Print
Disfellowshipped
By yosemitesam
11/26/2012 11:13:57 AM
Last week I had a disciplinary council and was disfellowshipped. I am struggling with the decision and feel that it was too severe. Yes, I'm probably justifying myself in my sins, but I can't help being angry and it's definitely affecting me negatively.

I am married, and my wife is tremendously supportive. I've struggled with p/mb for many years, which she has known. In the last two years, I've had three incidents where other women were involved, but none involved intercourse, nor touching/petting. After each time, I confessed to my bishop (and told my wife). In each case I followed the counsel of my bishop and felt like I was repenting.

With this third incident, the bishop called the council. I told him beforehand that I felt bringing up the other two incidents was unfair, since I had already come forward, followed his previous council, and tried to repent. He and the Stake President disagreed.

The bishop made me recount in detail each of the three incidents to all in attendance. I felt the questions and advice were generally ridiculous. One counselor suggested I look into attaching electrodes to my head, and that he'd heard great success stories from that kind of therapy. The only thing the other counselor said was to ask me about my mental state. The bishop himself said that he called the council thinking it would only go for informal discipline, but felt inspired to disfellowship me. So, of course that causes me to think I must have said something wrong, wasn't contrite enough (I've been through this enough that I didn't cry), and my evil presence there changed his mind.

I've been in a bishopric before. Yes, that may have weighed on the decision. I also recognize that there is a pattern in my behavior that I need to stop. However, I have myself participated in 4 councils. All the disfellowshipped decisions were because of intercourse. One was formal probation, but the behavior, in my opinion, was worse than what I did. I know I shouldn't compare cases, but I just feel slighted because when given the options, the bishop went with the harshest possible penalty.

And of course, yesterday, the first Sunday being disfellowshipped, no member of the bishopric says anything to me, I still haven't gotten my follow up letter outlining what I need to do, and no text or phone messages of encouragement (let alone the debacle informing me of the council, which I won't go into). I'm not expecting much, but it all just stews inside me and makes me think that this whole church thing isn't worth it to me.

Thanks for listening.

Comments:

Yosemitesam    
"When you were in the bishopric and did disciplinary councils, did you feel the decisions made were inspired? Just wondering.

As an addict, I have made some really foolish choices, and I've been through my own disciplinary council. Because of my choices, I've become miserable. But, along the road to recovery, I've found a degree of happiness. Still recovering. In the process, I'm learning why God's plan for us is called the Plan of Happiness. I'm learning that living the commandments and doing the things that Jesus did are ways of finding true happiness and peace.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really rough. Unfortunately, the bishopric is human. Maybe they could be more compassionate. This I have learned to be true (and it is in the scriptures): Luke 6:37 ..forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

Prayers sent up for you, Yosemitesam. Please don't give up. I love you."
posted at 13:08:44 on November 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Sam,    
"You still don't understand the weight of the sin you committed. You involved another woman in your marriage. You've essentially cheated."
posted at 14:40:05 on November 26, 2012 by Anonymous
Felt like you were repenting...    
"You will not be sinless when you repent, but you will sin less. Take this opportunity of disfellowship to focus on repentance. Not as a step on the path, but the path. This isn't something you do. It's something you become.

I still struggle a lot. I had disciplinary councils and faced informal probation and then formal probation. And then I would clean up my act, get back in the game, and.... fall again. The biggest change came when I was on the way to the Temple. I had messed up but not as bad as I had before. I hadn't crossed lines that other "temple worthy" members had crossed. But on the way, I got pulled over. For going 3 over the speed limit. It was ridiculous.

But I kept hearing this voice. "The Lord does not want you to mock his house." I was so mad after I got the ticket that I went home immediately. I had to face my family who thought I was doing fine. It was rough. And then I just got back into reading The Miracle of Forgiveness. It asked a bunch of questions on page 161 to test our conviction, to see if we were truly repentant. The second question was this, "Could you accept excommunication for the sin if deemed necessary?"

I thought about that a lot. These aren't questions for just sexual immorality. These are questions for repentance. No matter what I am repenting for, the answer should be yes. Because that is true repentance. The repentance that not only forgives us but transforms us. It takes humility to answer yes to that question. And pride is the opposition of repentance. I have struggled immensely with pride.

If every person faced sin answering yes to that question, we would be sinning a lot less.

I am in a far different situation than you. And I am definitely not preaching to you. I just wanted to share what I learned. And I do wish that your Bishopric was friendlier to you. But don't let that discourage you. God is here for you. He makes good things out of terrible messes. Our God is good."
posted at 12:43:47 on November 28, 2012 by Anonymous
I was Disfellowshipped too    
"I am not even 24 hours sober. I work from home and this can be a dangerous thing. I was clean (not sober) for 70 days, trying for 90 when I slipped. I have been trying to get on my feet ever since. I will have been married a year this December. I told my wife I was an addict when she met me. We went to our first LDS Addiction Recovery meeting last night. It is a God-send.

When we look at pornography we look away from our wives, God and covenants that we have made. It is like being a child and looking away from your friends to other friends and longing to be with them. Your friends are going to feel upset. But if you leave them altogether then they might feel betrayed.

What you have done is much worse. I too have gotten myself Disfellowshipped when I was single. I went to a prostitute for the first time. I voluntarily confessed. I too was disfellowshipped when my feelings were quite tender. When we live this type of life then there is something below all of it causing us to act out in strange and forbidden ways.

Forgiveness is the key. Forgive the Bishop. Forgive the council. They are human. They are struggling with life too. If you seek forgiveness you should find it. And I hope you do. I hope I do too. But then we are required to forgive, aren't we?

Your choices have made things difficult. I feel your pain. But try to go deeper than the pornography and see why it is you have chosen to play with other women when you have a loving wife by your side. You are a son of God and He loves you. He just wants you to stop playing with other kids. So ask yourself, why and then go about remedying things.

We only have so many hours and so much energy. Don't waste your time on resentment. It will only take you away from your wife and your God.

God bless and good luck to you and to me and to all of us!"
posted at 10:41:05 on November 29, 2012 by SimonLeper
What a looser!!!    
"Gee guy, you cheat on your wife...not once....not twice but three times and you expect some sort of award. Geesh!!!!! Then again, maybe it is the wife. Either way, you supposedly 'repented' and turned right around and did it again. The first time, well. maybe "wifey' is not as sexy as she used to be, maybe to her sex is a chore. Maybe your performance is not too good either, so you go off into your fantasy world where you are "THE MAN." Just learn how to clear your history on your browser history (or use the private button), keep on doing your thing. You are a pathetic, inaffectual looser and deserve your lot.

So you are disfellowshipped. That is a blessing...not a curse. Go out and live a little, have a drink. Pick up some strumpet at a bar and take her home, have a good time. Sin so grace may abound more. Good luck."
posted at 23:03:12 on January 2, 2013 by Anonymous
go ahead and cast stones, if you are sinless    
"YOSEMITE, if you're still here, it sounds like you disfellowshipped yourself from God long before the council disfellowshipped you from the Church. Come back, "and sin no more."

And, as I've said before, ignore anonymous posters."
posted at 00:41:46 on January 3, 2013 by beclean
@Anonymous ("looser" comment)    
"Hey, Knucklehead! You're out of line. Inappropriate and not helpful."
posted at 14:29:01 on January 3, 2013 by Anonymous
Troll    
"I'm thinking, in light of the other post around the same time over on Girlies thread, ol' ldsar dot org is finding itself up the list on google. I say troll. Which I find ironic; trolling among a bunch of addicts as if you can shock us. "Oh no somebody on the internet is provoking me. I've never experienced such a thing...I think i'll go snort crack off an anorexic hookers belly." Our lives are one, big, troll. Fool."
posted at 14:57:26 on January 3, 2013 by they_speak


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967