Week #2
By sunnydays
10/22/2012 12:52:42 PM
Last week was pretty intense for me. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted today.

Last week I saw my LDS therapist and also went to my first AR group. It was ok. I guess I learned something in the process here. And that's I have used many different addictions in my life to fill a void or a hole inside me. That hole wasn't filled by my birth father, my adopted father, my mother or my husband. They weren't very consistent with being loving to me.

I guess there's only one person who can fill that hole. And that's The Lord.

But, first I have to ask him to fill it.

Today I'm feeling down or sad. Or maybe just tired. Who knows?

When my mood is down and I'm feeling sad my first vice I turn to is food. Food is always there for me. Right now I'm hungry. Rightfully since it's lunch time. My bff isn't available to go to lunch. So I came home. I'm still hungry. Haven't looked at the fridge yet. I'm trying to diet so nothing is really healthy. Maybe some chicken and some corn. But who wants that when ice cream and french fries are just a short drive away. Food makes me feel good. It fills the empty hole in my stomach and my heart at the same time.

In the past I had a few other vices for remedies of a bad mood. Shopping and talking on the phone. Oh, how I loved to shop. Now, just the thought of buying something makes me ill. I also used to talk on the phone for hours at a time. Sometimes long distance bills would be so high (as high as $600) I would hide the bills. The same with the credit cards I would purchase things on.

I can't help but wonder after all the years of therapy we went through as a married couple why no one ever pointed out that perhaps I had problems with esteem and looked for external means to fix them?

Exercise is my second vice. I could eat a quick snack and go to the gym. After an hour on the elliptical I would feel so much better. And it would be good to have worked more towards my weight loss goals. But, I'm getting to a point where my body hurts too much from exercise. I have back issues and my back started hurting a few weeks ago. I just recovered from a 2 month long injury. So, I'm not wanting to hurt it again. Plus pain leads to another addiction. Pills.

A few years ago I hurt my back. The doctor gave me pain meds and muscle relaxers. It was before my divorce. They knocked me out. It was awesome. So shortly after/during (time frame is fuzzy) my divorce I hurt my back and in no time I was "self medicating." My problems went away the minute I fell asleep.

After my pain meds ran out I turned to alcohol. I had never drank before in my life. And one small drink did the same a few pills could do. Numb my pain. I only drank a hand full of times. But it has become a real temptation. It's so easy to have a bad day and not be able to breathe and turn to that vice to check out for a few minutes.

As I mentioned in my first blog I had an affair during the last semester I was in college. The relationship I had with this person helped me to escape the reality of my own life. After this relationship and the divorce in combination with the other vices in my life I began to use sex as a vice. There were a few other people I turned to when I would be feeling down. The fact that they wanted me made me feel good about myself and brought me up again.

So, literally I've had almost every vice and used it as a crutch when I've felt down.

For today I'm going to spend my down time in the following way, shower, eat, and work on my first step in my book and maybe go for a walk. Looking for some positive in my life.


sounds like a really tough situation    
"Sex, drugs, alcohol. food. the pain really comes out in your post. Im so sorry for what you are going through.

sounds like you are attacking the problems with counseling and meetings. I wish the best for you. I hope you can find some good accountability partners that you can be honest with when you are triggering or starting new rituals.

One thing that I realized is that a lot of my addictive behaviors were related to intimacy disorder. I wanted to be loved but never allowed myself to feel loved. I work everyday to convince myself there never was a void.. it was only in my head. (looks pretty freaking real to me)

I really hope you can find serenity in your life. You deserve some.
posted at 13:41:11 on October 22, 2012 by Anonymous
"Thanks. It's good to know someone is out there and reads my blogs. I really do hope as well that I can find someone in whom understands what it's like inside my crazy head that I can go to when I need them.

I agree with what you said about your addictive behaviors being related to the feeling of wanting to be loved. That's all I want. At the end of the day is for someone to say good job, or I love you. Just someone.

These past few days really have sucked for me. My 18 year old is acting just like his dad. I'm counting the days until graduation as if it's a pregnancy. I know that's sad.

Again, thanks for your comments. I do appreciate them."
posted at 22:33:10 on October 23, 2012 by sunnydays

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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006