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Just joined
By SimonLeper
11/29/2012 10:56:45 AM
I am not even 24 hours sober. I work from home and this can be a dangerous thing. I was clean (not sober) for 70 days, trying for 90 when I slipped. I have been trying to get on my feet ever since. I will have been married a year this December. I told my wife I was an addict when she met me. We went to our first LDS Addiction Recovery meeting last night. It is a God-send.

I am so thankful that I've found this site. I'd sat in a planning meeting less than a year ago and we had brainstormed over an idea very similar. I am so grateful to the people who started this site. I hope I will become a regular contributor.

I told my wife things last night about my past and about my specific pornography viewing because I felt that she needed to be answered honestly. But the end of our conversation she was apologizing and I felt like a raw, pulsing nerve. As we held each other I told her that I was extremely tempted for the endorphin rush, the adrenaline, the dopamine high. She didn't understand at first but she came around.

(I want to swear and I wonder if I can) *$%#, it must be so difficult for her. I hate myself for bringing her into my hell. I have struggled with overcoming pornography since coming to the Church 14 years ago after a lifetime of drugs, alcohol, physical and sexual abuse and pornography.

I have viewed honesty and hard work as my saving graces. I have always openly confessed all of my sins. I have always and most times neurotically studied the Scriptures and tried to overcome this on my own. But after relapsing after 70 days I realize I am dead alone. I cannot do this without a sponsor, without a community and without counseling. There are things below the surface of my addiction that I must mine.

Yet even as I write this my body is craving pornography. Because I was molested by my father, ignored and beaten, because I have had many childhood same sex exploits I eventually took the road down and have gotten myself addicted to both heterosexual and some homosexual pornography.

These are some of the things and more that I told my wife about last night. Welcome to my new world. This hurts, I am addicted and I want to act out.


God bless and good luck to you and to me and to all of us!

Comments:

Welcome :)    
"Good to have you here:)"
posted at 14:24:15 on November 29, 2012 by Anonymous
I love your honesty.    
"You are not alone. You are in good company. I was molested,too. I completely understand the cruel irony of having to struggle with a devious sexual predilection because of someone else's sin which was inflicted on me. It is a hard road but there is a way out. You said it! A sponsor, a fellowship in the community, etc. You are on the right track! Good luck to you, my friend."
posted at 20:28:55 on November 29, 2012 by Anonymous
Welcome    
"Have a good start

Dont forget our savior he is there for you too

Your friend from europe"
posted at 07:15:10 on November 30, 2012 by Mike81
Thank you    
"Thanks for the encouragement and support everybody. It's really nice to be encouraged.

God bless and good luck to you and to me and to all of us!"
posted at 10:54:41 on November 30, 2012 by SimonLeper


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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006