981