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Step 2 seems impossible
By man4healing
10/28/2012 3:04:38 AM
Step 1 is obvious for me. Powerless over lust? You bet. Life unmanageable (unhappy, feel my wounds deeply, etc)? Absolutely.

Which brings me to step 2. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Well, that's where I hit the wall. Each time I face this. In recovery meetings we hear such things as:

"Let go and let God."
"Stop trying to stop, and surrender the whole thing to God."
"God will do for you what you couldn't/can't do for yourself."
"You're not God."

I just don't know anymore. Perhaps I have a "Step 1 moment" regarding Step 2 itself -- that is, that when it comes to faith in Jesus Christ to "take over" my life, I don't trust him. At all. I don't have much faith in him as it is ... let alone turning everything over to him. In AA and SA they say the program doesn't work until we give up, let go, let God, and "abandon ourselves to him." I just can't do that. I don't trust him. I don't trust that he will always "have my back." Even outside the addiction, in my spiritual life, if I miss a prayer or a day of scripture study, I panic, for fear that I have "lost" him and have to make up for it somehow. When I do pray, I beg and plead and sob to try and "persuade" him to stay with me, not leave me, and help me. And yea, everyone says "it's a process," etc. Well, this has been a very long time. Over ten years of trying to find him, and I still can't find him. I still feel very wounded inside.

Comments:

What is working for me    
"And I am very much a work in progress, is finding ways to let the Spirit of God into my life so He can burn away my dross. God Can and Will when he is sought. I am finding this to be true in my own recovery. You don't have to take my word for it, though. You can conduct your own experiments to find out for yourself.

Seek and you will find.....

As addicts, we often tend to look inward. But Christ, He focused only outward, as he didn't even do any selfish thing throughout his life. Sometimes, we as addicts tend to be like the Sith in Star Ward, focusing on ourselves. Where Christ is like the Jedi, who focus on others. We can become more Christlike and thus invite the Spirit into our lives to purify us when we serve God's children. We All have much to give. We are his hands.

One thing we can do, as suggested in the recent General Conference, is genealogical indexing. I've been doing this. And I have found this is letting God into my life so He can help me. Let go and Let God. Serving is a good way of Letting God. Gratitude is also a way of Letting.God.

We don't need to go far to find ways of serving others. Often, these opportunities can be found in our own families.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Love,

Your sister in the journey of recovery.

P. S....."God is kinder than you think."--Mother Theresa (I am finding this is true)"
posted at 06:56:18 on October 28, 2012 by G1rlie
Thankfulness    
"Girlie, is right. Service is love. God is love. Thankfulness helped me acknowledge how much of God's love I was missing. I started a thankful journal. Just 5 things everyday I was thankful for. In the darkness of despair that was difficult. Humm, like, my dogs, the blue sky, food, my children........this allowed light to enter and as I patiently worked on being thankful and recognizing my blessings, my prayers became more of thanksgiving instead of pleadings, and giving thanks for recognizing his hand in my life and knowing that He has heard my prayers and is working on my behalf and will accomplish my righteous desires in His time. And glory giving to Him, my Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ who takes all my junk, and turns it to gold."
posted at 12:00:23 on October 28, 2012 by Hero
I believe in Grace!!!!!!    
"Growing up in the church, has always put works first and foremost on my brain. Having this stinking addiction my whole life, I had lost hope about recovery. I could never clean myself up good enough to come before God, and expect any kind of result. Satan used the scriptures against me. Especially the one about, “laws irrevocable in heaven in which ALL blessings are predicated. it is by obedience”. I thought in my mind that when I fell off the straight and narrow path, I would have to hike or crawl my way back onto the path to deserve Gods help, the problem is that I could never go long enough in sobriety, to prove to HIM that I was worthy and deserving of help. I was spiritually dyslexic I thought I had to become clean so I could come unto God. The scripture actually says to come unto God so you can become clean.
Recovery in the PASG program has taught me that repentance is a come as you are party. When I had fallen down and off the cliff (AGAIN) from the straight and narrow road, I did not have to climb my way back up or do anything to merit HIS help. I cried out and he was there right beside me in all my filth and mire. I had learned right there and then the absolute doctrine of Grace, the unmerited help that is available. The prophets teach about grace even the modern prophets, but it is not stressed in our LDS culture. The focus is on works works works. I am of the opinion that grace is available for the asking while in our filth. I am sure works enter in later in the recovery equation, but for the beginning of recovery, works has little to nothing to do with it, surrender to God and trusting in the goodness of Christ, and expecting his help not because of our goodness , but because of HIS goodness. I am an advocate of grace, and as a recipient of that grace, recovery is no longer a pipe dream but a real reality in my life. I hope you can find the hope you need in step 2, so that you can progress to the other steps

Best to you
Your brother Harvey"
posted at 17:35:11 on October 28, 2012 by harveyf
Blessings    
"God can bless us, regarding of whether or not we are obedient, when it is his will. Gratefully, he makes the sun rise on both the evil and the good. Right now, I am not good. So I am very glad God chooses to bless me sometimes, even though I am not the most obedient person there is.

Also, when we hear the word of God via the scriptures or via the prophets, when we are given a law, there is a blessing attached to obeying the law. When we obey the law, God is bound to give us the blessing predicated on obeying the law."
posted at 08:49:59 on October 29, 2012 by Anonymous
Had similar feelings    
"Man4healing,
I had very similar feelings to what you are saying. Not for as long as you have, but still very similar. I was on step 2 for a loooong time compared to steps 1 and 3. I address some of those feelings in my blog post at the link below. Take a read if you have some time.

http://recovery-gdodaat.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-only-way-to-break-cycle.html"
posted at 10:57:05 on November 21, 2012 by recovery.gdo
Right there with you    
"I really appreciate your post. It is vey honest. It sounds to me like you are closer than you realize at the moment and that kind of trust may take a life time to develop: "this is life eternal to know thee the one true god." Comes to mind as I ponder your words and something so similar as what I am working on myself. Thanks for the honesty, it's powerful, I pray your answers come to you as quickly as The Lord will allow!"
posted at 07:00:17 on December 4, 2012 by Smallnsimple
Until I trust completely I will always remain outside the bounds of trust.    
"I appreciate your honesty. Keep being as honest as you can so you can really see yourself through the distorted image.

I had an amazing realization roughly 3 years ago. I would go biking in the hills. During this time I was doing some pretty heavy training to get ready for Basic Training. I would bike for an hour, then lock my bike, switch my shoes and go running for an hour. On one particular day I forgot to bring my lock with me. I decided I would "trust" my bike in God's hands. I hung my bike on my car bicycle rack and said a prayer that God would protect my bike.

As I ran I continued to pray in my head almost mantra like, kind of a begging and pleading again and again, "Please protect my bike, Heavenly Father. Please protect my bike." And I wouldn't stop these thoughts. I thought if I stopped pleading then God would know that I didn't have faith anymore.

Once I got out of eyesight my prayers intensified. I felt that if I stopped then God would stop as well and then my bike would be stolen. I kept running and eventually came around a bend that allowed me to see my bike from the top of a hill. And there was my bike.

I don't remember when I stopped praying but I eventually did, finished the run and came home. Sometime later I was pondering on this experience and I realized that I didn't have a loving God in my heart. I had an angry God, a God who is prone to fits of absence and if I didn't drop to my knees and beg for him to stay then He would forget all about me and walk away.

Now what kind of God is this modeled after? Not the God of the scriptures. I was modeling God after my dad. In my incessant pleading I thought this showed him that I was always mindful of Him. I couldn't just say the prayer and have faith that He would bless me. I thought that He would never bless me until I groveled at His feet. My dad taught me this. It is a type of worship that has abandonment issues all over it.

God is not looking for proof of our worth. D&C 18: 10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

11 For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.

12 And he hath arisen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.

13 And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!"

God is not interested in our groveling for His approval. He already approves of us, sins, hangups, troubles and all. He is interested in our coming to Him. He is interested in our safety. He is interested in our daily happiness. God did not want me to beg and plead for my bike at every step. He wants me to trust in Him. He wants us to have faith in things which are not seen but which are true.

God loves us. He is not a God that will walk out the door on us, that will beat us, that will molest us, that will laugh us to scorn. He is a God who accepts us, who wants our ultimate safety.

I suspect that much of your interpretation of God is because you see Him through the lens of a less than perfect childhood. I suspect this has a lot to do with a male parent. Yet even if this is not the case please please never forget that your God will never forsake you. He is right there by your side. He wants you to come to the real knowledge of yourself so that when you come to Him there are no secrets. We are the best at hiding from ourselves when the Lord comes around.

Thanks for writing what you have written. There is no truth inside of us that does not deserve to get out so we can poke at it and see what makes it tick. God bless and good luck to you and to me."
posted at 15:46:30 on December 4, 2012 by SimonLeper
Yes, Simonleper...    
"You are totally right about the abandonment issues with my male parent. Spot on."
posted at 20:18:04 on December 24, 2012 by man4healing


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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990