Is sex after addiction not as fulfilling?
By asdfjkl1234
10/31/2012 2:42:43 PM
Yesterday I had a very rough day. I'm probably on day 7 of sobriety and I was home alone with the kids babysitting and this overwhelming urge to look at porn and mb came over me. I wanted to quickly put the kids to bed and give into temptation. For some reason though, I was able to distract myself by playing minecraft with my daughter for long enough that the overwhelming feelings and desires of lust subsided to the point that I could think straight again.

Later on that night I told my wife about the incident and how I was able to get through it. Long story short, we were happy about it and we later had sex. The problem I have is that afterwords, I noticed that I didn't get that same high that I do when indulging in porn. Have I ruined my healthy sex drive? Will it ever get back to normal? Or at least MY normal?

Oh btw, I think one of the reasons I was able to withstand temptation this time was because I have been working through the 12 step program book and have started an addiction journal that helps me to reflect on my thoughts and feelings. I really like it.


after u heal it will be better    
"you've probably spent a good amount of time working on ur urges the wrong way, but with time you'll come back and enjoy it. the brain takes awhile to relearn things but with the effort you can be close with your spouse again. just takes time. as you open up and really express yourself, you will see it get better...I've had both types of sex, the physical and the emotional...the emotional is way better but hard to get there, with so many distractions, life, insecurities, problems...blah blah blah...I'm no expert so just going off what I have read in some therapy books.
keep at it, things do get better. stop looking at the porn, and once u do things will get closer. you spouse may open up more and it will be better...
good luck"
posted at 19:04:46 on October 31, 2012 by skyteamst90
It takes time, but you'll get there...    
"This is a post from my recovery blog, six months into recovery.

It does get better....It gets WAY better. Agreed strongly with SKYTEAM. Our intimacy now is a whole new level. The world will have you focus on the mechanics of sex. Was it good for her...Was it good for you...Did I hit the right spot...Did I go slow enough???

Once recovery takes hold, and your relationship starts to heal also, all of these mechanical questions will take a back seat to your desire to connect emotionally with your wife."
posted at 19:42:47 on October 31, 2012 by chefdalet
I hope so@    
"I hope it becomes more fulfilling."
posted at 20:07:49 on October 31, 2012 by g1rlie
I'm single, but...    
"According to my sponsor, nothing will ever feel as good as acting out. He used the analogy of using cocaine: those who have used claim that nothing feels as pleasurable as cocaine. My sponsor feels that we are not entitled to feel so much pleasure. God does not allow us to do cocaine, and He also does not allow us to get high from porn and masturbation.

My sponsor also claims that after many years of recovery, his sex with his wife is more fulfilling than ever, but not as brain-numbingly pleasurable as acting out."
posted at 20:31:04 on October 31, 2012 by ETTE
thank you for the insight    
"I appreciate the comments."
posted at 22:49:51 on October 31, 2012 by asdfjkl1234
"I guess it's gonna have to be something to get used to... :/ Your sponsor, Ette, is probably right. :/ Dang it."
posted at 13:34:53 on November 1, 2012 by Anonymous
hmm. My sponsor disagreed...    
"He explained --
sex in sobriety is much more fulfilling and intimate. Like 3D vs 2D.

Acting out, we get a rush of hormones leading up to acting out and then you feel worthless afterwards. You can't separate the two.

In sobriety, we get a rush of different hormones and a rush of connectedness and a feeling of well being afterwards..

Im going on 18 months of celibacy with one cruddy attempt thrown in .. So I cant answer from personal knowledge. I like the idea of real connectedness with my wife-- I crave that."
posted at 15:54:23 on November 1, 2012 by Hurtallover
Once you heal!    
"Patience here.. I disagree with the above comments. Sex in recovery is mind blowing like God created it to be. When the couple works hard on their recovery first individually, then together as a couple, the sexual experience when experienced the way God created us to experience it when united emotionally, physically, spiritually, the two of you become one, well, let me say first that I do not believe that a counterfeit experience that Satan has devised to gain control of our bodies could ever be more powerful, beautiful, and mind blowing as what God planned for us. After all our sexuality given to us by God is our most powerful and most like God himself. But when our minds and bodies have been polluted it takes time and effort and a lot of patience . Use the atonement to clear your mind and body, pray for the experience God intended his unions to have. And study and read all you can on the subject. Do this together. I promise sex the way God intended us to experience is mind blowing and you will be asking yourself, what was I or we doing before. Be patient wilh one another, talk lovingly, to each other, look in each others eyes, keep a light on and no objectifying. This helps reprogram the brain.
A wife,
posted at 15:54:38 on November 1, 2012 by Hero
I would love to be wrong on this one...    
"Your comment is encouraging, Hero! I really hope that sex in marriage can be awesome even for sex addicts.

Just to clarify, my sponsor said sex in his marriage is better (and more fulfilling) now than ever, it's just different than acting out."
posted at 21:34:30 on November 2, 2012 by ETTE
Hero, so true    
"Amen sister Hero, Amen! The connection is so amazing. Artificial sex could never compare to God's sexual plan for us :) . "
posted at 00:00:44 on November 3, 2012 by angelmom

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