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Week #3
By sunnydays
10/30/2012 10:40:43 PM
Looking at the calendar I've become aware of everything in a different sense this past week. First, I have blocked out details of my past. I have ignored things I should have paid attention to. I can't believe that this has happened to me.

But, after examining where I came from it's no wonder it did happen to me. I didn't grow up in a strong family. My mom bribed my siblings with donuts to go to church. Then she went to the bakery down the street and skipped her meetings to visit with friends. Me? I was working. To pay her rent. At 16.

Today I went to see my counselor again. He was out last week so it's been two weeks. Two weeks with only my friends to talk to. I'm sure they are tired of listening to me.

A few months ago my daughter (19) told me she hasn't seen me happy since my divorce. Yesterday my bff told me she hasn't seen me stress free in 4 years (about the same time).

I'm not the type of person I would want to hang around with. Today I was supposed to have birthday lunch with my bff from kindergarten. I cancelled on her for several reasons. She got upset and now won't speak to me.

I'm going through a tough time with church right now. It's hard to write about the details of what's going on without being specific. But, needless to say I'm finally facing some past issues I never dealt with. It was all my choice to face them but I could possibly be ex'd.

I'm kind of worried about this. Tonight it really hit me and I feel incredibly sad. I really want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I want to quit my job. I've contemplated death. How can I be so happy and upbeat one day and so sad and have no hope the next?

I'm so tired of being alone. It's so dark in my world. I have two friends. Literally two. I'm scared if I don't snap out of this soon I will lose one of them.

I went to the chiropractor today to get an adjustment. I have so much tension. I get headaches almost daily. I'm not taking anything other than ibuproferin for my headaches. Nothing for sleep. Nothing to give me energy. Right now I feel numb. I really wish I had something to help me sleep.

I haven't read the next step in the book. But I've read the title. Hope. I've read a few books on hope lately. The first one was really good. The second one I stumbled on all the scripture references. I havne't started the third.

It's hard to have hope. Why? What has happened thus far that leads me to believe that there is hope for someone like me? What in my life has gone good? I have five healthy kids. That's all.

I have a house I could lose any day. Every night I go to bed and fear my car will be re-posesseed. I can't go back to school because I defaulted on a loan (although I went through the repayment process it's not cleared up in the system). I'm so far behind on my utilities it's not even funny. I've been trying to find a new job that will pay my bills but no luck. My kids hate me. So hope? Hope for what? Hope for things to be different? How? How will that really happen? Only by more hard work from me. I feel I'm only days away from a mental vacation. I don't know how much more I can endure. I really don't.

Somehow even though I have no hope I still carry on. Life has been one series of huge dissapointments for me. I'm a dissapointment to everyone around me. Even though it is I don't give up. And I won't. As long as I have my kids I will get up everyday and try again.

I wish I had a nice scripture reference to add here but I don't know them that well. But I do have a theme song to my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc

Comments:

Hope not as the world gives    
"Hi sunnydays. I'm so, so sorry for your sense of hopelessness. I have felt so little hope , at a certain time in my life, that I wanted to take my own life to be free from the pain of what I was going through. I have felt that I was completely alone even though there were friends around me. I lost my job, my marriage, my faith, and other things that had kept me going in life, and I'm here to tell you that there is hope...there is help, and there is a way to make it all better. I know that The Lord lives; our Savior Jesus Christ. He DOES have all the power, love, and mercy to pick us up out of our seemingly hopeless situation, over and over again. He will run to you and, strengthen you, and forgive you, because he suffered all the pain you would feel through out your life for the sole purpose of taking away the pain and giving you peace in this life and exaltation in the world to come. You are God's child, he loves you and has given you a Redeemer in his son. It is the greatest gift in your life, and it is real. I know it. I am going through great struggles myself right now, and it is a daily struggle, so I don't tell you these things from a comfortable, non-understanding place. It comes from a wrestle with life and a much awaited testimony I finally had the courage to ask for. I'm not more special or privileged than you are. God loves his children equally with great love and will bless you. Have the courage and faith and hope to ask for his help with more energy than you have up until this point in your life and then allow the power of the atonement to do what it was meant to do...heal you. I say this with all the love and understanding that someone in my position can have and I sincerely hope you feel that."
posted at 03:59:52 on October 31, 2012 by survivor
Thanks    
"I wish this was like facebook where we could just like a comment. I do appreciate what you have had to say.

I wish that I could really truly believe in my heart that all will be well. I'm having such a hard time with that.

It's funny though, I've bought several books from the church bookstore lately. Every single one of them was either on hope or the atonement. One was such a good read I read it from sun up to sun down. I haven't put it on the bookshelf as I don't want to forget the meaning. It really spoke to me. The second one was tough. It lost me around chapter 4. The third I looked at this morning before I went to work. Hopefully I will be able to read it soon.

I've been looking for a job for sometime now. At least 6 months. Actually almost 2 years. It's not going well. I have a part time job I don't like because of the other workers in the other office whom I have to deal with from time to time. Everyone says it's the economy. I'm beginning to lose hope on finding a job.

The same goes with my life. It has always sucked. Every since I was a kid. My married life sucked. Dating sucks. I've only been on one date in 3 years. I consider myself a very attractive person (now, maybe not a year ago) but in the time I've been divorced several other sisters in the ward have divorced and remarried. I am beginning to wonder what's wrong with me? Even my ex had no trouble finding someone new."
posted at 15:10:02 on October 31, 2012 by sunnydays
ok heres my thing    
"i agree with survivor, my life has been way-simular...i lost it all...

only would say this step (1)...stop beating yourself up...you can control that part....letting go, that will come later...

try an exercise ... get a piece of chalk at church. get a wet towel...and go in a room by yourself...write something on the board...write "my life is a mess".....(underneath) "but i can fix it"........
"i can keep it together"
do this 3 times....write...erase....3x....

do this and let me know how it goes...i'd be interested in your response.

i'll check back...
i have other thoughts if youd be interested...there is a way out but u have to be both feet in the game and look up...

i cant solve your problems, only jesus, but i can offer simple steps you can do to help you...most likley you have heard this stuff before but i broke it down into a different way...

oh and second...dont give up on you...not an option...
i have been where you are...i know that darkness, but with a couple things added that you didnt mention.

#2 Assignment...watch the movie THOR with natalie portman....theres a scene in there worth noting...that i can point out to. its a quick 20 seconds so you have to pay attention...surely you could watch a movie now wouldnt you, to make your life slighty better eh?

so #1 dont beat yourself up...no emotional abuse...just take the past and put it on hold...deal with it in a bit...tell the operator "hold please"
#2 dont give up on you...your heart still beating right? so ur heart didnt give up...dont u....not an option...
#3 watch the movie Thorr

please..."
posted at 19:27:50 on October 31, 2012 by skyteamst90
ps...you wanna know whats wrong with you????    
"...you're human...welcome to life...everyones sux a$$...at least one time or another...everyone...you, men the bishop, the prophet...you think Alma had an easy life? how about Nephi...hunny we are gods and kings to what they had...they had nothing compared to our "ease" of life...they didnt have ice cream or cinnamon rolls, or chocolate chip cookies...that alone would make me mourn in the wilderness. here is a code. my email is my name plus ...at aol dot com..."
posted at 19:35:26 on October 31, 2012 by skyteamst90
thanks    
"skyteamst90...thanks.

I will try your three assignments. It's good to have some comment.

I can say that you made me laugh when you said that Nephi and Alma didn't have cinnamon rolls, chocolate chip cookies or ice cream. All of which I'm avoiding as it doesn't work with my diet plan.

But, it made me laugh."
posted at 22:31:31 on November 4, 2012 by sunnydays
Sunny    
"I also want to add to what Sky suggested.

Please read the Book of Mormon every single day. Even if it is just a minute or two. I believe there is healing power within the pages.

I am not a THOR sort of girl, but there must be something there, as Sky feels strongly about it, so why not give it a try?"
posted at 01:25:08 on November 5, 2012 by angelmom
the THOR movie has something to illistrate an idea    
"it has a visual that really struck me...and thus helped me to move forward, and slightly over come something, and visually helped me see it...dont want to give it away yet...

i hope she watches it, because little pieces here and there can help put this puzzle of life together...

glad i made u laugh a little. that little piece helps too. laughing is important. remember to do that. its easy to forget."
posted at 07:18:09 on November 5, 2012 by skyteamst90
thor    
"ok here it is about the THOR movie...
there is a scene where THOR prays to LOKI and asks if LOKI would take his life instead of hurting the humans...the part that was interesting to me was he was PRAYING and the camera showed LOKI on the throne hearing and listening to him...which to me gave me a visual about maybe how the Lord does it. it was pretty helpful to me as something spiritual clicked when seeing that little scene...

i am a visual learner and it was just good to see that. even though LOKI was a bad guy, it was the illistration that was cool. i have struggled so badly with prayer...well until recently, it was impossible...

i hope this could help thats all..."
posted at 23:07:00 on November 14, 2012 by skyteamst90


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006